I've been asking myself a lot of questions about my sexuality for quite a few years now,and I've never been able to find an answer,probably because (in my opinion) it's a really screwed up sexuality,so bare with me. All my life I have been sexually and emotionally attracted to women,I've never been attracted to men.But I have had,in my childhood, some sexual experiences (if you can call it like that) with other boys.I know such things are perfectly normal,it's the discovery of the body and what not,but in my case I realized it awoke something strange in me,it was like a desire to act as girl (dress as a girl,have girly manners,do girly things,etc..).But not in everyday life,only within a sexual context. However it wasn't always the case,in fact most of the time I had a "straight" sexuality...Although from time to time I liked to "play the girl" during masturbation,and I won't go into details here but I'm sure you can imagine all what this implies.Of course it made me very insecure about my sexuality from a young age,I never felt like I truly belonged within any sexual orientation.I wasn't totally straight,and yet I wasn't homo or bi either. As a teenager I discovered shemale porn,and was immediately hooked,which led me to question my sexuality a bit further,at times I would really think I was gay.But I kept being attracted to girls,not boys.And more importantly I've never felt aroused by gay or bi-sexual porn,It even kind of disgusted me (and I mean no offense here).Sure I liked transsexuals,but the thing is I always saw TS as women,it never actually crosses my mind when I watch them that they once were men,to me they're like biological women with penises.Plus in gay porn what puts me off isn't the male genitals,but rather the masculinity,which TS totally lack of.So I then started to question my own sexual desire for femininity,and this is where things get really messed up and is the reason why I'm so confused. I though maybe I was into shemale porn because I was projecting my own desires onto them,because I wanted to be like them,and in fact there is no denying that I have fantasized (and even experienced) a lot on just that.But it's always just a sexual pulsion,and once the deed is done I become the "straight" guy again.Like,I wouldn't be able to live my whole life as a woman.Also I like being a man,I like having sex with women too... Most of the time I'm into everything at the same time,women,TS and my own desires for femininity kind of mix up together (secretly) to form my sexual life.But there's also long periods in my life (like a few months at a time) where I'll be either always straight or always into TS or always into experiencing my feminine side. So yeah,I just really don't know what I am ,I don't know if it's a problem of denial on my part,or if it's because I just have a frickin weird sexuality like that,that likes to bounce here and there for no apparent reason. I doubt many of you have gone through the same kind of experiences,but if you have I'd really like to hear them out,maybe it could help me make myself a better idea.
I don't think you are weird. I think you like women and like thinking like a woman. That's not the same thing as wanting to be a woman nor does it not make you straight. Imitation helps you to immerse yourself into the female experience. I honestly don't see anything confusing about your situation and I'm a little confused as to why you are confused about it. I think it's wonder for a straight man to want to act like a girl. It's a great complement to the women they love.
Personally, i think you should quit the porn, or atleast limit masturbating and porn, to once a week or a couple weeks. i think its causing more problems then its solving. moving on, you mentioned 'denial' denial over liking the penis? denial, as in being socially conditioned to woman emotionally? denial, as in not being sexually in tune with mens masculinity yet? these are common, what do you think or womans vagina vs male dick? transexual, is a man who takes the character physical/emotional sides of a woman, usually still has a dick (pre-op)
its completely normal! its just all part of sexuality and sexual preference. everyone is different in their own way and no one should ever be ashamed or feel that they should HIDE their desires!
Denial about a lot of things.First I know for a fact that I am in denial about sometimes fantasizing to be a woman,which is probably quite normal because I have to be a man on a daily basis,so of course I have to deny it to a certain extent. Then I was thinking I might also be in denial about liking men.And what i'm about to explain here is kind of complicated and maybe you haven't noticed yet but English is a second language to me,so it makes it hard for me to describe more touchy things in great details.But here we go... What I don't like is to see two masculine person having sex together,it turns me off. However it doesn't bother me to see two persons with the male genitalia having sex together,as long as one of them is female in appearance. Going from there,since I have no problem with the penis,and I sometimes like to be a woman in a sexual context,I could possibly see myself having sex with a man,but as a woman.And that's what is troubling me,because when out of a sexual context I would never even think about it,it only happens during masturbation (including anal masturbation,I guess it might be important to specify) when I'm a "woman". The important point here is the "only during sex" part.That is what's making me think there might be denial...As if sexual needs momentarily break the barrier,without me fully realizing it. As far as Vagina vs. penis (and we're talking strictly genitals here,not gender) goes, I'd like to say I'm 50/50 between the two,but like I said in my first post, it fluctuates a lot.Sometimes I'll be more attracted by the vagina,sometimes more by the penis,sometimes by neither and be focusing only on my own experimentation of femininity...
Perhaps you are better suited for the gender identity subforum we have here. some will call me ignorant here, but i think most people over think there sexual gender, Just because you are a feminine guy or an overly feminine guy does not mean you were 'suppose to be' or are a womans mind in a mans body. You are holding yourself up to a stereotype, instead of being just you and i find that terrible mentally. you are what You Are. im not sure how much i can stress this. Most post opt transexuals i know and hear about Are Not Happy with the outcome and im a huge believer there surgery and mentality is simply anxiety and over thinking, second guessing who they are, its almost OCD like really, your mind has felt insecure to the idea, so you take that as a sign. that is not actually a sign, that is just your body desperate to make sense over the anxiety.
