1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I just don't know.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by fruitlapassion, May 4, 2014.

  1. fruitlapassion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2014
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Well, this is funny. I came here to do everything but question my sexuality. Nevertheless, here I am, chatting with you...Let's start since the beginning, shall we? (beware, this may be long)

    You can call me "fruit". I don't think I'll be revealing my real name. Maybe the time will come. I'm sixteen. I love drawing, and writing. In fact, I am here because I am writing a story. That was the reason I first entered this forum. But, I started thinking. Thinking is bad, isn't it? All the doubts that haunted you, and that you purposely locked away, free themselves. Just like that.

    I never had a crush on a girl. It's true, sometimes a woman's beauty can leave me in awe. But that's all. I don't need to kiss them. In fact, I don't *want* to kiss them (or that's what I think, because I've seen myself kissing a girl. And liking it). I draw them, that's what I do. I *know* I won't feel the urge to do anything with them like I would kiss, say, leonardo di caprio in the Titanic.I actually dreamed of a charming prince when I was little, and I still do. For me, it has always been boys. Boys, boys, boys. So, you would think I'm perfectly and totally straight, right? like, say, a 100% straight, right?

    Well, actually...I'm not so sure.

    These doubts started when I was a kid. The first time I thought I could be a lesbian I was, I think, 12 years old. I don't know how that conversation started, but I remember I was curious about people revealing their sexuality to their parents. If I was a lesbian, would mom stop loving me? I decided to ask.
    "I will always love you", she said.
    I nodded, but it didn't convince me.Then she asked;
    "What, you are a lesbian?" (she actually asked that)
    "Of course not! Why would you think that!" I refuted very quickly.
    But it left me thinking; I've never been in a relationship, no one has ever been attracted to me. No matter how hard I tried to be liked by a boy, luck just wouldn't knock my door. Maybe I am a lesbian, after all, I thought (I believed that if all boys boycotted me, it was a sign. Maybe my destiny was to be with girls?). That thought didn't last long, and I never told anyone about it.

    Everything changed after THAT happened.
    I had a best friend, and I liked her very, very much. She was so important to me. Nevertheless, I never thought about doing anything "weird" with her. Oh, wait, right. It happened once.
    One day, I may have been thirteen or fourteen, she invited me to come over to her house. I was all excited, because I loved being with her, and being in her house was more than fun. So I was in her room, and we were talking. Then, I'd say something, and she'd jump over me. We were very close, and it felt...I don't know, very intimate. And that's when a "weird" feeling crossed my mind. For a moment, a very short moment, I felt attracted to her. It scared me, so I killed that feeling as soon as I realized how unfitting it was.

    Now, you need to know that I usually don't touch people. Rather, I usually don't touch boys. It's not that I don't like it (because I do), but I feel very awkward when it happens. I kind of start to blush when the boy I like touches me. Now, it's the contrary when it comes to girls. In fact, I want to touch them, because I kind of feel very intimate when I do. You know, they're girls, so they're instantly friends. I have nothing to blush for, do I?

    That leads me to think; what happened may have been just curiosity. I've never been so close to a boy, so maybe I found some kind of replacement in my best friend? I don't know. I don't remember if it happened again, but I would say no.

    Then, what's the big deal, do you ask. I wouldn't be so confused if it was only that. But, guess what? It's not the only thing... This is very awkward, 'cause I don't tell people these things. It's hard. Well...Hum...how do I say this?

    Watching lesbians turns me on.

    Well, it actually happens with anything (gays and heterosexuals are on the list, too). So what, why is this odd? Oh boy. Let's just say that lesbians are more "sexy" to me than are a boy and a girl together. Maybe's just because I'm very open-minded? Hell, whatever it was, I was doing very good with my stuff (thinking I may not be the only straight girl who happens to like lesbian stuff) until some friend told me that she couldn't bear watching two girls "making out". Then I thought, am I supposed to feel rejection when watching lesbians? It's "normal" (whatever that means) for straight boys to be turned on by lesbians. However, I'm not a boy. I've fantasized with women. And not just once. Even with friends, with FRIENDS. *sigh*

    So I thought; Oh, maybe I'm just bisexual. Would I kiss a girl? I don't know, the idea doesn't seem unpleasant. Would I have an actual romantic relationship with a girl? I just don't know. Well, I think the first one's more likely to happen that the second one, but still, what do I know?
    In fact, how are you supposed to know this stuff?

    I might as well be on a phase or whatever. Again, who knows? Am I supposed to try and see what happens?

    I don't want to tell anybody until I'm sure and, honestly, I'm kind of scared to find out.
     
    #1 fruitlapassion, May 4, 2014
    Last edited: May 4, 2014
  2. Monraffe

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2014
    Messages:
    418
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    These are low frequency attachments you are experiencing so far, which means none of them are defining who you are and that is causing you some confusion understandably. I'm not saying your sexual/romantic thoughts are not strong or real, at times I'm sure they are, but they are just thoughts. The first time you truly fall in love will make all of the other feelings seem superficial in comparison. You write beautifully btw, it was a pleasure reading your post.
     
  3. fruitlapassion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2014
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    :icon_bigg
    Oh, thank you very much! I think the same, thoughts are just thoughts, right? I guess only time will tell. Btw, it's a pleasure to meet you!
     
  4. wanderinggirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    It's great that you're open minded. Just keep staying open and love will eventually find you. You're going to have all these experiences in your life that you can't predict now; they will eventually lead you to a clearer answer. For now, let the future be murky and embrace the possibilities! You go girl. And if you end up straight, know that high school guys suck and you will eventually find guys who dont suck who are attracted to you.
     
  5. Sigrid

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2014
    Messages:
    108
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Norway
    I'm going to tell you what I almost always tell people when they are questioning their sexuality: Don't stress about labels. Just allow yourself to be attracted to whoever you're attracted to, and you'll figure it out eventually. C:
     
  6. fruitlapassion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2014
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you!! And you know what? you're right. I'm just gonna let it go (see the reference there? Eh?) and not worry about it. Whatever will be will be.
    :slight_smile:
     
  7. Sigrid

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2014
    Messages:
    108
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Norway
    I see what you did there :wink: Good luck with figuring it out, and know that I am always willing to listen if you need someone to talk to (*hug*)