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Am I bi? Gay? Straight? Confused?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by shadowraptor, Apr 11, 2014.

  1. shadowraptor

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    Excuse the length of this, but I'm in a really weird place right now and I think providing some backstory may help in making an educated guess or giving advice.
    Growing up I was, undoubtedly, 100% straight. I never even once entertained a homosexual thought. In fact, I was probably the casanova of my school; I can recall having a crush on every girl in my grade throughout my grade-school run. Growing up in a primarily female environment with a dad who didn’t really care about me, I guess I sort of gravitated towards being feminine and as such a lot of the friends I made were girls, and the guys tended to avoid me because I was "different".
    I've never really fit in with other guys. They were always cool, and masculine, always talking about girls and relationships and sports. I never liked sports, I had primarily female friends, and although I liked girls (and we pretended to be in relationships as young kids do) there was never anything serious. I didn't fit into their cliques. As I got older I started growing even more distant from the guys. I was the smart one who actually enjoyed school, aimed for good grades.. Not that I was complaining: I was practically swimming in estrogen and I was enjoying it.
    Seventh grade came and I made friends with my current best friend. She initially befriended me because she thought I was gay; I guess my feminine nature makes me come across that way. I had always considered myself complex; the guys were all so simple-minded and I was just difficult to dissect: I didn't like girls the way they did, nor did I go after them, I hated sports, I was a nerd, I acted very feminine, I actually thought about important things rather than the trivialities they always talked about… the list goes on and on.
    And they made fun of me, jokingly of course, whenever I had a crush on a girl. They would laugh, tell me how stupid or futile it was, that I wasn't attractive enough, that girls would never go for someone as feminine as I am. I asked a girl to a school dance and the boys wouldn’t stop pestering me for a week.
    I think girls appreciated that I was more in touch with my feminine side as I made an active effort to be a completely different person than my dad, or at least that's what I convinced myself to believe.
    And then… I got a girlfriend. She wasn't that pretty, but she was smart and funny and caring and that's all that mattered to me. I don't know how I fell for her, but I did and I regret nothing. Our classmates shipped us for months before we started going out; my mom and sister were extremely supportive and loved her, my dad on the other hand thought she wasn't worth me; her dad hated me as well, I guess he thought that just because I was white and she was Asian that it wasn't right for us to be together.
    We kept it on the down-low for a while before making it public, and everyone fawned over us. But the craze died down until prom, when I brought her and my best friend each a rose. My bestie ended up giving me a kiss on the cheek and it started a whole controversy: people were conflicted as to whether bringing flowers for them made me a player… or gay.
    After graduation, my gf and I lost contact and we eventually broke up in December through a mutual agreement that we wouldn't get anywhere if her dad wouldn't let her see me. And as much as I try to get over her, I think about her every day, wishing that I could have, at the very least, kissed her.
    I currently go to an all-boys school, where I first started acknowledging the possibility of being bi/gay as a lot of the students there are open about their sexuality. I made friends easily, but one boy took an instant dislike to me – he thought I was intimidating due to my height, and also thought I was conceited and vain. I took this to heart after I realized that I had been bragging about my good grades, and I found out that I was being conceited and he was completely right. I immediately changed, and the two of us became peas in a pod.
    And then, out of the blue, I had a dream in which me and this boy were a couple… and it was so vivid, I could feel all the emotions and every physical sensation, like when he kissed me – it all seemed so right. I was loving it, and when I woke up I immediately tried to go back to sleep and relive the dream over again. Ever since, I've thought of this boy differently, although I know he has a girlfriend and he probably doesn’t feel the same way. I'd rather keep him as a friend then be awkward every time we pass by each other, even though I can’t stop thinking about him. But those were just fantasies, right? They still managed to change something in me. I've become so stressed out and it's like I need a release, and I can't think of anyone better to tell than this guy.
    Although I can't stop thinking about my ex, I can't get the straight guy out of my head either. I'm no longer "turned on" per se by random girls I see, and I find myself checking out other guys, even when I don't want to. And I've grown even more aware of my lessening attraction towards girls, such as rejecting a hook-up with a girl at a school dance. I told myself and my friends it was because I wanted to save my first kiss for someone who meant something to me, but even I knew it was also because I was more interested in the guys (one in particular) there than the girls.
    I've resolved to come to terms with who I am recently. I'm not afraid of being gay, but I do fear coming out only to discover it's just a phase. I know I want kids, I want to be the dad I never had. I don't mind what people will think or say, and I think a lot of guys already assume I'm bi/gay, even though I'm not sure.
    I recently "came out", if you will, to one of my good friends from school that I know for a fact is straight. Everyone once in a while, he'll jokingly say he likes boys (despite the fact he's had a number of girlfriends in the past few months) and today it eventually led to my confession that I'm questioning my sexuality, but beginning to think I'm gay or bi with a male preference. He told me that he was proud of me, that it was difficult to come out not just to a friend but to yourself, and that made me love him (platonically) even more.
    I'm just confused, and if anyone has a similar story, or any advice at all, it would be much appreciated. If you have any suggestions for how to deal with this, or what you think my orientation might be, any and all feedback is helpful. Thank you all for taking the time to read this excessively long anecdote.
    Here is a dancing banana for your troubles: (!)
     
