i fell in love with a guy but im a lesbian

I had an experience with a guy I fell in love with. I am a lesbian. I am physically attracted to women and females as a straight man is attracted to females. Here is my story:

I was 18, met this really handsome 20 year old guy. He and I fell for each other at first sight. I saw him first then he met my eyes and we couldn't look away. We were both at an auditorium and then the lights dimmed. I could barely pay attention to the play my friends and I went to see. After the first half of the play, he saw me out in the lobby while i was waiting for my friends to powder up in the bathroom, meanwhile I wanted to buy a drink. He was standing behind me in line and I hadn't noticed. It wasn't until he spoke that I learned that he was partially deaf (hard of hearing, as he always referred to it). But he and I held a conversation about the play and we hit it off. He had quite the sense of humour and I couldn't stop looking into his eyes. His smile and his attention to my lips was just making me feel all kinds of sstirred up inside. He bought me a drink, we spoke until we went back in and I didn't see him until the end of the show again. He asked if we could keep in touch, that he had tickets to come see the upcoming show, front row, because he knew some actor I didn't know. I gave him my number, didn't hesitate for some reason. My friends gave me a peculiar look when I joined them for dinner that evening and asked about that guy. My best friend who is also a lesbian, noticed that it sounded like a date. I told her that was nonsense, that I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and I was just looking to fill my time with getting to make new friends and connections in the chamber orchestra. She didn't seem convinced, I think she saw I was into this guy.

I went to several other plays with this guy, he could be described as the most sensitive, thoughtful, sweet, and mannered and moral man I could never imagine a guy to be. I asked if he was gay and he said no, but that there was nothing wrong withbeing gay. I told him then that i am a lesbian but that I had this huge attraction to him I couldn't explain or understand, that i had been thinking of him often and even missed him and just wanted to be around him. He said he kind of figured I was a lesbian because I'm into sports and cars and I acted sometimes like one of the guys, but I definitely looked and acted like a lady and was a girl he felt comfortable around and no games, what you see is what you get. He also confessed to having been attracted and very pulled towards me the first day he saw me. He was afraid of coming on too strong and too direct, but given the situation, he might not see me ever again, so he took the chance. I told him iI was relieved he did. I just couldn't explain why given that I am a lesbian.

I told my best friend, but she didn't welcome it much. She said my ex was driving me crazy and up the wall and I might be looking for some sort of emotional escape to spite her at all costs. She thought this was the perfect plot to get back at her. And I said, no, I seriously think I might be falling for this dude and I don't know what to do. I told her how I felt around him but she seemed uncomfortable and I didn't take that conversation further. I stayed away from my lesbian friends for a while. I felt ashamed and alone. I told my gay guy friend about it and he was the only little bit of positivivity and support I got. He just warned me to be careful, use protection, and went into details about the male...you know, gay men and their uncensored ways about genitalia. Anyway...

Let's skip to the part where... I kissed a man and I liked it. He didn't wear cherry ChapStick but he did smell really nice, had a nice haircut, and dressed to truly impress. We were at a parking lot and he was teaching me sign language. He kept looking at my lips and I whispered in his ear, "kiss me." And we kissed like there was no tomorrow. It was the most magnetic and passionate kiss in my life, even to this day.

Three months later and a month after my birthday, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He asked me out to a formal dinner and it seemed more like a marriage prop than a girlfriend, but he liked the romance and wine and dine atmosphere. I took him home to meet my parents. They seemed as confused as my friends because not too long ago I went against the tides with coming out to them and now I was with him. My dad didn't speak to me much anyway but my mom said that she hoped maybe it would work out somehow. My sister teased me about being a closeted bisexual and then it dawned on me : I felt like a traitor to the lesbian identity I had fought so hard for others to accept.

I continued on with him. He and I eventually spoke about marriage and kids and of course, sex. I hadn't even thought about sex. Or marriage. Or kids. Or...a one year anniversary. Time flew by so quickly and so smoothly that it had just been him and I. My friends didn't unfriend me, but they certainly didn't feel comfortable around him either. It was ackward. His best friend didn't like me either. They got into a fight one time because he was a bit alchoholised and said "she's a lesbo, right? She should know it won't work out!" And after that statement, two childhood friends were punching and choking the crap out of each other. They didn't speak after that.

