I identify myself as lesbian or bisexual with a very strong preference for girls. There's no doubt that I love girls/woman and want to be in a same sex marriage one day and start a family with a woman and just the idea of being with a girl makes me so ridiculously happy. I've been having a lot of OCD thoughts concerning my sexuality lately. It's gotten so bad I figure I have to see a therapist soon to tackle the problems, I'm afraid of "turning straight" even though I don't really have any desire to be with any guys, sexually or romantically. If you told me to choose between the dreamiest woman of my dreams and the dreamiest man I'd pick the woman so fast you wouldn't have time to even blink your eyes. I've tried looking at pictures of "attractive men" and feel nothing for them. If you show me a picture of for example Leonardo Dicaprio I won't fangirl and talk about how I'd die to kiss him and be with him, I'd be like" He'd make an awesome pal." Anyway yeah so part of OCD is having compulsions. Sometimes I guess I'll try to test myself on how gay I really am like the whole looking at guys pictures online thing. Sometimes I'll look up straight porn and tell myself that if I don't feel anything then I'm good to go. Bad idea. Last night I did it again and it was without a doubt terrible. I got these uncontrollably terrifying tingles in my lady parts and it felt wrong as heck. During the porn I even started panicking and asking myself to please stop because I really don't want to be straight, not even bisexual. I did not enjoy the feelings but my OCD is trying to equate them to "arousal feelings." I can't remember the last time I was properly aroused by I wasn't scared when it was happening or sad. I tried watching some lesbian porn and couldn't get that feeling and I got really pissed at myself. I'm sexually fantasizing about woman all the time though I guess my libido has been super down lately I still see myself only sexually pleased with woman. Even after watching the porn I wasn't interested in guys. Then I looked online and saw this symptom common in OCD sufferers who question their sexualities called "groinal response." Does anyone else have this? What does it feel like for you?
I'm a male and i have the same thing as you, HOCD (Homosexual/Heterosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), in your case it's Hetero since you're lesbian. I understand every standpoint, every detail you mentioned there. It's like you're damn (excuse me) sure of what 'sexuality' you are but yet, it's like all of a sudden, something took place and you're confused. Start testing, get a little paranoid, it's all there i get it. We can sort this out and begin to understand this better if you would like to? I've been battling well on for a year now, it's a stubborn bastard at that, but i feel that forming something of a support for each other will be a great way to tackle it. I'm very willing to help you if you are willing.
It's really funny that I'm having these intrusive heterosexual thoughts that you want to have, and you're having the intrusive homosexual thoughts that I want to have, I just find that a bit amusing. Anyway, yeah I've been having these hocd problems on and off. I was having some a few months ago when I was in a relationship (long distance) with another girl and started worrying that maybe I was secretly straight and wouldn't feel any arousal or love for her when we actually meet which is stupid because when she broke up with me I cried and missed her for days and I'm sure if I never really liked her I wouldn't have had such a reaction as that. So you can see HOCD is like a really annoying uncle that comes into your house and says he's going to look for work soon and leave but he doesn't and keeps coming back. Anyway recently the feelings came back and now in full force I find this is taking over my life almost. I'll go hours worrying about being straight or something and I know the thoughts are intrusive and unpleasurable but they keep on barging into my mind and I can't loose them. It's come to the point where I'll avoid watching certain TV programs because it features a heterosexual relationship and it bugs me. Anyway good to meet another person going through similar, it's always nice to have back up and be reassured that you're not crazy or alone on this.
Trust me, it is, i needed something new to hit me, surely wasn't what i expected. Oh yea it's on and off, it's something i like to call "Capital A" and "I.A" Which stands for "Active" and "Inactive" for HOCD. There's formulaic step i created, to really understanding HOCD because for me, all it took was a dear former teacher of mines to tell me how she noticed a change in me to get to the bottom of things. That first step would be to backtrack from the earliest stage of your life when you felt 'normal' all the way up to when things didn't feel right, don't rush it, just process it because it might take a while. When you do tell me and we'll go from there. And of course to the ex-girlfriend thing, those are your feelings. I remember the girl i lost my virginity with, when i found out that after our first break-up that she had sex with an ex-friend of mines i called a brother, you WILL NOT believe how furious and full of rage i was. I mean, i was a bonafide hot head for a good week! no way i would gave a care if wasn't straight (i wouldn't of have been with her in the first place). Most definitely, great comparison, i can tell you have a great sense of humor. It's a parasite, it feeds on you against your will. Usually, something triggers your HOCD thoughts. For me, i know that when I'm I.A., i'm completely normal, i just have normal worries like school, world issues, the human race as we speak (oh yeah, humanitarian here ). But when i'm Capital A, ha, it's like a malfunctioned Ferris Wheel with intense wind speeds. But in order to pinpoint that, we'll have to go through step 1 first, finding the root cause to the growth, as everything is indeed a development not just a magical *poof*. Awh man, that's something i never thought of, but we're going to tackle that in due time. It really is, it got stressful just of the fact that i really was going through all of this by myself. But i guess patience is virtue and here we are. You're not crazy, you are not alone, never.
