I always labeled myself lesbian, but I've come to realize with time It's more accurate to call myself a "homoromantic gray-asexual". I guess I have a hard time admitting who I really am, because I feel like I'm more accepted as being a lesbian in the gay community than I would be accepted as being ace. As a lesbian (at least a sexual one), I also feel like more people would be willing to date me than they would date an ace. For now I just put my orientation as "women" because I feel it's accurate (In a romantic sense of course) without being too technical. For some reason, I rarely hang around the asexual community since I feel I'm more on the sexual side of things; still feeling a rare desire for people. But at the same time, I don't fit in the gay community either. I feel like I'm judged or discriminated against in subtle ways some of the time due to my lack of interest in sex (which I understand can be hard to comprehend). I have noticed that society views sexual interest to be higher. If two partners have mismatched drives, It's always the low sex drive that needs fixing and not the high one. If you hate having a high sex drive, you're told to accept it and are refused help. If you like having a low drive, It's unacceptable and you need help. Speaking of which, I've always had a high sex drive, but I guess that never changed my sexuality. It never made me want to seek anybody out, and it never made me feel sexual attraction. It was just an annoyance. I would mostly "play with myself" and although I can enjoy it, I HATE having to do it all the time. I used to search online for ways to decrease it, and never got help. I even considered suicide at one point to get rid of it. However, I did get medicated for it, and now my sex drive only peaks up once a week. I'm a lot happier this way, but for some reason I get people "pitying" me now that my drive is low. Why? I'm not sure if I even ever want to have a girlfriend at this point. I'm a very romantic person and I would love to have one...but I also feel like if I had to sleep with someone more than once a week, I would just go crazy. I don't even like the physical stimulation of sex. I hate orgasms (Yeah, you heard that right). I feel like part of this is due to my sensory processing disorder, where being touched is extreme, and I can even have a panic attack due to the "ick" factor. Ironically, though, I like to talk about sex. I like to write and roleplay sex. Telling sex jokes with sexual friends doesn't bother me at all. But when it goes back to myself...the sexual attraction is rarely there. The idea of sleeping with someone else turns me off. ALL of my sexual fantasies are between OTHER people instead of them involving myself. But I guess what I'm saying is that I'm also happy being a non-sexual person. I hated having a high sex drive. I love being able to focus on video games and art without having a sexual distraction. But at the same time it feels like there is so much "acephobia" out there in both communities. People telling you It's wrong to not like sex, that you should try it, that It's your fault if you have the low sex drive and you can't give your partner it as much as they would like. That people want to change us and our sexualities so we can have a "sexual" life. So It's like I can accept having no sexual attraction, but I can't accept identifying that way for some reason. Does anyone else understand what I mean at all?
Yes. Very much. I first discovered Asexuality about a decade ago and thought it was a good technical description of what I was going through. However, for some reason, I never really accepted it as my "label", even from the start. And I always found that strange. This. Wow. I never thought I'd find someone else saying that. All my sexual thoughts are like that too. I never see myself in them. Is that because I'm imagining myself as one of the other people (if so which one?) or is it that I just want to watch? I found fitting into the Asexual online community difficult because most the frequent posters were talking about their sexual experiences. Weren't they supposed to be A-sexual? I couldn't relate. As for being accepted in the homosexual community that will be difficult if you have a strong stated aversion to sex. After all, half of "homosexual" is "sexual". If you are ashamed of of something that's a natural part of you, especially if it brings you close to to suicide, that is a big problem. I think what people are pitying is not your low sex drive, but the shame that you feel. I think its better in the long run to accept what you are instead of trying to alter it. You've got this dichotomy going on that cries out for resolution. You clearly have some interest in romance and even sex, but something is blocking you from pursuing/enjoying it. I believe this suggests you have a problem that can be fixed as opposed to some rare, hardwired, orientation that prevents you from finding happiness. Take a careful inventory of your thoughts and feelings regarding sex and romance. Try to list out the ones that make you happy/proud the ones that are causing you confusion and suffering. It may be that the latter ones are actually generated by a disorder that can be treated. None of us should have to feel like are hardwired orientations are preventing us from finding relationships or even social acceptance.
