This is my story, and it's been bugging me for a while now as I'm trying to put things to rest and find out who I really am once and for all. I'd say ever since I started puberty, at the age of 11, I felt I was attracted to girls. Actually, back then I was convinced I was 100% gay. I thought I'd get a girlfriend, marry a girl, and never have anything to do with a man. It might sound weird that I was so convinced of my sexuality at such a young age, but that's how it was. However, while I "felt" that way, I didn't have a whole lot of opportunity to actually date or confirm anything. I was homeschooled and as such, very sheltered. So I basically never even got the opportunity to date, kiss, etc. a girl growing up. Years passed, and I wound up falling in love with, and eventually marrying, a man I met over the Internet. I suppose for years, I kind of suppressed my feelings for other women since I was in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. I felt I should be 100% faithful to my man. However, at the same time, I never felt quite comfortable identifying as "straight." Just something about the term felt wrong to me. I still felt in my heart I was probably bisexual, or what I told people a lot when asked, was that I didn't really like to label myself and felt that love was love, regardless of gender. I would tell people that if anything ever happened to my husband, I didn't want another man -- I wanted a wife. And that was the truth. As far as my attractions to women go, I'll try and describe them a bit here. I've always been attracted to women in every sense -- aesthetically, romantically, sexually. While I won't lie, I have been aroused and fantasized about men in the past, I'd say my primary fantasies and especially recently, have involved me being with women and the things I'd like to do to them, both romantically and sexually. I've crushed on many females throughout the years, some stronger than others, but they were never reciprocated. Probably the strongest crush I had was this girl I met while hospitalized a year ago -- I remember thinking she was so beautiful and wanting to kiss and be intimate with her, but knowing that doing so would be inappropriate. We fought to share the same room together and I thought we were almost like a married couple, sharing living arrangements, lol. Sadly, after I was let out the hospital, we went our separate ways and I never saw or heard from her again. On TV and in public, I always notice females more -- sometimes it's just an aesthetic appreciation, but other times I do get a bit, um, turned on, and think "oh, the things I'd like to do to her." I'd say I don't notice most guys, except maybe more androgynous ones. Physical contact with a female I like will always get my heart pounding and my breath racing. I also have no problems imagining myself falling in love, dating, marrying, and spending the rest of my life with another woman, if I wasn't already with my husband. In fact, in some ways it seems more natural to me than being with another guy. I don't know how to explain it, but it does. I'd say the only aspect keeping me back would be how other people close to me might react if I married a woman -- for example, my grandmother, who is a Jehovah Witness. Also -- porn. I know that porn doesn't necessarily mean anything, as you'll have cases of girls who are straight but like lesbian porn, and lesbians that can only get off on gay male porn. I get that. Sometimes what you're aroused by in porn doesn't necessarily equate to what you'd do, or be aroused by, in real life. In fact, sometimes that's part of the allure. Sometimes what you're aroused by isn't the person themselves, or what you want to do with them, but just the act of two people getting it on. I get that, too. But I can't help that it's a little different in my case, and maybe an indicator. You see, when I look at porn, I prefer to look at lesbian and female-only porn, like a girl by herself. I do look at some straight porn too, but I always focus on the girl and usually I'm imagining myself as the guy, doing those things to her. For me, I loved to look at girls in porn because I wanted to be with them and always imagined the things I'd like to do with them. It was kind of like my way of fulfilling the lesbian fantasy I thought I'd never get to have, due to being married. Now, on the flip side of the coin, I have had genuine attraction to men over the years, too, so I suppose I'm not full lesbian. For one, I do have a husband, and yes, I do love him and have enjoyed sex with him in the past. I have also been turned on fantasizing about men in the past. And, while I've had less of them, there were guys I crushed on and wanted to be with in the past, too. In fact, I'd say there was a phase I went through where I may have been more attracted to men, but nowadays it seems like I feel more attracted and interested in women as potential dating or sexual partners. So I guess technically I could be bisexual, but with a preference for women? I don't know. So, getting back to the beginning... For years, I guess I just didn't think much of it because, as I said, I was in a heterosexual monogamous marriage and I most certainly was not going to cheat. I just pushed that part of me to the back of my brain, even though I was still curious. However, one day fairly recently, I'd say a few months ago, my husband and I had a conversation. I asked him about how he felt about me dating and sleeping with other women, and he said that he honestly did not view me being with another woman as cheating. He said that he was okay with it and it did not threaten him like me being with another guy did. And then it was as if it hit me like a ton of bricks -- I realized I wanted to be with another woman more than anything. Romantically or sexually. It got to the point where it was almost like a sickness, I'd think about being with another woman from the time I woke up in the morning to when I went to bed at night. I felt like it was now my life's mission to get the girlfriend I always wanted, but never had. I would flirt with girls I knew and crushed on, hoping for some kind of response. None. I posted ads up on Craigslist and ******* looking for women to date, explaining my situation and that I was married but my husband did not mind me seeing other women. I didn't have much luck until fairly recently. I saw a Craigslist ad from an older woman in a similar situation as I am. I responded and to my delight, we hit it off right away. She came over the next day and, well, it was my first time ever with a woman. It was wonderful and exciting and thrilling, and I knew I wanted to do it again and again. I loved how soft and affectionate a woman's touch was. The only thing that made me unsure was that there were points where I was not as aroused as I thought maybe I should have been, but I chalked that up to being scared and nervous moreso than not being into her, after all, it was such a new situation. She told me that she was looking for the same thing I was, not just sex but companionship as well, and I was so happy, I thought I finally had my first girlfriend. I liked her a lot and she said she liked me too, and that we would be getting together again the following week. The week after that, she was literally all I could think about. Then I called and texted her a few times on the day we were supposed to meet up again ... no response. I called her once again the day after, still no response. At that point, I feared seeming like a crazy stalker so I just let it go. But I'm not going to lie, it hurt and I cried. I still don't know why she never called back, I'd like to think maybe she had something going on in her life rather than anything personal to do with me. I told myself I shouldn't get so worked up over what was basically just a Craigslist hook-up but considering it was the first girl I was ever with and I really thought it was going to lead to something else based on the way she talked, it did bother me. Now I'm left feeling sadder and more confused than ever. I still love my husband but I feel like I love want and to be with women, too. I don't know. If my husband's into it, maybe this really is one of those situations where I can have my cake and eat it too? But I'm still not entirely sure where my sexual preferences lie, and what to call myself. I feel like it's harder to tell with us women because it seems like women will have all sorts of varying degrees of same-sex attractions and even experiences, yet still identify as "straight," whereas with guys it's more cut-and-dry. I've also had people tell me that they think you can't identify as bisexual unless you've had a full-on relationship with both sexes. Well, I don't think that's entirely fair! I mean, it's not like it's my own choice that I haven't had a full-on relationship with a woman, I just haven't had much opportunity. Also, that strikes me as slightly offensive in a way... it seems like you can be straight and yet have no experience, yet for some reason, to identify as bi or gay you have to have all this experience and relationships etc etc to back it up. What's up with that? I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I would love to be with a woman again, but I'm wondering if maybe I am trying too hard and should just let things come naturally. After all, if there's a woman out there for me, she'll come along when the time is right, right? I just don't know.
