If you do take the time to read this. and talk to me, i really appreciate it, hell i love you as a human because this is really causing turmoil in my life and mind. It's the downfall in my whole life, because i now care about nothing, i have no desire to be anything i wanted to be, i feel deprived of my true self, and i was never given a warning from the day it all began... I stumbled across porn as a child, on tv, the soft-core stuff on cinemax and etc. I was normal, was into girls, games, etc so forth. I would steal dvd's out of the entertainment room that had women on the covers wearing sexually provocative clothing to beat off to. I remember i watched Piranha (the original classic) and was surprised with the boob flash scene and i did the little slow motion thing and would just go to town lol. But apart from that, i was cool, had a regular amount of interest in girls. Soon, hardcore porn came into play once i got a desktop and i to this day, remember so many women it's amazing, it's like burned in my brain. But in middle school, i got a cell phone then and sexting was on the rise. I started talking to different girls and sexting them (was amazing) and soon though, i started wondering how to get a bigger penis/cock/whatever you prefer to say. I realized now that i was influenced by porn and the guys in it, i wanted to be buff like them, look like them, and have a package like them, so i can impress the girls in an even GREATER way but i didn't no any better. I would watch techniques, read articles non stop and go in the bathroom and emulate what i learned like jelqing for instance (i don't even think it worked). And i feel that at that point in time, i simultaneously gained an obsession with penis size because i became focused on that for my hopeful benefit. I remember like it was yesterday, i was re-watching a Jazmine Cashmere video, it was in a light blue room on a blue sofa (i remember like i said), and i wasn't erect. I was like "what the.." cause that was weird ya know? It's like my arousal ended up decreasing, found out i had ED. But around some time later, i don't know when, i got curious about shemale porn (i really don't know how...it's all just blank) and eventually gay porn. I watched it, pretty sure i masturbated to it. But soon ditched it, i even was talking to different guys, exchanging cock photos (don't know). But eventually i stopped, got in high school, started dating the girl i lost my virginity to even though she did dirty stuff (like lie, and mess around with my old friend after we did a temp. break up cause i assumed she was cheating). It was amazing, i was scared that i wouldn't be able to perform, even though i was always aroused with her like a normal straight guy with a girl he's attracted to really. But skipping all that (broke up a year or two later cause she wanted a baby, and she was acting like a nympho, she changed), i became more stressed out of no where, and started watching porn more, masturbating more, just more and more. It ended up effecting my school work and my mind, behavior. I started not giving a shit about anything. I recall how girls would ask me why i was quiet, i never knew but i found out because i isolated myself for all these years, just in my room, seeing as my parents didn't really bring me out my room. An old teacher sat me down and told me she seen a change and that's when it clicked, that i had a serious problem. I did my research and since just been trying to learn more about what porn does to our brains. But lately, i still noticed how i couldn't get powerful erections like i used to and ended up watching transsexual porn (she had to look like a woman, period man...period). I was loaded, i seemed to be somewhat turned on by the cock is what i guess but i didn't know how. It creeped me out because i didn't LIKE it, nor men, but it just got me hard honestly. Then i connected it to me always wanting a bigger cock when i was younger, that it's the reason why seeing them would get me hard. And that my porn addiction is the root cause to it, because of escalation. But i also developed HOCD. And i would begin thinking am i gay and it was constant all day and all night. Yet i knew/know i liked/like women and always have. Just some weeks ago i tried to test myself and watch gay porn and that was the weakest thing i tried to do, i still try to test myself. I can't even watch it, let alone i can't find a video simply because i'm not gay, i don't like guys in that way so it doesn't interest me. But whenever i watch blowjob or handjob video (what i'm into) i'll be hard. What bites me is that i can't get that same erection while say watching a girl solo or something, when i actually like it. It's like i have some sort of arousal trigger for seeing a big penis. I have no problem with gays (except the stereotypes, i'm sorry, they're annoying and just creepy) but it's just that i'm not gay, yet what can get me hard, seems to make think that's what i would fit in with. Seeing as i can't get a good erection, i can't have sex with girl, or get married and have sex. I'm not going down that route but i'm just saying, what's wrong with me? Have i ever liked a guy? no, i have not. BUT i will admit, that the other day on tumblr, this guy who does photography, i checked out his page for more pics and he looks like a girl (i had to take a second look) and honestly, it just came to me that he was pretty or you know.."cute" because he looks so much like a girl, and it made me feel weird but that's it, don't wanna do anything, he just looks very...womanish...cute. So, what do you guys think? Is there hope? is it possible i can find my sexual balance again? so i can get out this depression and anxiety? Is the fact that seeing an erect penis does make me hard, does that make me "gay" to YOU? Should i just embrace this and... i don't know, stay messed up? I know it's about how i feel but shit man...i never asked to get hard from looking at a dudes dick on video! I just wanted to enlarge mines for the ladies, but look at me now Can't even talk to a girl in a serious way because of that. Imagine feeling like your true self became buried under your negative deeds, and a horrible manifestation (it's horrible for me because this isn't how i always was) took over who you are...all by accident. Don't mention anything about religion, i'm a former muslim, now atheist. Let's not bring any ancient entities into this, please (no disrespect). Thank you.
have you tried talking to a counsellor/therapist about this? (in particular a sex one perhaps?) An addiction to porn can become an increasingly big problem and you obviously don't want it to affect your later life. And a lot of men can get hard from watching handjob/blowjob videos, just because they can imagine that it is happening to them, it doesn't matter who is giving it. This dream of always having a bigger penis could also have something to do with it (and on that note, size really doesn't matter to most people and it is something that, i imagine, is something that you(and a lot of other people) are thinking does matter because of porn). I don't think you are gay, and most people have those curiosity's, where they wonder what it would be like, but i wouldn't say that that makes you gay or even bisexual, but that is my opinion
I'm aware this may not help, but there was a documentary made recently about being addicted to porn. They took a young student to sets and showed him just how it was being made, and it put the majority of the people involved off of porn. But as said above, I'd see a counsellor of some sort. I frequently have discussions with my friends about the sensation of sexual pleasure rather than the turn on of who is doing it, so I wouldn't worry, watching blowjob/handjob videos can be (again, as stated above) because you want to image that's you, and imagine that sensation in your mind. Just talk about it with someone you can trust, you're not alone
