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Trying to sort things out...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by TheStormInside, Apr 26, 2014.

  1. TheStormInside

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    So I'm new here.. and I'm posting because I'm going through a rough time trying to determine where I "fit," trying to find a way to make things feel more concrete, and learn how to accept it.

    I may be older than some here trying to determine their sexuality, I'm a 30 year old female. For a long time in my life I have felt less "sexual" than most, to the point where I considered I may be asexual for a period of time. I have only had one relationship at age 27, with a man I was friends with for years, and very much in love with, before we got together romantically. Things ended badly for various reasons, mostly due to mental health issues we both share. During the course of the relationship I often found myself uncomfortable with the physical aspects of things, at times I enjoyed them but other times I was bored or overwhelmed and nervous. It's been hard for me to suss out how much of that was a lack of sexual feelings and how much was due to my anxiety, social, and depressive disorders.

    Fast forward to now, I have been single for a few years again, and it feels like lately a small crush on a guy has started to "awaken" sexual feelings in me in general, though not specifically towards him. Since ending the relationship with my friend I've been improving in a lot of my mental health issues (though still struggling at times), but I feel that this has probably also been a major factor in me developing more of a sexuality. I'm aware that depression can cause low sex drive, and I'm sure social anxiety doesn't help, either. I no longer would consider myself asexual, but I do feel like I have a lower than average sex drive, whether due to biology or depression, who knows.

    Anyway, the most confusing aspect for me has been that I have in the past found myself crushing on both men and women. I have developed romantic feelings toward both genders, though the sexual attraction was not always present or something I noticed. I'm finding now that sexual attraction is starting to play a role in my life, however, and while I've questioned that I may be bisexual in the past I always pushed it under the rug, I'm starting to feel like I've reached a point in my life where I need to start acknowledging these feelings and attempting to sort them out if I want to develop a long term relationship and be happier in my life. It's been difficult, though, because sexual feelings at times for me can be few and far between, and it's hard to say what is me just not feeling particularly sexual and what is me simply not being attracted to a particular gender or type of person. Thinking back to the uncomfortableness with my ex boyfriend in the sexual arena, part of me also worries that I could be completely gay. Another part of me worries that if I come out as bisexual or lesbian I'll realize I was mistaken and while I have feelings for women at times it's not enough to want an intimate relationship with one. I swing back and forth a lot in my mind, though now I am most feeling that it's likely I am bisexual, and straddling that line and attempting to determine that are sort of terrifying to me right now. I have no problem with gay or bisexual people, I've known and been friends with several, but the idea of really dealing with this in my life is (hopefully understandingly) quite scary.

    I'm sorry that was so long, but I hope that some of you will take the time to read, as I would like to hear some feedback and if anyone feels similarly or has similar stories.
     
  2. BeTrue

    BeTrue Guest

    Sexuality and dealing with it has always been a complex issue. It appears to me from reading what you have written that you need to spend some time figuring out who you are, the type of woman you are becoming and your role in life because we all have one to play. When we as a people invite persons in for intimate relationships whether that be a male or female and we are skeptical of our own sexuality it can generate the kinds of problems and challenges that you are now facing. Spend sometime getting to know you from your needs to your want to desires and when you have done that, then you will be able to handle your sexuality and the role it will play in your future relationships. Feel free to message me, hope this has help you somewhat.
     
  3. TheStormInside

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    Thanks, BeTrue, I appreciate your response. What you say makes sense, but forgive me if this is naive or obtuse... do you have any suggestions on steps I can take, or things I can do to help in determining my needs/desires? Or do you mean this more as a soul-searching, internal type of journey?
     
  4. TheStormInside

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    If anyone else has more insight or advice, that would be greatly appreciated, as well..