I've had enough of struggling to identify myself for two years already (age 16). Before that, as a child, I recall (this is kinda embarrassing for me to say but I'll say it anyways) getting turned on by tank tops. A a kid, I used to look at pictures of men in tank tops and wife beaters and I'd get very turned on by them but I never found woman in tank tops as attractive. It was like this obsession I had with them, kind of like a fetish idk. I remember I went to sleepaway camp for one year and I'd get excited if someone took off their shirt and I remember staring at all these basketball players in their undershirts and stuff. Now last year was when everything got really strange. I have this friend who I've been best friends with him ever since preschool. Then one day, he just started ignoring me for no reason, totally giving me the silent treatment. I had no idea what I did and knowing that he NEVER gets mad for stupid things, I told myself I must have done something really bad. For three weeks he ignored me, three of the worst weeks in my life. I wracked my brain trying to know what I did to him and couldn't recall anything slightly offensive I did. For the first time in my life, I felt that there was this hole in my heart and it physically hurt. My biggest mistake was that I didn't go up to him right away and ask what was it that I did. I was too hurt and too afraid to call him during that time. Then he eventually talked to me a bit about random things and it was really awkward because I was so hurt and he wouldn't apologize and we just made small talk and all that. And then I realized that I was in love with him. I can't explain what happened. So many emotions went on in my head during those three weeks. I was angry that he ignored me for no reason. I was sad that he stopped talking to me. I was neutral and said to myself "I don't care". And somewhere along this line I developed a love for him. I used to get nervous when he was around me and I'd constantly think about him and his smile and his personality and everything about him. (Did I mention he's 100% straight and a homophobe while at it?). It's been one year since that crush on him started and he's still in all my classes in senior year. Every time I see him I feel a stab in the heart. I'm long since past the stage of even contemplating the possibility that he'll fall in love with me. I KNOW he's straight but that doesn't change anything. He doesn't know this of course and our relationship now is "school friends". I go through this kind of love cycle with him that goes like: 1) I'm attracted to him and I like thinking about him and stuff 2) I get angry at him for not accepting my love and I have thoughts about wanting to kill him and stick a knife through his head so he's gone forever. 3) I just say to myself "I don't give a flying fuck about him" and I just stop thinking about him and leave him out of my mind. So basically I go through this cycle like every month while he's still in my school. He;ll be leaving after this year and going away from home and I'll never see him again. I'm so sorry you had to read through all this stupid writing. I have nobody to talk to about this, all my friends are homophobes and they would make my life miserable if they found out I was gay. (They're Jewish and so am I but that's topic for a different discussion). In case you might be thinking in your mind now: "real friends will accept you for who you are" or the like, they ARE real friends and they're really nice to me and caring and all. But you know how it is with Judaism. They warp kids minds to think of gay people as disgusting cockroaches, something that needs to be exterminated. My parents are no help either. Our family once had a discussion about gay people and my mom told us nonchalantly, "you know, if any of you came home with a boyfriend I think me and your dad would pass out". Oh, and the one school counselor at my school charges $100 a session which is out of the question. I gave up on Yahoo Answers, trying to get support. I have no one. So my question that I ask myself every day is: Is the love I had/have for this kid in my class a real homosexual love, or is it simply an out product of all the pain I went through because of him? If you can shed any light on my situation that would be much appreciated.