  2. Andrew99

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    Well u have some good friends and u know I mean u probably r bisexual with a preference for males. U can still have kids and be with a man though u can adopt or via surrogate. Also whatever u end up being just remember that it doesn't make u any less of a person :slight_smile: (*hug*) :kiss:
     
  3. shadowraptor

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    Thanks a lot, Sup. Your kindness means a bunch to me. :icon_bigg
     
  4. shadowraptor

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    Another question to anyone; is it possible that my orientation could have changed over time, from girls to somewhere in the middle to now almost exclusively guys? I've read these types of forums and people say that you're born gay or straight; is that true, and being in a non-gay environment has just been suppressing my feelings for guys?
     
  5. WearyWanderer

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    It depends on who you ask, but in my mind yes, that can happen. It happened to me. I believe that while some people are born gay or straight and they stay that way, I also think sexuality can be fluid for others. So yes, it can change over time for some people, and the time for it to change would usually be right about now, while you're sexually maturing.

    Think about it this way: say you used to like apples, but eventually you grow out of them. Instead, you find yourself constantly eating oranges, and less and less apples. Your taste-buds changed over time. You may say that these two things are apples and oranges, but... :wink:

    In the end, only you can say for sure who you like more. It's a very long process, and the best part is, there isn't a time limit, and no wrong answer. You just have to find out what's right for you. Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  6. shadowraptor

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    The problem, though, is that I have a hard time trying to figure out this answer for myself. As much as I, or my friends, tell myself that it's alright not to be straight, I'm never able to convince myself to be just gay or just bi or just straight. Growing up in a Christian family with openly homophobic parents, I feel like I'm an abomination. Sometimes I'll get frustrated or angry, other times I'll just blow it off, but in most cases I'll start feeling disgusted at myself. I'll try and hone in only on the girls to make myself feel better, I'll try putting straight thoughts in my head, but it never lasts long. Don't worry, I'm not gonna kill myself or anything, but I wish I would just stop fluctuating between all these different sexualities, if yu know what I mean. :bang:
     
  7. shadowraptor

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    UPDATE: (This should probably be in the coming out forum but whatever :grin:)

    So apparently, when I had this conversation with my best friend about being gay, he didn't take me seriously... :dry: So I asked him to keep my secret safe, and he was just like "wut lol" and he apparently had forgotten about the entire conversation, which I find hilarious :lol:

    So I explained the situation to him again, and about how I had managed to change from liking girls to liking guys, which even I didn't have an answer to. But at first he was like "I didn't know you were serious", and then he told me that no matter what, my secret was safe with him and that he wouldn't divulge anything to anyone without my permission. He got that I wanted to come out to everyone on my own terms.

    Everyone talks about being really happy when they come out, like it's a relief, but to me it just felt like another burden. I started getting kind of emotional and he realized that I was on the verge of practically having a breakdown in the middle of the subway station. And despite the crowd of people around us, he just wraps his arms around me and tells me once again how proud of me he is and that no matter what, he'll always be there to support me in my decisions.

    We ended up joking about it the whole rest of the ride home. I guess I was upset that he wasn't really talking about it, but now I see that I've been blessed to have a friend who's willing to drop a subject like that almost immediately and get back to our friendship without seeing any of those boundaries. I'm so, so grateful that he's in my life, and I'm sure many of you can relate. :eusa_danc