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Married and Confused.com

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Zippydoodah, Apr 23, 2014.

  1. Zippydoodah

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    I am very confused at the moment and don't know what to do. I have just turned 40 and I have been with my wife for 12 years. Whilst I'm in a straight relationship, I've always considered myself to be bi. Unfortunately, I wasn't honest with my now wife from the start. I don't know why I've always considered myself bi as I've only really had about 3 gay sexual experiences in my life and they were only really drunken snogs. I backed away before anything more could happen. I've always had a "straight" leaning and when I met my wife, I didn't consider it important. My sexuality has always been quite fluid and at the time i just considered that being with the right person was the important thing, rather than their sex. I love my wife and still find her sexually attractive and I've had about 10 previous straight relationships, a few of which were one night stands and I've always found and still find women sexually attractive. I've never cheated on her and never would. If I ever watch porn, it's straight porn. To be honest, I don't really find men THAT attractive but I don't know whether that's because I just haven't found the right one/been in such a state of denial that I haven't allowed myself! I haven't ever really had a high libido and so I've never really been driven by sexual desire to seek sex be it gay or straight. As I said, my sexuality has always been quite fluid and at the moment, the pendulum seems to have swung the other way and I think I might actually be gay. I can't however stand the thought of blowing a great hole in my marriage, just to find out when I may be wrong....or for the pendulum to swing the other way, back to "straight" again.
    Another issue is that I suffer from anxiety- I therefore don't know if how I am feeling is connected to the anxiety and I'm anxious because I think I might be gay or the anxiety is picking on my paranoia....god, so confused :frowning2:
     
  2. Zippydoodah

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  3. Agaetis Byrjun

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    Hey there, have you checked out the later in life forum? The unfortunate thing about realizing this while married is that it doesn't leave you a lot of space for self-discovery, and I'd be totally clueless too about how to go about it. Besides going to see a counselor, and that may be a good way to sort out some of the anxiety issues as well. Are there other issues in the marriage that could be playing a part? Do you ever feel more distant than you used to?
     
  4. Zippydoodah

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    Thanks for replying- What's crazy about it is that there aren't really any issues in the marriage. We get on really well. I have to say, our sex life isn't great but my wife suffers from vaginismus and therefore sex/intercourse isn't really an option. We are however very tactile and demonstrative to each other though. I do feel a distance- more so when the anxiety is at it's worst but when it subsides, I feel I can reconnect again.

    ---------- Post added 24th Apr 2014 at 10:31 AM ----------

    I think a lot of the anxiety relates to whether I'm gay or not rather than issues in the marriage (albeit that could be a major issue!). I have read online that there is something called HOCD when u obsess about being gay without being gay but that could also be denial!!
     
  5. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place.

    I'm a little confused with your post. You say you're not all that interested in sex of any kind, don't find men attractive, and yet you are saying that the 'pendulum' of your sexuality has swung to the gay side. Unless you're built differently from me there isn't an actual 'pendulum' or a 'side' that is labeled 'gay'. :slight_smile: So what is it lately that has caused you to think this way?

    If you suffer from anxiety, then this would be something to be anxious about for sure. I'm not sure that I buy into hocd specifically, but ocd certainly does exist in people.

    Why do you think this has come up recently? Normally it is because we (i.e. someonen mid life in a hetersexual relationship) have stumbled across gay porn, or met someone and suddenly found ourselves 'crushing' on them, or some kind of trigger.