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Will I ever feel attraction like a normal person?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ChromeNerd, Apr 17, 2014.

  1. ChromeNerd

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    I've only felt butterflies about one person and I only felt those butterflies once. I also find it very hard to get turned on by stuff. It used to be easier, but I got desensitized to the stuff that used to turn me on.

    Even though I'm rarely attracted to people I tend to check out girls like a pervy straight guy would.

    I suspect that I lack attraction to people because I was bullied as a kid. I remember getting normal crushes when I was a kid. When I hit puberty I noticed that I got more "pervy", but nothing about my crushes changed.

    When I do get crushes or an attraction to someone I feel warm and happy around that person. I often wanted to spend as much time as I could alone with that person. What is very weird is that I remember more childhood crushes than teen crushes.

    I remember about 3 or 4 childhood crushes and only about one and a half teen crushes. I do remember having quite a few obsessions with random girls that I don't know(musicians most of the time), but I'm not sure if they're real crushes.

    I was once looking through some Facebook photos of one musician with my dad. I happened to see a picture of her from the 80s(she's 49 now). My dad said she looked cute. I got all embarrassed and I was hoping my dad didn't notice.

    My dad also teased me about being shy about contacting her. Since I'm out to my dad I hope he doesn't suspect I have a crush on her. Mostly because she's 49. It would be weird if I actually had a crush on her because I only got crushes on girls that are around my age even when I was a kid.
     
    #1 ChromeNerd, Apr 17, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2014
  2. Karabeara

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    You sound a lot like me except I wasn't bullied. That does sound like normal attraction to me. But I can't tell you if your feelings will ever change. You don't need to fit to normal though. You feel how you feel just go with it.
     
  3. Chip

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    To really feel deep attraction and connection requires vulnerability. And vulnerability gets shut down when one is bullied; the bullying basically numbs us to protect us from the negative feelings (shame, loss of self esteem) that come along with the bullying.

    Likewise, many people who are closeted or newly coming out, who have a lot of fear and anxiety about being out experience the same thing; they find that it's hard to really experience strong feelings of attraction and connection... but magically, once they've been out for a few months, they find that their attraction grows much stronger and more intense.

    It's this lack of vulnerability that mistakenly makes many people feel they don't have strong sexual attraction, or they can only feel attraction when they get to know someone... and then, once they do the vulnerability work, the find that the attraction was there all along, just suppressed by the numbing behaviors.

    The good news is, you can learn to be vulnerable and to open up to those feelings, and when you do, not only do you find yourself feeling more connection and attraction, but you also have greater access to joy and excitement and other positive feelings.

    The work of Dr. Brené Brown is focused on vulnerability and its importance in our ability to live, love, and be creative and courageous. I'd suggest checking out her TED talk "The Power of Vulnerability" and "The Price of Invulnerability" (both on Youtube) and if her work speaks to you, you may want to check out her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" I think you'll find that it keys directly into what you're experiencing.