Hi everyone, this is my first post here. So I entered my first relationship ever at the age of 25 with a guy I met at work. We've been going out for over a year now but theres been an anxiety and a discomfort creeping in over the last few months that I have been trying to suppress, but I think its coming to a point where I need to do something. I think I'm lesbian (in denial, because it still feels odd to say this) because I feel no sexual desire for my boyfriend. I find him attractive and love him romantically but when we are physically intimate I don't really feel anything, I don't get turned on at all. That and I check out women, and have dreams and fantasies about women. My boyfriend knows nothing of this. My issue is I have nothing to compare my current relationship to. I don't know if I feel like this just with him, or if I'd feel like this with all men. I suspect it may be all men, because I never had any crushes on guys in school or work, but I did on women. If you asked me to name celebrities I find attractive my list would be almost entirely female, I don't really pay attention to the males. So I'm coming to a point where I think I need to reveal these doubts to him. I feel so anxious and shitty and sick at the thought of doing it (I haven't even been able to sleep in the last few nights because of it) because so many people have betrayed him in his life and I don't want to add myself to that list. But I also don't want to be an unhappy married woman further down the line who wishes she ended it sooner. I just worry that my doubts about sexual orientation are wrong and that I'm going to screw up something that was good. Anyone been in my shoes?
tell him the truth... i have been in the exact same scenario btw, i was in a hetero relationship for 3 years but i told her and the relationship began deteriorating. she did feel betrayed. sometimes it really sucks im not straight because i still love this woman very much emotionally. she was perfect and such a beautiful and nice spirit. and if i was straight and didnt have anxiety with the idea of being with woman, i would of married this woman. but, its sort of like how the saying goes "there is never a good time to break up" there really isnt, in the end, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. maybe you two will end up best friends maybe not. but whatever happens, you need to do What Helps You Sleep At Night ---------- Post added 5th May 2014 at 08:21 AM ---------- if you need someone to personally talk to during the events that may follow, feel free to PM me. i know i did it solo, and it was hard because the mind is very good at running in circles when in fear of the unknown
Hey NekoBasu, welcome to EC! Your shoes have been well-used by many of us here, only we got married and had kids before we realized what's up... You are at a crossroads; no one here can tell you what you are, but lack of desire for the opposite sex is a big red flag; I can assure you that this will not change over time or if you get married. For him, the bigger betrayal would be to marry him and find out years later that it wasn't for you. Whenever you do the right thing, there is going to be pain, severe pain I suspect, but, I assure you: nothing like the pain of those who are trying to unravel their complicated lives with angry spouses and children of divorce...check out our Later in Life section for examples of that, including my own cautionary experience...
Let me come at this from a different perspective: I dated a guy once I'm pretty sure was gay and didn't know it/acknowledge it. And when he wasn't turned on by something or into me physically I would feel unattractive and angry at myself. I dieted and everything. When we broke up my eating went back to normal, as did my self-esteem. It sucks dating someone you care about to whom you aren't attracted, but the converse is also true, and I think he'd probably feel relief and respect you for who you are. Be honest for his sake too, and if you guys care about each other enough then you might be able to stay friends and you won't lose him in your life.
Thats a perspective I hadn't considered. He does ask me a lot of questions to reassure himself and asking me if I'm sure I'm consenting and ok during sex. He's the kind of person who self compliments, like "damn, my hair looks amazing today" and I just agree rather than giving compliments of my own. He did say the other day on the phone that he had started to wonder about my gender preferences. I think he's thinking that because we haven't slept together in about 2 months (main excuse, and truthful excuse is that my birth control caused me to have a month long period and only 1 week before the next started) but I don't miss it. When he said that I just said no, and reassured him that I found him attractive, mainly because I wasn't ready to discuss my confusion. He rang me earlier today and every time he told me he loved me I felt more sick and anxious. He's a clever guy though, he knows somethings up. He had his own gay experience when he was younger, thought he was bi, tried gay sex, wasn't into it, and carried on a straight lifestyle.
