Hi everyone. I'm a 24 yr old woman who is married and has one child with my husband. I have known I am attracted to men and women for many years, but because my family was so homophobic, I was not free to explore these feelings with women until the last couple of years. In that time, I talked to girls online, even arranged my first date with a girl ever-she stood me up, so I never even had that first date with a girl. So then, that same year that I was finally free to explore my bisexuality without fear of my family's wrath, I met my husband. We fell head over heels in love within a week. I had been heartbroken by men in my life, but he was different. He is an AMAZING human being. He always tells me how beautiful I am, and when I complain about my weight or my hair, he tells me how in his eyes, I am perfect. We were married last year, a year after we had met. I was now pregnant. Our son was born late last year, and we love him more than words can express. I have a perfect life. I am more than lucky, I am EXTREMELY lucky. I know this. And that makes me feel even guiltier when I say this...That I am longing, absolutely longing, to feel a woman's touch. My husband has never been able to make me...you know. And I have really come to resent him (unfairly, I know) for the fact that our sex life is GREAT for him, but I never get the same pleasure. He has brought me close from time to time, but nothing HAPPENS, and I am left with all of that sexual tension and no way to release it, while he is sitting there feeling wonderfully satisfied... :/ The last time someone other than ME gave me an orgasm was Jan 3rd, 2011. It was a random hookup with this much older guy, and I regret it-yet that was the last time a man made me c**. When my husband (or any man before him) is/was inside me, I swear to god I can't hardly feel it. I feel the pressure, when he goes inside...and the friction feels really good, but only for about three seconds, then nothing again. I just feel so sexually unfulfilled. I feel like I'm going crazy. I love him more than any person in the world, him and my son. I could never ever hurt him. I feel selfish and hate myself. I'm sorry but that is the truth; I'm crying as I write this because I feel so ashamed of myself. We have a brand new little baby, a sweet new family, and I am sitting here complaining about how I am wanting to be with a woman. I have never been so tormented in my life, and let me tell you, I have gone through some hard times. But nothing had been this hard. I almost never want to have sex with my husband. I feel so terrible saying that. And when I do want it, and we start, after about a minute I just want it to be over with. So I fake it, make him c**, and then it's done. Nearly all of the times I have sex with him, it is because I don't want him to feel neglected, or worse, I can't stand the thought that he would go out and have an affair if I'm not giving him sex. I have major trust issues. Maybe it's because I had such a horrible father and mother growing up, or maybe it's because in my heart, Im not trustworthy myself. That is so sad to admit; what if I have trust issues with my husband, who is a wonderful man and has never given me reason to think he would cheat? Maybe it's because I am worried that I WILL at some point...with a woman. :'( I have no desire to be with another man. I have been sexually more attracted to women for a long time, but because of my over bearing, homophobic family, I was not able to act on any of those feelings until the year I ended up meeting and falling in love with my husband. I never even had the chance to know what it was like to even KISS a girl, and I am dying inside with lust, guilt, heartache, self-hatred, and frustration. When my husband touches me, I rarely feel turned on by it. His kisses, just little pecks even, are always "wet," and it grosses me out...I have to turn away and wipe my mouth because of all the spit...He doesn't take care of his teeth. He would go for days without brushing then, until I finally hinted enough that he needed to take better care of his teeth ( his breath smelled like garbage; I felt sick when he kissed me), and now that he does brush his teeth, it's maybe once a day. Which is better than one a week, I guess, but come ON!... My husband isn't interested at all in the prospect of me with another girl in a sexual way. If only he would go out with me to a bar or club, and meet a girl with me; I would NEVER cheat on him, go behind his back--I would say he could be there the whole time, during everything, because he is my husband, I love him, and I don't want to hide anything from him. I don't want a "3 way," though, because I have low self esteem...body issues, and seeing him getting pleasure from another woman would make me feel worthless. And just before you call me a hypocrite, please realize that he HAS a woman who sleeps with him. He is straight; he doesn't have any sexual needs that I, as a woman, cannot fulfill for him. But then imagine me, who is SO SO SO physically attracted to women, yet having to cut off an entire half of who I am, having to CONSTANTLY FIGHT AND CONSTANTLY