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I'm panicking again

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ChromeNerd, May 3, 2014.

  1. ChromeNerd

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    I was talking to my mom about guys who want to date me and she mentioned that guy. The guy I thought that I was maybe attracted to.

    He was kind of cute and I was blushing and feeling nervous when I was talking to him. I wanted to forget about him.

    When my mom mentioned him I got a bit nervous and embarrassed. I really hope I'm not attracted to him. That would mean that I'm bisexual or straight and I don't want to be bisexual or straight.

    I just can't accept my attraction to girls if I also like guys. It just hurts. My "attraction" to this guy didn't feel like my attraction to girls. My attraction to girls never involoved blushing, it felt more pleasant, but I still feel the same embarrassment.

    I'm kind of scared that this means I'm straight because my feelings for this guy were stronger than my feelings for any girls. I don't want my feeling for girls to be a phase!
     
  2. NicoletteChris

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    You have more control than you *think* you do. Nobody is forcing you to be with that guy, nobody is holding a gun to your head saying " Hey since you have those feelings you HAVE
    to like or date or want this guy." It's up to you. Remember that most crushes start out as infatuation and most of the time it's easy to stop or get rid of it. Infatuation/crush feelings are usually just fickle or meaningless unless you let them develop further into love. When you're near this guy just think about all the things you really don't like about boys near him and maybe that will help to make you less into him. Imagine him possessing traits that you don't like.

    And hypothetically if you were bisexual, you could still choose to not go after him and choose a girl over him. I'm sure bi girls have turned down lots of boys for personal reasons and so can you. At the end of the day if a crush is causing you more anxiety and sadness than happiness then it's not worth it.
     
  3. defatigable

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    “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” Robyn Ochs
    Being attracted to different genders in different ways is within the definition of bisexuality and not being sure about things like that is fine. Being attracted to guys doesn't delegitimise your attraction to girls and vice versa. Your current feelings or attractions don't override your overall sexuality; your sexuality is about you, not your current relationship status.
    I don't know what to suggest in terms of not stressing out about this kind of thing, but it has been something that I've struggled with too and for me the best thing to do was to remind myself of the feelings I have had for women in the past and also of that quote. Even if from this point on I never have any feelings for another woman and/or only have feelings for men, I will still identify as and be bisexual, because my bisexuality is about me as a person outside of the circumstances I might be in, not whoever it is that I am with.
     
  4. CuriousArticles

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    It could be that you're attracted to him, but you're quite young, so although your feelings for girls might be a phase, couldn't your feelings for guys? Blushing could well just be a result of your embarrassment or discomfort as well as attraction - I blush pretty much constantly in all situations where I'm particularly uncomfortable.

    It might not be much consolation, but you really can't control what you feel, and suppressing it, even if you're scared of being straight, would make your really unhappy in the long run. My advice would be to try to relax and ride it out. In time you'll probably feel more comfortable with it, or grow out of it. Hormones are pretty crazy things.

    I do understand where you're coming from though, I feel this way about both men and women, which is a pretty big mindfuck. I don't want it to be a phase either, but am worried I've convinced myself I'm gay, or brainwashed myself to notice men, or both :S

    If you don't find your attraction to this guy pleasant, then it might not be right for you anyway. Maybe attraction to men will be more pleasant if you know the guy better or when you get used to it? Have you been attracted to many men? Or maybe it will just wear off, and is only surface attraction, and that's why it's different?

    I know it's hard, but try to relax about it. You're not alone :slight_smile: Why can you not accept your attraction to girls when you like guys? (That was a genuine question - not a demand! Don't want to sound rude!!) You can be bisexual with a preference for women and only date women if you wanted. (Now I feel hypocritical for asking as I'm in the same place...but everyone's experience is different!)

    Hope this helps a little.
     
  5. ChromeNerd

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    I enjoyed looking at him, but the other feelings I had about him weren't pleasant. I'm hoping my feelings towards him were just empathy or anxiety.

    I often feel other people's emotions and can't tell them apart from my own. I think this is why I'm confused. The only guys I've "liked" were guys that like me.

    When I feel attracted to girls it's way more pleasant, but less intense. I still occasionally blush and get anxious, but that only happens if I'm trying to hide my feelings or think about asking her out.

    I really don't want to be a bisexual that prefers women. That idea actually makes me sick to stomach. I'd rather just be gay. I'm way more comfortable with that.
     
  6. CuriousArticles

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    Oh I TOTALLY get this. I do this all the time :S It's like flattery to some extent I think. And it can be easy to mistake anxiety over attraction and speaking to someone you like, with anxiety over trying to go with something you don't because you think you do. (Sorry for the confusing sentence!!)

    If the only guys you've liked, were ones that liked you, you probably don't have feelings for them. Or at least, that's from my experience. There's nothing wrong with thinking someone is good looking. It doesn't mean you're attracted to them. What about the women?

    It's also possible your conflict over your sexuality has blown feelings out of proportion. Hence the strong feeling. As some others have said above, crushes can be pretty intense but meaningless unless you want to take them further. I'm pretty sure plenty of people get infatuated regardless of sexuality. You only have to do what you want to do, and date who you want to date :slight_smile:

    I say stay where you're comfortable for now :slight_smile: If it keeps happening, step back and think about what it is you're actually feeling. Deep breaths and think "Do I want to talk to this guy? Or am I just letting him make me feel appealing? Or do I just think he's good looking, rather than attractive? Could I imagine dating him etc?"

    If you start thinking yes to any of these, then you need to ask yourself why you're so afraid of the answer being yes. But that's a whole different kettle of fish. If that does become the case you'll need to address it, or your anxiety won't go anyway. I'd also suggest doing this with women, if you start getting "attracted-or-maybe-not" to men.

    But to be honest, from this particular experience, then answers will probably be no, and you'll gradually accept it and the anxiety will retreat. It may be a slow process, but it will come :slight_smile:
    And now for the cheesy one liner: Everything will be alright in the end, and if it's not alright, it's not the end.
    Sorry, had to do it :slight_smile: