I just don't want to live anymore...

I am so really sorry to hear you feel like this!
I have absolutely no idea what to say, since i haven`t really been in this situation myself.
I do not judge you at all for how you are feeling, or what you are doing.
But please don`t do anything drasticly! Please do not go as far as to kill yourself.
Things may seem bad now, but don`t give up because of that! It is nothing you can regret later, and i really hope you find a solution to all this and feel better. I`ve got a friend who gave me that advice herself, she has gone trough a lot of depression and been suicudal, but she got over it and it all went away eventually. She is really happy today that she didn`t give up on herself and went trough it all. Just a little advice she gave me when i was deep down. I hope someone else here can give you some better advice and help than i can provide.

 

You need to find a person you can totally rely on. I was a cutter, I tried to kill myself, I didn't eat and did a lot of stuff like that. Then I found this amazing girl (actually, she found me) on internet and she makes me feel better. I'm not even cutting anymore even though I did it for five years until I met her. It's not like I don't want to cut anymore, I just don't because of her. The same thing with eating - she made me to understand I'm not fat and I have to eat.

If you'd find someone like that for you, I think, he/she could help you to deal with all your emotion.

 

I'm so, so sorry you have to live like this. (*hug*)

I honestly don't think self-harm is going to help you get through it. Like you said, you have to go through all the trouble of hiding it, but it's not going to do much for you in the long run. I don't know what you get from it, because I've never been in your shoes, but it seems to me like you're only going to get external pain in addition to the pain you feel inside.

Perhaps you should consider seeking professional help? Keep in mind that just because your parents aren't necessarily supportive, that doesn't mean that everyone around you is going to be the same way. Even if it's not recommended, you should find someone that you can at least talk to and get these feelings off your chest, whether it's a family member, a therapist, or an EC member.

And I think that you should tie up all loose ends with your bf. If he's a kind person that truly loves you and cares about you, then you should tell him what you're going through and he won't judge you; if anything he'll be nothing but supportive. It's better to lay everything out for him than keep to yourself about it. If you do choose to do so, remind him that you do love him and that you feel upset that you can't love him the way he should be, which may help him realize that you're in a difficult situation and that you are genuinely going through a tough time.

I hope this helps, and please, whatever you do, don't entertain the though of ending your life. The strongest people are the ones who can overcome their challenges. (*hug*)

 

If you are this depressed, cutting, and think you may have bipolar disorder, you should really seek professional help. Try to talk to your mom about seeing a therapist, or get her to take you to your regular doctor and maybe they can refer you if your mother won't. You could even try your school's counselor if you can't do anything else, though they may not be as qualified they could probably help you find someone who is. A therapist will also hopefully be able to help you sort through your feelings about your sexuality. If you are literally at the point where you might seriously hurt yourself, you might want to consider calling a suicide hotline, as well.

Like Notsoshure said, sometimes things can feel very bleak and hopeless, but once you work through your depression you'll find things are a lot clearer and lighter. You don't have to suffer forever, though that may be hard to see right now, you can recover. I've been through depressive periods in my life, as well, and there were times where I felt as you did, but I'm very glad that I never acted on them because things always ended up improving in the long run. Please try to remember that.

 

Hey, please don't give up. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. As for being lesbian, you know, you really can't help your desires, and you shouldn't be ashamed of it. People who can't accept it are the ones that need to change their views. I know some of your feelings right now, because my dad had just yelled at me for just wanting to stand up for the LGBTQ community, I know he would be even more angry if he found out that I am bi... I struggle with suicidal thoughts and I have cut before, but trust me, you shouldn't do any of those things and should try to get help, because you deserve to be happy! If you ever need someone to talk to, please talk to me!! I'm here(*hug*)

 

You have a lot of people giving you support and I would like to add myself to that list. If you need someone to talk to just message me. Just don't give up. People are willing to help. :-D

 

Aw, MLW. (*hug*) Actually, you DO have the courage within you to end it. I know how scary it is, believe me I really do. When I finally left my wife, it was at least 6-7 months after I should have. And I would have, except the finality of it terrified me. In fact, it still terrifies me thinking about, even a whole year later. Hasn't fully sunk in. It's true I've spent a lot of that year in about the lowest rut imaginable, replete with countless numbers of suicide scenarios that I played out in my head.

But you know what? I'm still alive. And, by the grace of God, he led me to a resource (EC) where I'm experienced more loving support than anywhere else during all of my most despairing times. Although the bad feelings and thoughts are never too far away, I think I'm over a hump in that they no longer overwhelm my life's course anymore. At the very least, when I am feeling at my bleakest, I can come here and there are always friends and their experiences to reassure me.

That said, there are also "real-world" options. I've been unlucky in this regard--stints with two different therapists didn't go the greatest and I know my family would never be supportive if I came out to them. Still, many others have had positive experiences with those and similar sources. Is there someone in your private life you can talk to (friend or family member), or perhaps a LGBTQ organization in your country where you might find support? Do you have healthcare that would enable you to seek out a good therapist? Please don't think you are alone, because at the very least, we are here for you.