REPRESS my sexual needs! Why does he get to be satisfied, and I am left in agony??! I hate the fact that I am who I am. I just want to be happy! I am so miserable and I don't know if I can take it much longer. That's why I joined this site, for LGBT friends and advice from people who know where I'm coming from, maybe not my exact situation, but from a same-sex attraction perspective that we have. If you have read all of this...I thank you, sincerely. I hope i can get some help...Please don't feel obligated to call me names or put me down, because believe me, I'm way ahead of you in that regard. I can't think of one thing I like about myself right now, so there is no need to call me names... I feel damaged, alone, and scared. Who am I? I don't know anymore. I am so lost and alone... :'(
Oh wow this sounds so terrible Gosh well it sounds like you're an amazing wife and you love your husband very very much, you're just having issues with sexual attraction but it seems like your romantic attraction is alright, yes? Most woman usually can't only orgasm from vaginal penetration, and need clitoral stimulation also in order to reach the big "O." I would maybe try introducing the idea of sex toys in the bedroom? Maybe having a good vibrator stimulating your clitoris and him inside you will help bring you to an orgasm. There are so many wonderful and different kind of sex toys, so if you're open to it try searching some up. Maybe spice things up? Another thing, it may be time to stop lying to him about you orgasming. He's probably been turning a blind eye to your pleasure because he thinks he has it under control by your fake moaning. Even though telling him may hurt his self esteem, it may also make him more aware and open to your needs in the bedroom. Maybe seeing a marriage counselor or sex therapist will help you two. I think the not brushing teeth thing is also so gross oh lord. I think best thing to do right now is try to work on the sexual aspect of your marriage for at least the sake of your baby and if things don't get better then begin questioning if it's because of your sexuality.
Thank you so much! I know I shouldn't lie to him about not c*****...but I feel so terrible for lying to him all this time about it! I guess the truth needs to be heard, even if it's difficult for him to hear. Even if we get our sexual mojo going, though, my attraction to women will be unaffected by that... Because it's always going to be there. Even if he was able to make me c** a million times a week, I'm still going to be missing half of who I am. I have thought about seeing a therapist who specializes in caring for LGBT patients, asking them what I can do to make this feeling less intense. Thank you for your response, I appreciate it a lot, you have no idea (*hug*)
Now, I'm certainly no expert, but it's clear that this relationship is unlikely to work out for you. That's not to say you're required to leave it - if you'd rather not, that's fine, and I understand completely. But if you aren't able to be sexually fulfilled with your current partner, at some point, you'll have to tell him. Whether you want to discuss having a sexual relation with another woman is, again, your choice; the same goes double for romantic, but considering that's bordering on polyamority... Yeah. You probably don't want to go there. Either way, it's unlikely he'll be happy with the news, but if you remain closeted and sexually unsatisfied for several more years, you'll likely become apathetic and depressed. Does he know you identify as bi? If not, well... Things could go badly from here on in. Good luck, whatever happens!
I can actually relate to you a lot. When I started liking girls and uncovered that part of my sexuality I feel like there's no way I can ever deny it or try to make it go away or forget about it. It's there and I know that if I personally was to marry a man, no matter how much I'm into him, I'd probably begin to miss and crave for the love and attention of woman later on. But it seems with your situation you didn't really have much choice with experimenting and now you're obviously in this marriage that I'm sure you want to work out. I think the best thing to do is see an LGBT therapist. He or she can help you get to the bottom of how you're feeling. Perhaps you craving for woman is being even more amplified right now because your unsatisfied sexually and you're feeling regretful for not trying things out with the same sex. I think getting professional help is a whole lot better than listening to some strangers on this forum because although this forum can be helpful not all of us on here are skilled with problem solving or putting ourselves in other's shoes as we all come from different walks of life. The good news is your bisexual meaning you can like both sexes and it's just a matter of feeling safe and secure with the man/gender/sex you've choose to spend the rest of your life with.
Thank you all for your advice! (*hug*) I am going to Google some local LGBT therapists right now... ---------- Post added 27th Apr 2014 at 11:09 PM ---------- And yes, he does know that I identify as bisexual.
