Hello I am a 19 year old girl and I have been questioning my sexuality for what seems like forever. I'm going to try and keep this short because I could probably write an entire book about this considering the amount of time I've wasted thinking about it. When I was younger all I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. My parents were not particularly traditional and my mother had a full time job. I didn't have many influences in my life supporting that traditional ideal so I'm not sure where my desire to be a stay at home mother came from. I was very girly however and loved love stories and particularly the idea of pregnancy. My first crush was on a boy. He wasn't the cutest boy but I remember once when I turned around in class and laughed at his joke and this feeling of warmth coming over me and wanting to be close to him. I remember realizing that I liked him and thinking Oh No! He wasn't the only boy I felt this way towards. They were always the boys who would make me laugh and I would always want to be theirs. Looking back I may have had crushes on some of my female friends as well, but these mostly invoked getting jealous if they hung out with other girls and feeling uncomfortable about sleeping in the same room with them or seeing them naked/ checking them out. It was around this time that I heard what a lesbian was and that changed my life. One of the "popular girls" explained it to naïve me in the locker room when I was 10. My immediate thought was is that what I am. That thought has stuck in my head for 9 years and has caused me lots of stress. I even has an eating disorder for 3 years which my therapist at the time thought I had developed to cope with my sexuality. So after all this time this is how I feel: during the day I check out girls. When I do this I get panicky probably because the reason I started to check them out was to test my attraction. Not to say that I'm not sometimes attracted to them, but I think sometimes (not always obviously) my anxiety may be playing tricks on me. I never imagined falling in love with a girl but lately I've began to imagine it would be possible for me to have a relationship with one that even involved kids. I have made out with a variety of girls (mostly straight friends of mine) and even had a lesbian orgy once (alcohol was involved). Modding physical stuff with girls makes me nervous but I'm not sure if that's anxiety or attraction. I didn't enjoy the orgy because I felt uncomfortable with the whole thing and obligated to do it because I was questioning. Not that I wasn't aroused too lol. I've never really checked out guys too much. In fact I didn't realize it was something other girls did until recently. I've never really had guy friends either. I always thought something would happen and I shouldn't be friends with them unless I wanted to date them or they were completely out of the dating question. I've made out with many guys and slept with a few but I'm still not sure I enjoyed any of it (alcohol was also involved). The first guy I slept with was a random guy at the club and I just wanted him to stick it in and get it over with. I was frustrated that he was taking his time. The next time I went on a "date" with a guy I liked and all he was interested in was having sex on his parents couch while they were upstairs. I was excited to have sex with him but that was a turn off. Finally the last guy I slept with was really rough with me because we were both so drunk. I think I liked it but it hurt like crazy and I woke up with blood all over. Right now I like a couple people. A couple girls and one guy, but I'm not completely sure I like the guy and I feel like I just like the girls for there personalities. Thank you guys so much for reading and any ideas on the subject would be welcome.
It seems like you're really anxious. I can relate with some of the things you mentioned like being really girly and not having guy friends. What helped me was to take a step back and first of all realize you CAN like BOTH. Second take a deep breath and think about your current and previous crushes. Really think about wether you really felt an emotional crush (past crushes probably aren't physical) or just wanted to be friends or be like other girls. Third take a l ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2014 at 11:32 PM ---------- Sorry accidentally hit the post button. Third take a look at what attraction really means for you. When I first started questioning my sexuality I didn't really know what attraction actually felt like for me. When I calmed myself and looked at a picture of a girl I thought was pretty I realized I actually felt as if I wanted to be next to her and touch her and started to understand the literalness in the word attraction. I felt as if I was being pulled toward her. As someone that posted on one of my threads said " it sounds like sexy is a compliment to you" meaning I realized they were cute but didn't feel attracted to them. Now after looking at all of this look at a naked man and woman and see which one turns you on. For me I felt a slight warmth with the male but that was because I was trying to think of him sexually there fore thinking about sex which turned me on a little. It wasn't really the guy that turned me on just the thought of sex. When I looked at the female however I got really tingling and warm. This didn't happen with all the females just some seeing as how I'm not attracted to EVERY girl. To me it sounds like you're to confused and anxious for me to give even a semi accurate opinion. I hope my suggestions help and just remember you won't find all of a gender attractive and ultimately you know you best. Don't let anyone pressure you into defining yourself as something you're not. For that matter your sexuality could change or you could choose to define yourself as nothing, or make up your own label. Point is labels are for you so whatever you feel most comfortable with.
You write that you've had crushes on boys, went on dates with a guy you liked, were excited about sex with them, aren't even sure if you've ever had a real crush on a girl, and then ask if you're a lesbian? You aren't. Maybe you are bisexual to some extent but it doesn't really seem that you are. However - these things only you can know for sure, not us, random strangers online. Stop thinking so much about labels and just date whomever you like, it's very simple.
To me it does sound like you could be bi but that is just me but then don't rush into labelling yourself and agree with post above date whoever you like whether it's a man or a woman
Thanks everyone for answering. Maybe it would help if I described two major crushes I have now. One is a girl. Before I see her I'm always really nervous. She always makes me laugh and I love being around her. I have been turned on my her before as well as physical contact with other girls. I do think about her everyday and I have thought about her while masturbating (tmi?) and it works, but I don't really think about her body or anything, I think more about her personality and being with her. However she is straight and I'm okay with that but I'm trying not to get caught up. My second crush is a man. It's not as strong as it used to be because he seriously hurt my feelings and I haven't seen him in a while. But before I would see him I would do all the ultra girly things like wear short dresses and put on lots of makeup, but I wasn't quite as panicky as I am when I see girls I like. He also makes me laugh. Thinking about him makes me smile like crazy. I would do the whole teenage girl shrieking thing every time he texted me :icon_bigg. I also might have been physically attracted to him. I LOVED hugging him and being close to him, but I'm not sure if I was sexually attracted to this guy. I didn't master bate until after I stopped talking to him so I've never thought of him during. I think I loved him though, if not sexually or romantically than as a friend. I always felt a warmth and happiness looking at him and felt as if I wanted nothing bad to ever happen to him. He was really important more so than any other guy or girl, but I'm worried that I only was happy around him because I thought that it meant I was straight. I do feel physically attracted to the girls I check out but I think it may be amplified ridiculously by my anxiety. I do watch lesbian porn and lesbian erotica, but I really watch many other kinds as well. Though I'm not sure if I'm turned on by the naked bodies or more so the actions. Once again thanks for responding and reading my rant lol.
