Let me begin by clarifying what I mean by "HOCD," I do not mean homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder, but perhaps an opposite of that, heterosexual obsessive compulsive disorder. It's been maybe roughly a year that I've come into terms that I like/love girls (I'm 16.) Last year I developed a strong crush on one of my friends that's a girl and even though nothing happened between us since I did have feelings for her it caused me to realize that I do like girls and maybe even more versus guys. Since last year I've been pursuing girls and have even flirted with online and got into one long distance relationship with another girl (it ended but it was lovely. Also the reason I can't get into a physical relationship with a girl yet is because I live in a homophobic household plus it's hard for me to meet other girls since I attend an online school.) I actually really enjoy liking/loving girls. I'm super turned on and fantasize everyday about the idea of having sex with a girl, and I daydream all the time about being married to a woman and raising a family with her and when I'm online (on tumblr) and see cute romantic lesbian gifs and images I get a super happy rush of feelings in my chest/neck(?) area that I enjoy Anyway, my only issue is I have a terrible fear of becoming heterosexual or liking males again. Prior to falling for my girl friend I was actually very interested in guys, since elementary school in fact. I remember having a few sexual crushes and a few romantic crushes on boys and I remember being in a very boy crazy state. Maybe I am bisexual but since I've been pursuing girls and getting more into girls it's like a part of me is just completely turned off by men and guys. I don't care for them anymore and I really don't want to. I even made a list of pros and cons to dating woman versus men and I came to the conclusion that woman are the best sex for me to be with. But I'm frightened of suddenly switching back to liking guys because I'm afraid what if one day I fall in love with a guy? I try to envision myself with a guy and get a strange blocked off/bad feeling in my chest and end up shuddering trying to imagine a future like that. It really paranoids me so badly. I took the Kinsley test and got a solid 6 on it but even though I still get paranoid and always obsess over my sexuality. I go crazy everyday constantly worrying about being attracted to guys again and how I really don't want it to happen. I go absolutely insane worrying myself to death and it makes me sad. I'm sure if I told my homophobic mom she'd say I'm in denial of liking guys but the thing is I don't really like guys sexually or romantically, I'm just afraid of that happening. I'm going to hopefully see a therapist on this issue soon but I'm hoping someone here can give me some advice or kind words to hold me over before I actually go. Thank you friends.
In a way it makes sense, it sounds like a fear of uncertainty or fear of the unknown, which is totally normal. Depending on how severe these feelings are and how much they are affecting your life, your therapist may be able to help you manage these worries. Are you seeing a therapist you've been with before and are comfortable with to talk about this?
Hi Nicolette, So I'm in kind of an interesting position that I think might help. All of us people that use hormones to change our physical sex, either get told or do our own research on what hormones do. Side effects, everything. Well, one of the potential side effects, is that some people switch orientations. Not everyone. You have to have a fluid sexuality to begin with. And it's not really a switch, so much as kind of an uncovering of what was already there and never ever had a chance to blossom, if that makes sense. But yeah, however you want to define it, some people report liking women one minute and men the next. So you see how this relates to your situation. Your fear is my might actually happen. Now with your situation, I know it would suck, if you had just come out lesbian, and you discovered one day that you liked guys. It's like being in the closet all over again. Some people do say a lot of nasty things to people like that. So what helped me, and I hope helps you, is realizing just like the first time you came out of the closet, it turns out most people out there are way more understanding than you give them credit. People really do not care that much. I saw someone that identified one way for a long time, silently change their orientation right here on EC to "bisexual". I only noticed because they are a friend. No one else noticed at all. When I'm talking to people here, it's nice. I can talk to them on a different level. Not everything is about sex. We can BS about video game characters or movies. That's the stuff I care more about. If I ever end up with a woman, and one day I find out I can't have sex with her any more, I'll tell her. It will suck, but I have come out in one relationship, I can do it again. I won't get in a relationship with a man, for the same reason you won't; we can't have sex and it would not be fair to him. But that would be a different situation. The difference is, I know that right now, I'm only attracted to women. So getting in a relationship with a woman and being surprised later, right, getting in a relationship with a man, wrong. So that's what I came up with. Because what you are afraid of could be a reality for me. I think you have very reasonable and rational concerns. I don't think there is anything psychologically wrong with you at all for having them. I just think concerns like yours and mine are just ones that most people don't talk about in a world where heterosexual is normal. It's probably the case that there are a lot more people that feel exactly like you than you realize. That said, sexuality just does not change for most people. Mine hasn't and probably won't. Yours hasn't and probably won't. And if it does, you're a step ahead, because you came out once and know what to expect. You should have an easier time.
I'm seeing a new therapist actually My mom is yet to make an appointment but it's going to be a woman who specializes in LGBT, OCD, and anxiety problems! ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2014 at 10:24 PM ---------- It was a pretty long and hard journey of self acceptance to finally come into terms that I like girls and I guess I'd rather not go through that journey again with boys. I just feel that if I were in a long term relationship with a male I'd miss the comfort of being with a girl versus if I can see myself married to a girl forever and not ever craving or missing a boy. I just get really paranoid because I don't think I was born gay but I didn't exactly choose to become attracted to girls either, it just happened. I'm really content liking woman so I hope my sexuality doesn't change again and stays like this but thanks for the feed back
I know what you mean. I mean it is scary to think about for all the reasons you already said. And honestly... I kind of like the relationship dynamic between two women better. There are some forward thinking guys out there but everything this way is so much more equal. But I mean it's also something you have no control over. It's kind of like worrying about a meteor hitting your car while you sleep.
I have the same problem. I kind of want to come out, but I'm staying in the closet because I'm scared that I'll end up falling for a guy. I did come out as bi when I was younger, but I kind of regret it.
Well that is good, it sounds like you'll have someone who will be understanding and helpful for you. Starting with someone new I know I'd be worried about getting someone dismissive and not understanding.
As someone who went through this recently, while I can't scientifically prove it, I don't feel like sexuality changes, it's rather you realize what it is over time and experience. For me it just didn't happen. I consciously chose to spend time with a male friend of mine, doing things similar to dating, after 2 years of not dating anyone. I didn't have to do that, there were a number of women in my area I could've dated, I just didn't want a serious relationship with anyone and thought spending time with him would be safe, because I knew I was a lesbian, and he knew it too. He didn't want to get serious about anyone either. What we did was risky, because if I'd been just bi-romantic instead of bisexual, I might've fell in love with him but not able to enjoy physical contact with him, and that wouldn't have been fair to either of us. The simple solution is I could've simply avoided the situation by choosing to not do that. I could've chose to date only women instead and maybe eventually I would've found someone new to love, and he could've done the same thing. Then although we'd both still be friends, we wouldn't be BF and GF. I wouldn't have felt confusion about doing and feeling something different that what I assumed my true orientation was. Although some people claim to have fallen in love merely at first sight, for most people it takes some time and effort. If you're worried about it, just don't do anything that might lead to a problem.
