Anxiety About Sexuality

As I mentioned in my previous thread I've been going through a lot of questioning of my sexuality. Lately I've been feeling it's most likely I am bisexual but I'm not positive, still trying to feel things out, and be more attentive to the things my body and mind are telling me, rather than attempting to ignore or quash those feelings as I have quite often in the past.

I find, however, I am having A LOT of anxiety surrounding this issue. I have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and depression to start with, so I guess the stress of this questioning/self realization period is triggering a lot of underlying issues for me. I was hoping if others have gone through some similar issues they have any suggestions on how I can cope with this process in a healthier manner. I try to be at ease with my sexuality and at times I am, but then at other times my anxiety flares up. I've been getting severe anxiety and occasionally full on panic attacks. I'm also frightened of people finding out somehow, I don't expect a positive response from my family (pretty worried about that, in particular), but I feel like most of my friends probably won't care and I try to remind myself of that, at least. But I just am not really ready to talk to people in my life about this aspect of myself yet, especially as I am still unsure of things, myself.

Can anyone help?

 

thekillingmoon-
You're probably right, I tend to overthink most things in my life, so of course I would over-over think this. I do see a therapist regularly, every few weeks, and am on SSRIs for anxiety and depression. They tend to keep me functional, but when major stressors occur (like they are now) things get pretty rough again. I probably need to work up the courage to talk to my therapist about this, I've been hesitant because I'm so confused and unsure myself that I haven't wanted to attempt to talk about it in case I'm wrong. I guess that doesn't make a lot of sense, though, as the therapist is supposed to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. I'm just incredibly nervous about it.

Radioactive Bi-
You're right, a lot of it is stigma and stereotypes. When I try to think about my future, if I ended up being with another woman, it's a bit of a scary prospect. Not being with a woman itself, but the backlash from other people.

I was also tormented throughout Jr. High school because one of the "popular girls" decided I was a lesbian. At that time I was pretty clueless about sexuality and didn't really consider or know to consider myself anything, really. But that experience I think put a lot of negative feelings in me, toward myself and my sexuality.

It helps to hear your experience, and that you went through a rough period as well, but eventually came to acceptance. I hope I'll eventually get there. I guess I need to weather the "storm" for now, and do my best to challenge negative thoughts.

I have told one online friend about what I've been dealing with, and he's helped a bit. He knows a few gay and bisexual people but he himself is straight, so while he understands some things there are other things he just doesn't seem to "get."

I have a question for you, and any others who consider themselves bisexual, too. Do you find it more confusing because you're "in between" so to speak? I'm aware of some of the stereotypes, like bisexuality is a "transition period" and so on, and things like this only confuse me further, and make me uncomfortable choosing to identify myself as such, for fear of being wrong, that I might actually be gay, or that I'm just a very confused and messed up straight girl.

 

WooEEE-
Yeah, I've been in therapy for some time, I've made a lot of progress from where I was in the past. It's slow progress, but still progress, and I know I have a ways to go, still. I know I need to challenge my anxieties and work through them. But I also know (having done so enough times) that if I push myself too hard too soon I completely shut down and stop functioning. It's a little more complicated than just "getting over it."

You make a good point, straight people probably don't get this confused or worked up about their sexuality, do they? I guess it's probably safe for me to say I'm probably not straight.

I wish I had a clear answer to your rather blunt question about penis, heh. I have definitely had emotional and romantic feelings for men. I've also had them for women. Sexually, that's harder for me to say. Up until not too long ago I felt I may be asexual, though now I realize it's more likely I have a fairly low sex drive, and coupled with all the emotional issues it looked like asexuality. I also have some issues with touch that get in the way. Either way, despite my current age I'm kind of feeling like I'm a kid hitting puberty for a second time, and trying to determine what all these "weird feelings" mean, heh.

I've had one boyfriend, and I had a lot of intimacy issues despite being very much in love with him. It's really hard for me to say if those problems were because of the things I mentioned above, or if it was because I might not be attracted to men. I feel like I probably need more time to sort that out. I haven't been with a woman, so unfortunately I can't really compare at this point, to know if that would be better or if the same kinds of issues would arise.

 

confuseduser99-
Yeah, I think you're right, having to hide or deny a part of yourself is never mentally healthy, and it's probably contributed to my anxiety, as well. I know there are other factors at work for me, too, but I'm sure it doesn't help. That's why despite the feelings this questioning has brought on for me I'm trying my best not to hide from them again, as I have in the past. I've reached a point in my life where I feel I need to find a way to move forward or I'll just end up alone and lonely, as I have been for so long.

I am doing better than I have at some points in my life. I have a small group of friends, I have a job and an apartment, but I still struggle with a lot and often it feels like these things are just one slip up away from falling from my grasp. I work at home, which gives me a lot of leeway, in some ways this is good, but in others it just allows me to hide away further. I know I need to work on getting back out into the world, and confronting these parts of myself, I hope it can help.

