This post will be long but I don't know how to word it in a more condensed form, because I just need to throw all this out there and get whatever advice you can give me =) So I am 26, and I had never even kissed anyone until a year ago, and that was a guy. I have always been really shy and would never have had the confidence to approach anyone, so when me and him became friends, I just let it, through his initiation, evolve into a relationship because I just wanted to know what being in one was like. I would have been open to a relationship with either gender, but he just came along first. But from the first kiss to the first time we had sex, and any sexual intimacy afterwards, things never really felt right for me. I expected to feel turned on, but I wasn't. In my head I was saying to myself "Whats wrong with you? Why aren't you enjoying this more?". I've been with him for over a year now and all along I was thinking the issue was me, my lack of self confidence, my low self esteem etc. But I am thinking now that maybe its more. I know I am not asexual because I still enjoy the things that people with sexual desires enjoy. I watch porn, I read erotic literature, I masturbate, and don't have a problem with any of that. What makes me think I might be lesbian is a few incidents in my life and where my thoughts, fantasies and eyes go on a day to day basis. When I say I've never kissed anyone before the age of 25 its not strictly true, I kissed a girl I was staying in a tent with when I was about 8 years old. We were essentially trying to imitate a sex scene we had seen on TV but I remember it was pretty exciting, but we had to cut it short because someone was outside the tent and we got scared. She lived in a different part of the country to me so I never got the opportunity to try that again, though I would have liked to. Growing up I was very shy so I never had many friends to "experiment" with. I know I never had a crush on any of the guys in school and the thought of going out with any of them seemed unappealing. I had one best friend, and I did admire her body. She was really skinny and I liked looking at her collar bones and the vertebrae at the back of her neck. One time she stayed with me at my aunt's and we would lay on the bed together watching TV. We played this game once where we would lie facing each other and we'd close our eyes and open them to see if we were looking at each other. Silly little game, but I remember I wanted to kiss her then. But I didn't even try because I was too shy. There also used to be a girl on the bus that I'd see when I was on my way to college. I liked her figure and I used to imagine what it would be like to see her naked or be in bed with her. I also used to and still do have dreams of having sex with women, not like every night but now and again. On the flip side of this, I never had many fantasies about men. So my dilemma is this. I'm still in a relationship with my boyfriend. I am scared to end it because what if I am wrong? He is good to me and I don't want to throw it all away if I find that I don't have the level of sexual attraction to women that I suspect I might have. I'm scared to even talk about anything I've mentioned here to him. But if I carry on the relationship with him, I feel that I might be missing out on what could be a big part of me and my life, and that I could be unintentionally leading him on to the degree that one day he might propose to me and I will feel obliged to say yes but inwardly say no. Has anyone else been through something like this?