(*hug*)

 

It's horrible to see people so depressed... makes me want to become an ultimate power to bring happiness to everyone. I think you need to take measures and embrace it, and just tell that guy everything, and help him if it turns out badly. He will be free of the futile thought of loving you sooner, as well as you not having to be afraid anymore. But yes, look for anyone who you think can help you get through this. There's no reason to hate yourself, you're not punching people in the face, or robbing them, or killing people, you just want to be with a girl. Is that really such a bad thing if you think about how evil humans can be? I don't think so. Don't give up because I know at the end there's someone waiting for you, who won't mind this or that.

 

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and wish I could be there to help you (hugs). I grew up with family and friends who didn't approve of my real self. Please seek professional counselling you can trust. You don't want to live like I did hiding all the time not knowing who you can trust. Please go talk to someone you can trust. We all need someone we can confide in. Otherwise we will resort in harmful and humiliating activities. I didn't cut myself but my low self esteem put me in places I don't ever want to go back to. I needed someone I could trust who wouldn't judge who I really am.
Please talk to someone you trust about this. I feel better when I can talk about my problems to someone I trust. Please let us know how you are doing. (*hug*)

 

I was in your situation. I got through it. Please read a thread called "lesbian who fell in love with a man". Hopefully it will give you some insight and maybe some courage. Please, read it....

 

It sounds like you need to find a better therapist, that one sounds useless. Can you try to see someone else? I'm not sure where you live, but in the US psychologists and psychiatrists are different in that psychologists tend to help patients more by talking through problems and giving feedback and coping mechanisms to the patient, whereas psychiatrists are licensed to prescribe medications and tend to focus more on that. It seems like you need to see a psychologist who can help you work through your feelings on your sexuality as well as the emotional problems you are dealing with. If they also feel you may have Bipolar they could recommend medication and refer you to someone else who can prescribe it. Bipolar is chemical and medication would probably benefit you if you do indeed have it, but you need to be properly assessed first. And it seems like more than medication, you really need someone you can talk to that you can trust..

 

Hi, MyLittleWorld. I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time accepting your sexuality. I know it's not easy because I've been in your shoes before. When I first came out everything was fine, I even started dating my first girlfriend. However, after she and I broke up, I got scared and decided to hide in the closet. I just could NOT accept the fact that I liked girls even though my family and friends were supportive. So, I started dating this guy (who's now the father of my children) on and off for many years.

Before I had kids, I used to self harm as well. I also used to drink, party and smoke to escape from reality and because I did not want to deal with being gay/bisexual. But I knew that I needed help because things were getting out of control, so I sought help from a wonderful doctor. I mean, he was absolutely amazing! He eventually diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and it made a lot of sense because I was also dealing with depression, severe anger issues, angry outbursts and mixed emotions quite often. However, I never told him that I was struggling with my sexuality, but I should have.

I think what you need to do is find just one person who you can pour your heart out to. I know it's not easy, but I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore. Being gay/bisexual is scary but it's also amazing! I love women more than men (always have) and I've finally come to terms with it, although it took a really long time to do so. So, please hang in there, and try to take things one day at a time.

Last, but not least...when I was struggling with self acceptance, I decided to get this tattoo that says, "Love Each Day"...and that's exactly what I've been doing. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed and I've always hated the idea of living life with regrets. I don't regret anything because I love my life, but I would not be who I am today without having gone through hell and back. My struggle with my sexuality has really defined me as a person and that's okay for me because it's given me the courage to stand up for people who may not able have to stand up for themselves. Just don't forget that you have so much to life for (*hug*)

 

Firstly, there's no reason you can't go and talk to your school psychologist and only tell her the things you feel comfortable talking about. Her job, remember, is to help you in whatever way she can and whatever way you want her to.

So if you want to, you can say to her 'I'm having a really hard time with some things, I think I might have depression or even be bipolar. I'd really like to talk to someone about everything but there are also things that I don't feel comfortable talking about with you just yet.'

You might find that talking to her about what's going on with you in general will help you to build trust in her, and eventually you will feel comfortable enough to share more with her.

Secondly, if she's a proper psychologist I'm sure it's the case that she won't tell your parents anything that you don't want her to. But again if you're not confident about this, ask her.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I've had some very low moments in my life too. It's important to remember that the world is full of people who went through very bad times that seemed so hopeless, but who are now happy and comfortable in their skins and fulfilled.

Hopelessness and despair are tricks being played on you by a brain which was designed for surviving ice ages and running away from sabre-tooth tigers, and often isn't very good at coping with life in the modern world. It might send a lot of negative thoughts your way, but you don't have to accept them if you don't want to.

Lastly (I'm rambling on a bit here, sorry!), a life is a very, very long time. However certain you might feel about something now, remember that you only know a fraction of the things you're going to learn over the course of your life. In just a few years you will have done and seen so much more, care about such different things, be such a different person. Change is inevitable, so if things are bad now, I promise you they will definitely get better, and sooner than you think.

(*hug*)

 

At least give this new one a chance, as he/she may be completely different to the previous one. As I said to you before, things can change in an instant for the better, and getting through this will make you a stronger person.