One night when he and I were making out, I thought I was ready to take it to the next level and be intimate with him physically. But once his shirt and his pants were off and I was partially naked, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. And, indeed, one followed. I was out the door and gone. He was concerned but hurt. He helped me calm down and we just cuddled as always. He kept apologizing and I just told him to sush and keep holding me.
After that we tried being intimate but just like the first time, it failed. I just couldn't. I felt like it was fake or a lie or like an immense guilt and that I couldn't do it. I felt scared. We talked about it and I told him I was scared of being a single mother, I was scared of childbirth, and that sex before marriage was wrong and I couldn't. He agreed and felt guilty because as much as he wanted to be intimate he also wanted to get married first and then be intimate and become a father eventually. I felt sick to my stomach with the images in my head. I couldn't see the woman bearing his children, walking down the ile, renewing her bows, going on a golden cruise or dying old with him- being me.
I subconsciously started to distance myself from him. It came to a point where I lied to him about me going on a trip out of state with my orchestra group for a week. I told him I needed to focus and practice a lot and that I couldn't be sidetracked with talking much on the phone as often in a day as we usually did. He was so sweet and supportive I felt like the biggest (unt for doing this to him. I could tell he had been crying a bit but I didn't want to ask him. That whole week I spend in my room crying and confused and sick to my stomach and left with making a decision. If I kept this relationship going any longer, it would be more suffocating and more unbearable. I talked to my mother and cried with her and told her why I was isolated. She comforted me and told me that deep in my heart I knew the answers to my questions and the right course of action. She told me that if I had one thing down was that I needed to stay true to myself either way. But she told me love breaches many things and if this was something I felt I couldn't overcome, then it simply wasn't meant to be. I kept going over any possible red flags that might be preventing me from committing to him, but I could find none. He was the perfect man any girl could want to marry. And, here I was, actually debating and not wanting to acknowledge that I didn't want to.
The week had passed like a minute and I looked miserable. He didn't seem to notice much. It was around thanksgiving and he wanted me to go meet his family out in Florida. His sister had just had a baby girl and he had been obsessed with the baby girl. He took millions of photos and acted just like a proud uncle. He bowed he would be a positive role model for her. The baby daddy left the mom, vanishing completely. Two days before Thanksgiving, he and I went for a walk in the park and I kissed him for a really long time since I had been "gone" for the orchestra trip. He popped out a black velvet box, got down on one knee, and popped the big question. The sky was clear, the sun was bright, the autumn wind was fresh, the birds sang, leaves falling like confetti to the floor.... I said, no. And I ran as fast as I could yelling, "I'm so sorry. I can't...do it." He ran faster than I could with tears in my eyes and he drove off and left me there. He was crying his heart out. I wanted to die.
It took us a week to really speak. We were both hurting and we didn't know what to do. He asked if I still loved him and if I wanted to keep being his girlfriend. Truth be told, I didn't know. I knew I loved him but I felt so disconnected. He lost the sparkle in his eye, the softness in his hand, the tenderness of his face. He was a mess.
A month later he said goodbye. He had lost so much weight that he wasn't the guy at the theater that I locked eyes with. His blue eyes stared at me a pale gray. Lost, dwindled, sunk. His five o'clock shadow grew into a beard. I begged him to stay with me and to give us another chance that i needed time and he said, no. That it was for the best. That time was not the issue. It was simply a matter of fate and destiny and that we were not meant to be forever. That we didn't have to figure it out now but that regardless, it was something that made him a better person; that he had experienced the true love that many people can only dream about, and that he only hoped his plane wouldn't crash because he dreamed of having a baby girl someday. I asked him to kiss me and to stay but he said no. He grabbed me and cried then took off. I didn't hear about him for a month. He cut me out.
I heard from some friends that he had fallen into a deep depression and had started smoking weed and drinking a lot, gotten into trouble with the police because of the friend that he punched (they got into a fight drunk at a party) and that he was sleeping with random people.
I was...devastated is not in the ballpark of where I felt. I had so much guilt and remorse for what iI had done. I sought him out and I didn't recognize him. He was someone else. He was...not for me.

Six years later, I was taking out some garbage to the dumpster behind the school where I tutored some kids for orchestra camp in the summer and a car with a bride and a groom drove up. The grrom came my way and asked if he could drop his cans tied behind the car because they were going to take the highway. He didn't recognize me but I recognized him. I just nodded and he went back to the car...drove off.
I cried for three days straight but I saw on Facebook he had what he wanted with her instead after all... A wife, a baby girl, and a marriage. Good for him. She wasn't even cute, but, she could give him what I couldn't.

I can't explain why I fell in love with him nor am I saying that you will go thru with what happened to me, but some things are a gamble. Love is no guarantee. You have to take the risk of getting hurt and see it as a make you or break you but for the better. Sometimes you bounce back better than you've ever been. Other times love makes you find your inner strength and test your limits until you cannot give any more. It teaches you to let go. Love isn't meant to keep two people together, but to find the best in life as we go along with it. It teaches us to accept ourselves and find out what our limits are and how far we can go. Hurting is not the worst thing we could be. Being with someone and not being available in all ways isn't selfless love. As the Bible puts it, true love never fails. Our love didn't fail. It was true and the best thing we could do was have the courage to let go.

 

Thanks for reading. I never told anyone.

 

It is scary to let someone go. It is equally scary to stay and not be available in every aspect of a relationship. I can tell you that it is quite a confusing experience for both parties. I try to see the bigger picture in life and this one took me a while to write down. I initially had written this as a response to a guy here in EC who fell in love with a lesbian. I don't know why I attract straight dudes to me, but this experience scarred me to the point of avoiding any man with a confessed attraction to me. It has impacted me deeply. The older I get the more treasured it becomes and the more valuable the lesson of letting go. I must learn of letting go of all my fears as fears stem from our instinct of survival.

I say that if you must let someone go the bigger challenge is to keep your heart open. Letting go isn't as hard as it seems...actually, it is the acceptance of the reality that is a challenge to overcome. Identifying what hurts helps you keep in perspective, but I know...pain is pain. And it is all part of the process....