Honestly, I'm just a big mass of confusion. I know I'm not straight. I've told my family this and just said that I wasn't ready yet to apply a label to myself yet. And because they're awesome they're totally behind me and are pretty much the antithesis of homophobic I'm not sure if I'm bi with a preference or lesbian? I mean, I'm not looking to make a single descision right now immediatly but I would still want a second opinion, advice, just a few pointers or reasons why I might be one thing or the other. I think it would help me with some of my confusion. I've had two relationships so far, both straight. They were great guys, but,there was always something missing. Before I elaborate here, I am 15. In New Zealand (where I live) the legal age for sex is 16 but I am the youngest in my year, let alone the rampant underage sex that happens in my community(wow great way to promote nz Caelum). But anyhow; there was something missing and while a kiss now and then was very nice I never wanted to go any further than that and never felt any drive to. Sometimes a kiss would be to 'keep him happy' more that anything else. So nothing ever happened really and in the end we would have a mutual break off because it didn't seem to have,the chemistry that all our peers would be boasting about. Sometimes I felt I was underdeveloped, that somehow there was something wrong despite the fact I would have my sexual fantasies and such. Onto that. (ugh this feels awkward to talk about) Um. Well, I do have fantasies about both sexes, but with a male it's more about the foreplay, but then foreplay that tends to not invovle the penis anymore than grinding. Um, penetration does get in there too but I don't like to see the oenis itself. Some digging has told me that plenty of girls (straight and otherwise) don't like the look of it and are mildly grossed out by it. Also that it's possible to prefer the look of gentilia outside of your sexuality. However, sexual fantasies about girls yend to be everything my mind,can think up. Uh, I tend to shy away from porn just simply because I'm a bit of a prude and even though it's, um, meant for the veiwers enjoyment and it's taped for godsake it still feels like an invasion of privacy to me. Yeah, I'm just weird like that. GirlxxBoy porn I hate to watch, because it seems really fake and overdone etc. Boyxxboy is nice enough, but there's too many penises, haha. Girlxxgirl I'm scared to watch because I can't help but still be somewhere between the denial and acceptance stage of my non-heterosexuality but I enjoy it all the same. It's my prefered porn, if done well. Um, reading back over this I feel like I'm emphasising the lesbian side of myself. That said everything is true. Um. I do form romantic relationships with boys, it's just the physcial side intimidates me. I havn't had a relationship with another girl, so I can't really compare properly, but I have had crushes and such but unfortunatly I don't know any girls who are gay or bi, openly or not. My gaydar is pretty suckful though, despite me non-heterosexual. I have had a sexual attraction to one guy though but I'm not sure how much that was made by my denial or the 'unreachable desire' kind of complex as he was in a pretty serious relationship with another girl. I have heard of people veing "Dave-sexual" or whatever if we now call the guy dave where things do happen outside of your sexuality -- so I don't really know People can be straight with past gay relationships and vice versa, right? And I'm young too, although this sexuality thing has been going since I was a small kid, so there the whole figure out who you are thing, right? I'm aware I have plenty of time, but it's still not frustrating that I just don't seem to know Oh and interesting fact; my first boyfriend has ended up questioning his sexuality as well. This I know because I was luckily enough to remain a close friend after our relationship had ended. Yeah, this whole thread is a big " I don't know "
I think you just need more time. In the sense of both time-time, and life experience. That experience is what will show and reveal to you, all in good time, who you are, as far as your preferences & attractions go. How about this: What if you just enjoy being you? Enjoy liking those people you come across and are attracted to; enjoy the sort of 'exhilaration of surprise' in finding yourself really drawn to some person, perhaps unexpectedly, one day...and then, following where your heart and attractions lead? I think maybe the biggest gift you can give yourself right now is the freedom of openness to discovery, on a moment by moment, living in the 'now' basis. Obviously you have the support in your life for it, so there is no pressure on you from the outside to hide, or feel shame, or have to decide, or to not not know. So I guess what I am saying is: Enjoy? lol Enjoy the fresh air of complete and utter freedom you're breathing, in this situation. You are so lucky! And, from one who did not get to grow up so unfettered, I guess I just envy your situation right now and wish I was in the position to be free to be whoever I indeed was, at 15 - like you are. The world is your oyster, here. :') I wonder, though: Am I reading some internal fear, from you, over completely liking just girls - if that turns out to be the case? Do you kind of not want to be a lesbian, deep down? If so, do you know why that is? Is it just, as you said I think, that you're maybe still bargaining/coming to terms with the fact that you like girls? And, DO you feel some kind of sense of social shame or stigma, even though your loved ones are supportive - and that's why?
I can completely relate to this. I have never had a gay relationship, and I'm not sure my straight ones count, but I didn't really feel any drive to go further either. I don't know if it helps, but you're not alone, and it might just be that there wasn't any attraction there, or that your friends were exaggerating some of their experiences. I agree you may just need some time to experience yourself - see who REALLY does make you want more, whether girl or guy or both. If it's any consolation, at your age, I didn't like anyone like that anyway. And I totally get the frustration. Sometimes you just have to wait for someone worth it to come along to know for sure. Sorry I couldn't be more help.
