Hey there. I'm a 24 year old male suffering from OCD, diagnosed at 16, symptoms at 11. I suffered from "HOCD" - I realise that's not an actual term, but I've seen people use it to describe their obsessing over sexuality - a few years back, but now it's started again due to my brother coming out. Here's some of my background. As a kid I had girlfriends, and I called them my 'girlfriend'. We'd give each others pecks on the lips etc. Growing up, before high school, I'd been with a girl and showed each other our genitals, then another girl we were kissing whilst her parents were out, I had an erection and was thrusting it against her, though I didn't fully understand what I was doing. I then started suffering from OCD and it knocked my confidence. Gradually I started to regain it, and really liked this girl, who led me on. Around that time a friend started calling me gay because I'd never properly kissed a girl, and I was aged 20. I went on a night out and kissed a girl, and since then I've kissed a fair amount of girls (including the one who led me on). I've also had two girlfriends, and with both of them we did everything but sex. I'd even ejaculated from being 'too into it' whilst kissing, with each of my girlfriends. When I was younger I watched porn, but only ever lesbian porn. So anyway, my brother on Sunday came out. He's 16, nearly 17. It's completely thrown me, especially since he's told me that's he's done stuff with girls, though I'm not sure if he was just saying it to me to hide the fact he's gay. My family aren't doing great either they're saying they hope it's a phase since he's still 16 but I'm not so sure now, after today's 'discovery'. Would 16 be too young to know? Since I found out that he came out, I've started doubting myself in regards to my sexuality. I mean, I go over in my head the fact I've always been with girls and never been attracted to a male, but still the thoughts there, "what if?". I get uncomfortable when I see a gay scene on TV, i.e. two men kissing. I remember watching "I love you Phillip Morris" and got very uncomfortable watching scenes in that. I mean, I can admire men, like actors or celebrities etc. in the sense I want to *be* them... if that makes sense? When I'm around my friends now, and I'm getting anxious. I look at them and I'm thinking, do I like them? But then I'm thinking no don't be stupid you like girls. I also keep checking myself in case I feel a 'reaction'. I never do, I'm always flaccid around guys. Today, I went on my brothers Twitter, and he's following a gay porn star. Not going to lie, it kinda upset me but I know I can't do anything so will just have to be the best brother I possibly can. I went on this Twitter page and saw that all the pictures were of gay porn. I went through the images to see if there was a 'groinal' response. I was flaccid. In fact I was anxious the whole time, since I was scared I would 'feel anything'. I then went on lesbian porn (which I haven't done since I last felt like/went through this), and I got an erection. So to me that proves I'm straight, but still there's an ongoing battle in my head. I mean, I remember in school a girl brushing my leg and it caused me to get an erection. In fact it happened with any physical contact with my exes. So I guess am asking, does it sound like I have "HOCD"? Or is it something else. I suppose if I know I have "HOCD", a shoot off from my normal 'hygiene' OCD, then that might give me some peace of mind (albeit for a short period). I should also mention that when my OCD was at it's worse, I had a fear of gay people, in the sense I worried I could 'catch something' off them. It was irrational I know, and I'm not trying to offend anyone saying this. It kinda stopped, until my brother came out on Sunday and going near his room causes me to want to wash my hands. In fact I'm struggling to be near him without wanting to wash my hands. Please let me know if it's "HOCD" or something else. And if it is just an of-shoot of my OCD, please help me how I can be with my brother. I love him, but I'm scared that all my OCD fears etc will come back aggressively, and I'm worried how I should be with him, when I... well, feel unclean around him. Thanks.
Ah man that sounds rough because I know deep down amongst your crazy wired brain u still love your brother and ofcourse only want him to be happy. I also have ocd and my sexuality is under scrutiny at this moment in time, except with me I keep thinking I've turned gay, whether or not my thoughts are legit is another question but to me you just sound like you have stereotype ocd and it's moved on to the gay thing, You and I know your worries are rediculous and based on something scientificly rediculous, gay isn't a disease but our brains tell us otherwise. It's hard sometimes knowing what's reality and what's not half the time. Hell I've rewritten my own history over the last few months. I'm undergoing cbt at the moment and what I'm learning is exposure therapy, which I highly recommend because no doubt your brother is going through a very scary time at the moment and needs you more than ever. I know it's tough and it won't be easy but it's a must for the both of you, it could be a failure or it could save the relationship you two have, I recommend spending as much time as possible with him. Grit your teeth and deal with it head on, I know right easier said than done but please give it a try. I have never met a germ type ocd sufferer so my help.might be invalid but my gf is also a very severe sufferer to the point she was hospitalised when she was 15, she thinks everyone around her is Guna die If she's not thinking about the right thing at the right time, see we r a little bit nuts and just try to remember that, it helps me outsometimes. Just think to yourself "this is crazy, I am crazy, I love my brother"
Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I know... well I hope it's my OCD just causing me to be all messed up. Plus am finding it really quite difficult accepting that my little brother has been attracted to men and been lying to me for the past couple of years. My head's all over the place, I'm not really sleeping etc. Couple of questions though. Would a gay man be turned on from merely touching/holding hands with a woman? Would a gay man be able to 'get it up' whilst kissing a woman? Or accidentally ejaculate in his pants when making out with a woman on top of her? Being turned on when a girl texts you, flirting? I suppose am asking for reassurance here, but my heads in a real mess at the moment. Also, I'm confused as to why my brother, for the past two years was telling me about things he's done with women? He said he'd done everything but sex. And even the day before he came out he told me he'd kissed around 40 girls? I don't understand.
Ofcourse it's your ocd, and rule 1 is not to give reassurance, it doesn't work but if you sit back and think about the questions you just asked, it kinda answers it's self, would you ejaculate if you were stroking a dog, or make out with a toaster? I hope the answer is no because they don't arouse you. Anyway I can't help about your brother that's out of my league, but consider he might not have been lieing, he might have been confused or even bisexual, I duno. But you gotta accept that's who he is and in time when you are more comfortable with him, you can ask him and get the answers you need.
I touched on the subject of it with my brother, and he said that he'd only ever been with one girl and when he was with her he couldn't get it up, so to speak, he was completely flaccid. Whereas like I've said in the previous post, a girl brushing past me/texting me being flirty/kissing can cause me to get an erection, etc. So it's most likely I'm just suffering from a subset of my OCD? Sorry for asking, just my head is all over the place.
Nothing I can say will ever help you only give you a brief moment of peace. And I'm going to break the rules as I do to myself often but yes to me I'm pretty positive e it's your ocd doing what it always does. But will you believe me? Probably not! If I told you germs really cause little problems would you believe me? No. If I tell my gf that if she's not thinking of the colour orange when she walks through a door way that I'm not going to die, guess what she doesn't really believe me. Deep down she does does but on a conscious level she does not. You get my point? I can't even take my own advice, it's easier giving than taking.
Nah that's cool man, appreciate the replies. Yeah I completely get what you mean. Like I said, this hasn't even entered my mind to this degree in like 3 or so years. I mean, sure if a scene or something comes up on TV with guys in I get anxious and start checking myself for a response, but it's only been occasional times that happens because I'm usually worrying about something else. Like I worry about losing my hair and constantly check it, post on hair loss forums and the like. My fear there is if I'm bald I'll never attract a girl, thus I won't get married. I worried about getting my exes pregnant when all I'd done is ejaculate on them from clothed dry humping/oral and handjobs etc - and things like that cause me to hit the forums, ask people, research, ask for reassurance etc. So that's why I'm hoping and praying that this is just another subset of my OCD. Because the thoughts I'm having I absolutely hate.
