Ugh. It seems as though the past month has been just a great deal of anxiety for me. I already know that I have OCD or more specifically obsessive compulsive thoughts. I've had OCD problems for a while now and in the past it's only concerned OCD about having health complications like the fear of getting sick or having cancer or sometimes I get OCD thoughts about my fear of throwing up. Point is once I start worrying, I can't stop. I went months not sleeping until 3 am because I was afraid of throwing up in the middle of the night, that's how bad it can get at times. Okay well moving on now I'm having obsessive thoughts about my sexuality. It's been maybe a year that I've admitted to myself that I do like the same sex but lately I've been having self doubts and anxiety. I know deep down in my heart that I truly love girls and that this is just my OCD screwing me over but I can't help but have such anxiety and fear. Before last year I guess I was in a way attracted to males romantically and sexually and now I'm just not at all since I came into terms that I like woman more. But I can't help but worry my butt off about the attractions for guys "coming back" or whatever. Would it feel wrong to me to be in a heterosexual relationship? Yes. Am I sexually attracted to men? No but I can appreciate the male body I'm just not fond of straight sex though I do like penetration by toys. Am I romantically okay with the idea of being with a guy? Nope. Do I like the aspects of a hetero relationship? Again no. It's awful because even though I feel confident and true with the answers to those questions I start obsessing about all sorts of mumbo jumbo like, " But what if I fall in love with a guy!" or I start psychoanalyzing myself and all my feelings for girls to see if they're "true" or not. I also give myself little "tests" to see how gay I actually am like I try to watch straight porn to see how aroused I am by it or I search up pictures of men to see if I'm attracted to it or not. I have intrusive thoughts about being heterosexual or men and I know they're intrusive because after having them I get a sick anxious feeling and a "spike" of panic hits me and if I was in denial or something of liking guys I'm sure I wouldn't be having these feelings. It's annoying and I am seeking professional help for it but I just want to feel secure in my sexuality again because when I first identified as gay I felt so awesome and happy and now I'm getting these crap feelings. I'm still fantasizing about being with woman and I can't even imagine being married to a man ever. I know this is OCD it's the same symptoms and everything it's just that this is a nasty OCD because it makes me doubt every feeling I have. Also I don't even think I'd feel okay identifying as bisexual or pan or queer or whatever it's just liking guys feels wrong to me and I don't want to, it's almost become a fear of mine. Sigh idk why I'm even asking this maybe looking for other people to tell me it's okay and it does sound like OCD. Do other gay people get these fears after coming to terms with being gay?
Well, yes. Not everyone comes to terms with their sexuality the same way, but generally, people do freak out about their sexuality. Falling in love with a man wouldn't make you less of a lesbian. It would just mean you couldn't bring yourself to sleep with him as you would with a woman because you're a LESBIAN. Any gay person can feel romantic attachments to the opposite gender and not necessarily stop being gay. Sleeping with a guy...well, let's just say that would imply you may have bi-romantic tendencies but no big deal. Plenty of lesbians will date non-gold star lesbians, too. It sounds like you have compulsive thoughts but you must believe you have the power to keep them under control.
Thanks for the help I'm 110% sure this is OCD. When the fear is gone I feel peace, happiness, content, and love for woman and that's what I feel rn versus when I'm obsessing about "liking guys" when I feel fear, anxiety, and disgust. Thaank you
Hello! I know I don't have OCD and you have it way worse, but I can kind of feel what you are going through. I can remember and even sometimes now I would be confident in who I am and then something comes along and then I start to take apart my sexuality all over again even though I'm like 90% sure at this point. It really is hard but it is good to remember that label isn't what counts - And like the previous responder said, you can always have like a little exception, but it wouldn't make you less of a lesbian or everything. With that said, I'm glad you are getting help and if you want to talk more, please do let me know!!
Thank you guys for the wise words but to be blunt I don't really have any feelings towards guys now, just fear and Ocd. As an example let's say that you're allergic to walnuts, you know that if you eat them you'll have serious health problems plus you hate the taste of walnuts. So yeah suddenly you start asking yourself silly questions all the time like, " What if I eat a walnutnow and like it even though I hate them?" " Maybe if the walnut looked like a peanut would I enjoy eating it?" " Am I really allergic to walnuts or did I force myself to be?" " When I looked at that walnut did I just feel hungry?" " Did I think that walnut looks yummy?" My point is you KNOW that you don't like a certain thing but you keep obsessing over the posibility of liking it even though it makes you sick and upset to think about it.