I see what you mean, suppressing your feelings in some ways can lead to suppressing them in other areas, too. While I've not been told I'm cold, I am often called aloof or standoffish. I've always been very shy, and always feel like I have to keep my distance from others, as well. It's like self preservation. But I've come to realize that though I think I'm protecting myself, all I've really been doing is causing myself more pain :/ . It's a lot of work, trying to change patterns of behavior I've had since childhood, though.

 

confuseduser99-
Yeah, I rarely meet new people, I have a small group of friends, and occasionally I'll be at an event where I meet some of their friends, but other than that, it is very hard to socialize when you sit at home alone all day for work.

I hope your trip to the mall goes well, that's very bold of you! Are you going to try to flirt back with that guy?

Alyss-
I guess for me it's becoming a bit of an obsession, trying to figure things out, and that's leading to a lot of the anxiety. I'm trying to remind myself I don't need to be thinking about it every minute of every day in order to learn more about myself, hopefully that can help. I'm pretty prone to obsessive thinking and rumination so it's hard to derail the thought train sometimes.

How have you worked through some of your anxiety over the years?

I keep trying to remind myself that there's really nothing wrong with having same-sex attractions. I've had gay and bisexual friends at various points in my life and never cared about their sexuality one way or another, but for some reason it's different when it's myself, and I become quite judgmental in my own head. It sounds like you've also got those "voices." I feel like it's a process we both need to go through, learning to quiet them.

 

Good luck! :icon_bigg

 

Alyss-
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. You're right that there are many other aspects to each of us, and sexuality is just one facet of a much more complex person. I have been feeling a little bit of an identity crisis lately, and reminding myself I'm still who I always was helps a little. Just because I am recognizing I am attracted to women doesn't change the fact that I'm an animation and sci-fi geek, an artist, or an animal lover.

I know exactly what you mean, with those paranoid feelings that everyone can see exactly what you're thinking of and what you're trying to hide.

It sounds like things have been tough for you because of such unaccepting environments. For me growing up I had never heard the word "lesbian" before junior high, and really had no idea what "gay" was. My Jr. High and High Schools were quite homophobic, as well. My father makes homophobic comments from time to time, I don't know what his deep feelings are on the issues, and my mom has never really spoken about it. I worry the most about my father's reaction if I were to come out of the closet to him. He and I had a difficult relationship growing up, and it's only recently started to improve, and I don't really want to lose that.

I went to art school for college, so it was much more accepting there, and now I live in the same town I went to school in, so I am fortunate that I've moved to a fairly liberal area where more people are a bit more open-minded.

wanderinggirl-
Thanks! I see a lot of myself in Elsa, as well (maybe too much, haha). After I saw Frozen I became really interested in it at first because Elsa's powers appear to me to be a metaphor for mental illness. Going deeper into the fandom of the movie is actually what's renewed these thoughts and questioning of my sexuality (since you know the movie you probably know a lot of people see it as a bit of a "coming out" movie for LGBT, too). So, I felt it was fitting.

You mentioned that you feel supported now, is that because you came out and had a positive reception from most people? Did you find you had to work through your own anxiety before getting to that point? Or is coming out and being supported by others ultimately what ended up helping?

 

ConfusedUser99-
Please do!

WanderingGirl-
I'm glad you've been able to gain self-acceptance. I can imagine as things are more out in the open they feel more "normal," as well. And probably the added pressure of trying to hide things is relieved, too?

As for my anxiety... I am the type of person that often has anxiety in the background regardless of what's going on in my life, it's just my anxiety disorder. Lately it's become more difficult to deal with, at times I'm fine but at other times I'm struggling to function, or I just have to retreat from the world and can't do much of anything. My actual panic attacks, which fortunately aren't that frequent, are totally debilitating. I find that if I push myself too much while anxious it can develop into a panic attack, so I try to self monitor and take breaks and such to avoid reaching that level.

I guess the thoughts I have are often a lot of self-doubt, what if I'm wrong about myself? What if I'm making this all out to be more than it is, and I'm mistaken and I'm straight, or what if I am gay, or what if I am bisexual but can never really grasp that or feel satisfied with what feels like a nebulous area of sexual preference? What if I start dating girls and that doesn't work out at all? What if I date guys and I can't make it work? Sometimes I get anxious if I find myself noticing someone who is attractive because I worry they'll notice me noticing, as well. I have a very poor self image, and I tend to anticipate a lot of disgust from the person I am noticing. If it's a girl then that's amplified because of the negative feelings toward gay people in our society. Other anxieties are about other people in my life finding out or noticing that I'm "not straight" and having to talk about that or get a negative reaction. Basically, anything and everything you can worry about, I do :icon_redf .