Fallingdown, you have mentioned you have sexual attraction to others, but that the physical act is repellent to you... you've also mentioned sensory processing disorder. I hope I'm not overstepping anything when I say that may be a big factor. I'm still questioning my sexuality myself, and haves at times in my life also felt asexual (though that has been starting to change). I think I'm starting to realize that emotional/psychiatric issues were part of the issue for me, and it could be the case for you, too. While I'm not diagnosed with sensory processing disorder I suspect I may have it as well, as my senses seem rather out of whack in comparison to other people's experiences. Physical touch can be difficult for me, and my first instinct is often to recoil. I've only been in one relationship in my life, and getting to the physical intimacy was a very slow process, even with a person I trusted, though fortunately he was willing to work with me and be patient, and admittedly, things never developed fully to sex. I think if we had stayed together longer it would have happened, but because of my issues with contact we took it very slow. I wonder if that may be an option for you, if you can find a partner who is able to be patient, and allow you to slowly acclimate? Especially if you have been assessed for SPD, perhaps you can also look into some kind of exposure therapies that could help you work on sensory integration to help you slowly get more accustomed to touch? I suggest this because you say you DO have sexual attraction to people, it's when it becomes physical that it becomes a problem. That having been said, if you feel like you'd rather not have sexual relationships, that's fine of course, too... I just wanted to suggest some things for you to consider, based on my own experience thus far.
I do understand where you're both coming from. I do know for a fact that I can feel sexual attraction from time to time, It's just that it takes more than a year of knowing someone before I even feel it at all (And who wants to wait that long?). I've only felt sexual attraction once in my life to my ex-girlfriend that I knew two years before we became a couple, and we never "did anything" since we lived in different countries. I've never been sexually attracted to a stranger or a friend, surprisingly. I've seen porn, and I never found the participants to be physically attractive nor did they excite an interest in me. I've also had crushes on friends during the years, but I only thought of doing "romantic" activities with them and couldn't find a sexual spark. I guess that's why I feel more in the "grey" area (I'm technically demisexual, but I choose to not identify that way) because of how long it takes. My sensory problems are a huge issue for me, yeah. When I was really young, I hated touch so much it was hard for me to even wash my hair (Not a problem now, obviously). I can enjoy sexual stimulation a lot if I don't have to do it very much. Doing it once, maybe twice at most a week- that leaves me very satisfied. Doing it every day or every other day- not so much. Then I start to get agitated and I want my sex drive to disappear. I think that's the problem with me- If I can find someone that's willing to wait a few years before we do anything, I can do that. Especially if after we start becoming sexually active, they don't ask for it anymore than once (twice at the maximum) a week. But I don't know if anyone could handle that and that's my worry. Sex is just a minor part of my life; I want to be spend my life focusing more on things I enjoy more so, and I'm afraid it'll just get in the way of that if I find a 'too needy' partner. You guys are also right on the emotional issues, however. I do have a lot of sexual shame. It's linked to my internalized homophobia. I can picture being romantic and even marrying a girl without shame, but the sexual part gives me more shame than if I were sexually attracted to men. I think part of this came about from my mom and best friends telling me that two women can't have "real" sex or a complete sexual experience like a man and a woman (or even two men) can. I tried to shrug it off, but I encountered the same beliefs from a few of my exes (who I never slept with, thank god), and an ex-therapist of mine recently (a few years recently). It hurt my feelings a lot and I also felt like it sacrificed my sexual health, that I can't get it back now. I felt a bit better after joining EC and seeing this view as the minority here now, but It's like I still can't be completely reassured. I think part of me would rather die sexually inexperienced than put my heart at risk when so many people would not consider me a "real" partner because of my lack of male anatomy.
