Hello, I don't really know where to start. I really don't know where my head or my heart is. I have trouble with confidence when it comes to romantic circumstances. Here are the facts in bullet points: -I'm 21 y/o - Female -I've never been in a relationship (just those shitty primary school things that lasted for -about a week and you hardly saw one another) -I am a huge tomboy - always have been -I told my Mum last August I think I might be gay - She reacted the best way imaginable. -I only had the guts to tell my Mum this when I had had thoughts of killing myself and I was terrified my family would dis-own me. -She took me to the Doctor for help (advice) which he recommended a young persons clinic - which I have never been to but again i think that's a confidence thing. -I'm a virgin - Only sexual experience i've had is a guy in Uni going down on me and I was pretty hammered at the time. -Another thing that constantly plays on my mind - and i know this really shouldn't be a problem but society is a bitch and it's always on my mind. Pubic hair - what the hell do I do with it. -Sex is a BIG deal for me. There's been a few opportunities where it could of happened, it's not like i haven't tried, but things got in the way e.g. the one guy I thought about doing it with didn't have protection and I wasn't on birth control. It's like I want to just do it and get it over with but then theres another part of me that just wants to wait and do it with the person who i love. There was another situation where I wanted to do it with this guy before I went away to uni because I didn't want to be at uni a virgin but i chickened out. -I don't know whether I should try doing it with a guy before I say "right that's it i'm gay" Or whether I should do it with someone who I just want to do it with - when the time comes. -I have sexual thoughts about being with a woman more than i have sexual thoughts about being with a guy. The thought of having sex with a woman is .....more comforting to me than being with a guy. But then I think how can this happen when i haven't even had sex! -I realised I went through a series of stages anger, denial, depression, am i at the bargaining stage yet? - I know it's not the best way to put it but it has felt like the five stages of grief for me personally. -Throughout school to the present I've realised there was always a part of me that was close to one girl at any one time, i'd get very protective over them and want to treat them better than anyone else. I even got jealous when the girl I really liked whilst at uni started talking about guys and doing things without me. Is this just being a good friend?! I did have thoughts about her but I could never act upon them. The friendship was to precious to me. As you can tell I think way to hard into things but I think this is the best way for me to say it without actually saying it. My mum tried to talk to me about it but as much as i love her even if i knew i was definitely straight i couldn't talk to my mum about sex. It would be great to read your opinions - Thank you for reading, I appreciate it's a long post. It's just good for me to see it in black and white for the very first time.
I do not think you have to have sex with one member of a certain sex in order to decide whether or not you like that sex or another. You may only just not like that particular person. Also, I have only had sex with women in my lifetime and I can say without doubt that my sexual interest lies with women - whether cis or trans. Even men who are feminine I am more comfortable around personally. I also do not think you should rush and get it over with just because you feel like you should or that you should test the waters. It would probably be in your best interest I would think to just wait and have sex with someone who you actually want to experience it with - regardless of whether that may be a woman or not, who knows. However, perhaps you should attempt pursuing women (not necessarily having sex, just putting yourself in romantic interactions with women) to see if your interest does lie there. It seems your friendship with the girl you talked about at the end of your post could be an indication that you are more inclined towards women. It could also mean it was just something about her specifically that you desired. You could also do this with men (again, sex does not have to be included). The pubic hair question is legit lol. You have to have bush confidence as they say. Different people have different desires when it comes to pubic hair. So my advice is do whatever you want to do with it that makes YOU the most comfortable. You can always change it later if you want, but if you don't feel confident about it then it will affect anything you do sexually just about.
You shouldn't feel that you have to have sex with a guy just to gauge your reaction if you have no actual desire to have sex with them. If you don't have the desire, that already tells you what you need to know. Chances are, it could create more confusion, anyway. Because it's not just attraction at play, it's also physical stimulation. You can get off and still be a lesbian, and straight women can still find themselves unsatisfied or disappointed. That was kind of my experience with my two boyfriends at uni. It's taken a long time to realize that even though I enjoyed it, it was more like masturbating most of the time, I kind of had to zone out to get into it. Just do what you want to do, and don't worry that you have to prove anything just because you don't have a lot of experience. When the right chance comes up, I think you'll be confident enough to know what you want.
