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Please help me. Tired of this confusion

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jason1998, Apr 24, 2014.

  1. Jason1998

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2014
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    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Here is everything. Please please help me. All the cards are layed out.
    I am 15 years old.
    All my life, I have been called girly and gay because I act somewhat like
    It. I sort of blame it on the atmosphere I grew up which was mostly women.
    From ages 7-8, my sister dressed me up as a girl and made me act like one and I had a lot of fun. I had a boyfriend who I really didn't have sexual attraction for at that age, it was just fun to act like that. From what I remember I got really in character, and acted well.

    Anyways, my parents were very homophobic all my life and always taught me
    Not to be gay.
    Starting at the age of 10 is the earliest gay thought I remember.
    From that age, until several months ago, I thought I was gay but gave it absolutely
    No thought. I masterbated to men, watched gay porn, had several crushes on guys, and fantasizes about them all the time. I think I may have had several attractions to men before them but maybe repressed it due to family circumstances and just being young


    A couple of months back, I started to reevaluate
    My life and think about it, and realized that I was bisexual leaning towards males.
    I have had many many crushes on women as well, as well as obbesions.
    I could masterbate to hetero fantasies and hetero porn ( me looking at the women), just as well but it takes more time. Lesbian porn doesnt arouse me at all
    I have had many stronger crushes on women then with males. But with women, the crush fell more emotionally as well as sexually.

    For example, I fell in love with Elizabeth berkley. Mostly her
    Personality. I found her amazingly nice and started to act like her a little because I was so in love. Then I saw the movie showgirls, and was very attracted to her character, the stripper. I masterbated to it quite a few times as well.

    I also had some crushes on guys such as gale Harold and zac efron. These crushes were not that big, and the thing is, i didn't want to be on a relationship though, just found them attractive.

    I also am currently in love with kourtney kardashian. I have strong sexual and physical and emotional urges towards her.



    Now I am confused with who to be with in the future. I am not comfortable not being straight at all and feel that I can never be in a gay relationship. In that prospect, women have my heart.


    Sometimes, when I look at women, and see how beautiful and smooth their bodies are, they are my winners. But other days, it's like that with men.

    With women, when I have fantasies I get physically aroused( boner) but I don't get that feeling of horniness. With men I do.

    But with women, I want an actual relationship and right now, I do like a girl more emotionally. I don't find her attractive, because she really is not to put it in a nice way. But talking to her makes
    Me forget, and all the pain goes away.

    With guys, especially cute, I get very anxious and nervous, probably because I don't know them. But it's an uncontrollable feeling even if I don't find them so attractive.

    I will not tell this to any of my family members or future wife.

    I just feel like with a women, sometimes, something is missing which is the masculinity features of a men. But with men, there is something missing as well which is the softness that women posses.

    I don't want to try to have a relationship with guys now, I want to ignore it although it is pretty strong. But I just don't want to, yes maybe some sexual
    Relations, but at the End of the day I want to be with women

    So I am sexually attracted to both with a preference for men, but overal, preference for women


    My biggest fear is getting married, having kids, and realize I'm gay and have to divorce my wife.


    Gay sex:
    Just like oral, mans basic masculinity, sexual noises they make, and their touch


    Women:
    Vaginal sex, creative sexy sex positions (jacuzzi, shower, bedroom), their breasts, women's body movements and basic excitement of getting caught and being naked

    I hate fashion, malls, musicals, plays, singing.
    I love dancing (ballroom), drama, gossip




    Attached is a poll. Please answer it and be 100% honest. Your opinion counts
     
  2. Just Jess

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2013
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    Location:
    Denver
    Hi Jason,

    Your poll, which had 3 options - "am I straight, am I bi, am I gay" - would have been completely unhelpful. We simply can't tell you.

    What I can do is give you some of your words back to you,

    I can also say that other bisexual people have talked about having long periods of time where they are into just guys, and long periods where it's just girls. A lot of them say they can have happy monogamous relationships either way, just that they won't always be "in the mood" with their partner. And they put their money where their mouth is. I know several bisexual people in happy relationships, some of them coming up on 10 years. One of my friends, who is a bisexual male, just got married to a straight female.

    Finally, I can say that while sex and gender do intertwine a little bit, especially with culture, some of the gay men I know are the manliest men I know. And some of the gay women I have been lucky enough to be friends with, have had tons of advice that has helped with my transition - and that advice was helpful news to my cis straight ex girlfriend who also didn't know about a lot of this stuff. And finally one of my straight male friends - we drifted apart, but he used to be my best friend - was the manliest guy you ever met. He was a gifted martial artist. He could use everything from a chain whip or meteor hammer to a katana to a bow and arrow on horseback... you name it, he'd have a shot. He also, for fun, did drag for a Rocky Horror live theater performance.

    So what I am saying is, girly doesn't necessarily mean gay, and gay doesn't necessarily mean girly.

    Good luck discovering yourself though :slight_smile: We're all here for you. Take your time and figure out what it will take to make you happy. If there is one thing that life has taught me, it's that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else anyway.

    ---------- Post added 26th Apr 2014 at 01:03 PM ----------

    One more thing. Your fear - that you marry a girl and it turns out you are gay - that's a legitimate fear. But there is an easy way to deal with it. Just be up front, when you date. You don't need a definite label. Just share everything you shared with us, with her.

    For all you know you will find a woman that feels a lot of the same things.

    Divorce does happen. But I feel - I don't have any hard numbers - that it is way way more rare among couples that don't have any secrets. If you are both 100% open and honest with each other I think it is way more likely that you can find ways around your problem that don't involve divorce.

    And all THAT said, I want to ask you a question. If you met a man and fell in love with him, would you admit it to yourself? The thing about being gay AND in a relationship, is that you always have someone at your back and holding your hand every step of the way. Being gay is a lot less terrifying if you don't have to do it alone. I don't want you to miss out on a good thing just because of fear.