Okay... Hey, everyone. It's nice to see you all again after so long. I know it's been a while since I've posted on this part of the forum, but recent circumstances have left me... dazed and confused. See, when we first started talking, I was really open to him. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to talk to him and be as buddy-buddy as I could, because that's the kind of person I wanted to be. And I ended up pulling him out of his bubble, as well, and... things progressed with us. We ended up in a relationship, I tried to stay as open as possible. At some point, he... started building walls back around himself whenever he fell into a depressive state. And I kept having to push and push until he was better again. This later turned into us cybering to make him feel better because apparently it 'healed' him, though it was a temporary patch each time. Though, cybering, with him, he played a girl online. And I found this to turn me on. Sometimes, more-so than the rare time he played a boy. And as time went on... I dunno, I became kind of objective to cybering with him when he played a girl? Like I didn't wanna get into it, but I'm not sure if that's from simply the girl part, or... just over-doing it. Or I was just fighting to even show I would sex a girl, I dunno. I had never been able to watch straight porn in the past - when I was growing up. It unnerved me, made me feel uncomfortable to see girls in that way, along with guilty. I think, though... it was a fear of attachment. A fear of actually getting close to a girl, because I knew how true it'd be, and how much I could get hurt from it. I did have a crush on a girl in the past, yeah. And I did nothing about it, because I was similarly afraid of losing her as a friend, and I didn't have much confidence in myself. I still don't. Along the way, I guess I just started convincing myself I was a 'nice guy' and didn't want women for pleasure, just to see them happy. I didn't wanna be 'that guy'. It made me uncomfortable to see women sexually. Like I was dis-respecting them. At the same time, it was also some time after finding out about straight porn that I somehow stumbled upon gay porn, and for the last pretty much decade, I'd started watching nothing but that, porn wise, up until some time into my relationship, when I gave straight porn a try again. I found it could be more arousing than gay porn, sometimes, though... not from the girl herself. More like the pleasure she was getting. I haven't really gotten aroused to a girl solo. Not from what I remember. Whereas gay porn sometimes doesn't always turn me on, I can get more aroused from looking at a guy naked. And actually getting off... well, when it comes to just guys, the orgasm is... fuller, I guess? I... well, I get into it. I moan and whimper kinda. .//////. With girls, or anything involving girls, I... 'shoot' farther, but the orgasm doesn't feel nearly as strong. And, admittedly, I... well, I imagine kissing a guy, and I get this doubtful pain in my stomach, but when I imagine kissing a girl, I just end up gagging, though my mind feels like there's a comfort in it. But my thing is also 'emotional connection', and that... I mistook. I thought I did feel a sexual attraction towards guys, though I also feel like I built something up within my mind rather than look at who they were in reality. But I also mistook that 'sexual attraction' for emotional substance, I think. I HAVE wanted to be emotionally close to a guy, but I think I might've made up what I thought it would feel like or what I wanted it to feel like. So... I accidentally made a mask for myself to cover what feelings I COULD have for girls, pushing it back to down-tone it so I wouldn't have to fear getting close to them, while exaggerating the possibility of something with a guy. And with him, I might've accidentally imprinted what I wanted onto who HE was. And now, I'm afraid to get close to anyone. I doubt I can get close to a guy, yet I... well, when I consider myself ending up with a girl, I get really withdrawn and I hurt badly, and I just hate everyone, including myself. Yet with a guy, I doubt things, like if I'll actually love him and be able to open up to him, if I'll actually feel anything for him. ... Things have been strained between us, and trying to break up with him has only made him cling harder. I don't know if us being 'together' while still being 'separate' and trying to work on ourselves will be good enough. He doesn't want anyone other than me... and I don't know WHO I want, yet. ... I have a lot of issues, I know. And I know I need to see a therapist, for sure. But I'm... wondering what answers I can get, what I can do to figure it out. Breaking up with him completely will hurt, but staying with him will hurt and be stressful. He's... the closest I've really ever gotten to, and I don't wanna lose him, but it's just... frustrating.
