When I was 13 I had a lesbian friend who was a few years older than me and we were facebook friends. I remember when I went through a time when I actually liked her as in when I made facebook posts and she commented on them or liked them or anytime we talked I remember feeling really pleased and happy that she was giving me attention. This was like three years ago but my memory sucks but I remember we started sexually chatting with each other on Facebook. Just posting on each other's facebook walls and suddenly it would become sexual. I never was disgusted or grossed out when we sexually chatted in fact I welcomed it and enjoyed and reveled in it. She also had a girlfriend who also had a facebook and knew about this but the funny thing was she didn't mind and would join in on the sexual chats with us. I think the main reason she didn't mind was because they lived in Canada and were practically engaged (both 18) and me all the way in California. I remember we even got to a point where the three of us made a private facebook club and would do sexual roleplay on there. I know gross because of the age difference but I was very young and horny and also stupid. Well anyway at the time I acknowledged I might be bisexual but then something happened to make me sort of repress it. I realized that the facebook convos we'd been having publicly were well...open for the public to see. I started worrying that my friends from school would see it and start a rumor I was a lesbian and I'd get bullied and boys wouldn't like me ( at the time I was into boys.) Also my mom found one of the convos which made me ashamed and I stopped chatting with both of them. I went through a sorta brief period in time when I was a bit homophobic. I remember one time my mom was going off about how being gay was a choice and I agreed with her but for all the wrong reasons because I thought since I'd made the "choice" to sexually chat with my two girl friends then others could make the "choice" to like girls too. Obviously wrong. I repressed the incident and went back to liking boys for a year and a half before 15 when I started liking another girl in school. I was just thinking to myself had I not been ashamed and continued seeking same sex attractions and experiences maybe I wouldn't have so much anxiety about my sexuality today. Does it sound like what I described above is repression?
I just wanted to add I really regret not having taken the time to explore and qestion myself more on my sexuality at that age instead I tried to put it behind me and move on
Hello!! I hope you are doing well, apart from your situation. I'd say yep, there has definitely been a lot of trying to be something you weren't because of society - But that isn't your fault and you are certainty not alone in this. The best thing to remember is that you can choose an ACTION, but not the feeling. It's similar to the way a gay person could kiss, date, have sex, and even marry a person of the opposite gender. Even while doing all of those things with the opposite sex, no matter how much they tried to choose to be straight, although they could do straight things, they could NOT actually have straight feelings. And really, this is no different then what you are going through. You may have chosen to start talking to girls in that way, but you did NOT choose the feelings you got. And also, don't regret anything, really, it is not your fault - Society is the one that puts the pressure on you to confirm to the "normal" standards, when you really don't have to. I would say to forget about the time you didn't explore, because again, not your fault, but rather to just take the time you have now and continue to find who you are. No matter who you will end out to be in the end, there will still be people who love and accept you, so please, don't repress anymore and just be yourself!! If you need more help, let me know!!