I used to suffer from extremely bad groinal responses as well. At first I thought it was attraction, then I started getting groinal responses around my cat and I knew something weird was going on.
Hi NicoletteChris I'm actually pretty glad to hear that someone else (lesbian) going through the same thing as I am. I have been going pretty much the whole thing except I have a gf who I love so much and I'm scared that because of this I'll lose my sex drive and interest in everything.
I was diagnosed with this type of ocd which obsesses about your orientation. For me the doubt and torment never ends. I grew up liking girls, masturbating purely about girls, crushing on them etc. Since age 25 I've been in absolute torment about this. The groinal responses started literally overnight. I never had them as a teen or up until I started freaking out and panicking I might be gay. Since then I have gotten groinal responses/feelings of unwanted arousal to guys non stop. It's horrible and feels like your own body is raping you. When I get a groinal response its terrifying at worst and extremely disturbing at best which then leads to obsesssing and freaking out again. It feels like I am aroused by men even though I have no desire or yearning to be with a guy at all. The more scared I am the worse the groinals are. I too have checked to gay thoughts versus gay thoughts, gay porn v straight porn, pics of girls v guys etc.. What happened was for the first 5 years this was a reassurance I was straight but then if you keep doing it it switches on you and you can only get the feeling to the thing you dont want to. I still dont know if I truly have ocd or this is a sexuality crisis. I have spoken to experts and feel no better. I never actually believe the answer this is just ocd. If someone then says Im gay like some people on here have I freak out in a panic. Its very confusing for me and Ive had this 7.5yrs. Im 32 now. Clues that I have ocd is that I have always had an obsession or fear them of something during my teens and adulthood. age 9 I had a fear I would get an appendicitis and was scared I would need an operation age 14 I feared I had breast cancer (im a guy) I had various little fears during my teens like this. If I heard about a disease I would then fear getting it and ask for reassurance from the doctor or parent. When I started hooking up with girls I was terrified of STD's. Age 20 I couldnt get it up first time attempting sex with a girl. Feared I then contracted aids and was in torment for 4 months until I got a test done-which was negative. Age 21 I fingered a girl and some blood was on my finger and I totally freaked out thinkignI would get aids. Rang my friend to ask him would I get aids etc. Age 21. Another failed attempt at sex and more fear that I contracted aids from her. Age 22-25 Fear I had Multiple Sclerosis or ALS and went for 2 brain scans. Age 29 I got a blowjob off a girl and freaked out I could get aids again. Age 25-now fear that I am gay. All these fears resulted in me constantly worrying and questioning my parents if they thought I had cancer, MS, being gay etc.. I would go to doctors, shrinks etc and still their opinion didnt reassure me. With the doctors I feared they were missing the symptoms of cancer, and with the ocd therapist/sex therapist I feared they are misssing the signs I'm gay and misdiagnosing me ocd instead of being gay. But being gay would cause me to be ultra depressed if its true. All my life loving seeing nice girls, likijg their attention and loving flirting with them would never happen again and I would have to sleep with men to get off which saddens me beyond belief. You will still see me post here int he future. When I am freaking out or really worrying about being gay I end up posting questions on here and on ocd boards. I am told this is a compulsion but I tell myself I need to know the truth etc.. Its a horrible vicious cycle of misery. P.S, My groinal responses today were triggered by looking at a box of mens underwear (with no pics of men on it), a cartoon with a male charcter in it, seeing a guy in a shop who looked at me and I thought he was gay. In the past I have gotten groinal responses around 80year old men and I thought I fancied them.
