I have been a straight man for 32 years now. I have had four sexual proper sexual relationships with women which I really enjoyed. I have been in love twice and have a girlfriend now who I really like. Even with this I feel gay. I don't get turned on sexually by men but am completely obsessing over it and feel that I am supposed to be gay. I suffer from anxiety and low self esteem which makes me question my manliness. When my anxiety is acting up I feel gay but when I feel good about myself I feel straight. I have tried masturbating to men but don't enjoy it and usually don't do it. Masturbating to or being with a woman sexually is enjoyable to me but sometimes I get anxious about it and quite like domineering women. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to come out as I have no idea if I would like to be with a man but an constantly questioning myself about it and checking out men to see if I react to them. I can see a good looking man and notice them now. During my like I have had periods where I have doubted my sexuality but it usually goes away one I feel comfortable but I then begin to question myself again. Help please!!!
Just throwing it out there, but is it possible that somewhere deep down in the bottom of your mind somewhere you feel that being gay is the logical result of not being masculine? I ask purely because you said I suffer from anxiety and low self esteem which makes me question my manliness. and then went on to say that during periods of anxiety, you feel 'gay'. Honestly, nothing about what you've said SOUNDS like you are gay. You can appreciate when a man is good looking, but you don't appear to have any attraction to men or any desire to be with them either romantically or sexually. So is it possible that this is just the result of you losing your confidence with women, and feeling that if you can't be confident with women, you may as well try with men?
Thanks. Yes I think there is something there. I feel that I appear gay looks wise and this affects my confidence. I am bald and I always notice men with good haircuts. But then again I wonder why do these gay thoughts keep coming back to me. I feel like I have not explored it properly but I have thought about it loads. Probably more than people who are living gay lives. I wonder if I am denying it to myself all this time because I want to live my life as a straight person but maybe I'm not meant to.
I hope you like sports metaphors... So lets say you love football. You watch it pretty often and it's probably your favourite sport. Now for whatever reason you joined a local team. Nothing major, just you and a bunch of guys getting together once a week to play football, and every 3 months you play against a few other teams. A little competition for you all. Only thing is, you're not so good at football. You're slower than the others and can't kick as hard. You've got SOME skill, but basically you feel like everyone else is better at it than you. So my question to you is this. In this situation, which seems like the most reasonable option: Try and improve your football skills OR Take up golf instead?
Good one. I like the metaphor. I suppose the best thing to do is improve my footie skills and be the best damn football player I can be.
