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Demisexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by CuriousArticles, Apr 28, 2014.

  1. CuriousArticles

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    So I've been searching on here a bit and have started to think I might be demisexual...maybe...although I have no idea about anything else. I don't know how you can tell who you like when you don't like anyone until you are close to them, which ironically is something I apparently struggle with. I know that I can only figure that out myself and with time, so I'm not looking for advice so much.

    More is there anyone out there who identifies as demisexual? I was hoping you could share any stories on how you figured out if you were gay/straight/bi/pan or whatever? Was it obvious for you, or did it take time?
     
  2. rainmustfall

    rainmustfall Guest

    I am demisexual. It took me a long time to come to terms with that. It makes dating or finding a romantic partner really difficult, and since I have to form a bond first, I have to be kind of mindful of communicating clearly with my friends. It's frustrating not to be able to casually date, but I have come to accept my lot.

    I have known I was romantically attracted to women a long time, but it was only recently I knew for sure I was sexually attracted. I kind of thought I was asexual before that to be honest. It took me completely by surprise. I don't really form close bonds with guys, so that is how I figured out I was a lesbian. It took me a while because I had to deal with my gender issues first.
     
  3. Hi!! I am demisexual with women, but not with men (yes, it's possible).

    Anyways, I, although am kind of still in the questioning phase, I am pretty sure of my sexuality now.

    The thing that made me sure about my demisexuality with women was in I looked in the past and noticed all the extreme romantic attraction I had towards a few women that I had definitely did have a bond with - However, when I would try to just look at a random woman, I couldn't get any feeling. And I was wondering - What about all those other times though that I fell for those women?

    It was definitely confusing, until I stumble upon the word demisexual and it sure does describe me with women. I need a bond with them in order to feel emotion and romantic attraction. And even with guys who are cute and I get "feels" for, it only lasts like for two minutes, and I still need some sort of connection with them for me to be head over heals with them - And let me tell you, my connection with and love for the two women I fell for was definitely more like falling in deep love than many of the little feels I get with guys.

    So, yep, that's how I know!! I haven't been in love with many women (or even men at that) lately since I've been in online school for two and half years now and I basically know not one person outside of online friends and my parents.

    If you need anymore help, please, let me know!! :slight_smile:
     
  4. Fallingdown7

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    I realized I was under that category when I only felt sexually attracted to one of my girlfriends that I knew for two years. I have to know someone for years until I feel that bond.
     
  5. EleanorHunter

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    I consider myself to be pretty demisexual. I've been told before that it's a good thing and really healthy for someone my age. However, some days it feels more like a curse.

    It affected how long it took me to realize my sexuality as well. I never really had a wandering eye, and was very attracted to whomever I was dating or crushing on. Out of all the people I've dated, I've had at least a basic level of friendship with them before I started dating them. The most I could really do was admire other people, I'm still like that to this day. Suppose I spot an attractive stranger. Most people would be attracted to them, while all I can say is "Good sir, it appears you were graced with some fine genetics. Good for you. Looks nice." But it's not quite attraction, more an appreciation. I figured that since I was only attracted to the people I was dating, all of whom were boys, that I was straight.

    I didn't fully realize I was bi until I developed feelings for a pretty girl in my math class. I talked to her almost every day, and there was just something about her that made my heart flutter. She was popular, and everyone around her knew it. Yet she still enjoyed talking to me, something that I wasn't used to. We were almost going to go skiing together since we happened to be in the same area up north, but it didn't work out. Everyday after class, I would be so happy when she talked to me, but never understood why. I realized that this was a crush, and then everything just kinda escalated from there.
     
  6. CuriousArticles

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    Thanks for all the stories guys. I can relate to a few of these feelings, although I'm still not sure exactly where I stand. I never had crushes at school, and still don't really get them. I think I've trained myself to look for attractive men, as that was what I was "supposed" to do, so now I find myself picking them out, but I don't really feel attraction, I don't think. The only celebrities I find sort of attractive are characters, not actors/actresses. Makes it difficult to see who I actually like! And dating has been hugely unsuccessful for me - I'm just not interested at all.

    Does anyone find they need a bond to feel romantic attraction? or just sexual?

    How do you go about approaching relationships? Does anyone have the problem of falling for friends? Because it's the only way I see it happening. But then, I'd be worried about ruining friendships. Does anyone else feel this way?
     
  7. Chip

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    Just as an alternative viewpoint: Before you label yourself as demisexual, you should also consider the possibility that there are a lot of other conditions (depression, low self esteem, anxiety, etc) that can hinder your natural attraction toward other individuals. While the demisexual label has become "in vogue" in recent years, and I'm sure that there are people who genuinely have the patterns described by that label, there's little-to-no empirical support for it as an actual sexual orientation.

    In other words, often (but not always) those who don't feel attraction to others either at all, or until they get to know them, are feeling that way because of other underlying issues that, once addressed, completely change what attraction looks and feels like.

    I'd advise you that before you adopt that label and simply decide it's who you are and unchangeable, that you spend some time looking at yourself to determine if there are some of the related psychological issues and, if so, spend some time working on those. You may find that normal, healthy attraction and appeal to others begins to return if you have those issues and address them.

    The other issue with demisexuality is that the description falls within the realm of normal behavior for many people; there are quite a few people out there who don't feel strong attraction to someone until they've had a chance to get to know them first. There are many who meet someone, don't feel anything for them, and as they get to know them, realize they have a deep sense of caring and connection that transcends friendship. That's normal behavior for many people and doesn't require any unconventional label.

    So simply putting yourself into social settings where you can meet, interact, and spend time with people can be a good way to start. Volunteering in a way where you'll regularly run into the same other volunteers, for example. Joining a book or hiking club. Anything that puts you around others is a good place to start.
     
  8. CuriousArticles

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    I'm a very active volunteer within 2 organisations, and was hugely involved at university - I was on the committee for the Musical Theatre society. I haven't found it any use when it comes to meeting people, unfortunately, but I am a very shy and introverted person and it takes many years for me to make friends, let alone relationships.

    I always described myself as someone who needs to know someone before getting a crush...or similar, and that was before discovering the term - in fact the 2 people I've felt the most for I thought nothing of when I first met them.

    Saying this, in my case, I may not be what people are identifying as demisexual, as I am aware that I have issues forming bonds with people, which is a pain for understanding my orientation. I don't know why. Self esteem could be an issue when it comes to relationships, although in general mine is sky high, and recently I had enough attention in this area that you'd think it would improve rather than make me want to just make it go away every time. (I've wondered in the past if it's just because they're men...but who knows) Any suggestions for this would be welcome...

    However the idea of this thread was actually to find out how people go about romantic interaction when they don't immediately feel attraction etc, and also how they discovered their orientation while feeling this way.