So after many years of ignoring it I have finally come to terms that I am bisexual (I believe). I had always known, but I ignored my same sex attractions for many years hoping they would go away. But they never really do. Now since I have came to this conclusion my interest in women seems to have gone down. I have always been interested in women both romantically and sexually, had a couple of long term relationships, and had numerous serious crushes on girls during my life. Now things seem different and I'm not attracted to women as much as I used to be. At times this has made me feel like I am actually gay and in denial, but I don't think this is the case as I've liked/loved women all during my life. A little more background: I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years and it has been a major drag. Before we started the long distance part we had been dating for about a year and things were great. I truly loved her, we got along great, and we had sex a lot. Now since we've began the long distance relationship things have changed for me. I started to accept the fact that I was bisexual and my feelings for her started to diminish (a consequence of the long distance relationship, not my orientation I believe). My interest in women in general started to diminish during this time as the long distance relationship continued to go on and I got incredibly less and less happy over time. I went from having lots of close physical contact with a woman every single day to having none for a month and then seeing her for a weekend trying to make up for lost time. The long distance relationship just sucked the life out of me and it led to depression and just changed my life for the worst actually. After the first year when we got back from school I had nearly zero labido, I was depressed and my interest in women seemed to be almost gone. I started to worry that I was actually gay. I started having lots of ED problems with her and it seemed like only gay porn turned me on. (every once and awhile straight porn did too, but again not like it used to be.) This continued for awhile and I eventually came out of my depression and started to feel better again. I started having interest in women again, but yet still I was having ED problems. Now two years later I feel pretty much back to normal. I've accepted the fact that I am bisexual, but I continue to have ED problems with her although not as frequent. But my interest in women seems to be back to where it was before (at least close), but I still struggle to have sex with my girlfriend. For a 20 year old it has been really hard to deal with and sometimes it leads me to think yet again that I actually don't have interest in women I've been faking it this whole time, which isn't actually true. I have had very serious feelings for women my entire life. I think the ED problems are due to the fact that I really don't want to be in this relationship anymore and haven't for a long time. Its just been really confusing for me because the long distance relationship seemed to cause my interest in women to go down and at one point I was barely interested in them at all. But I believe that was due to depression and now things seem to be better and more back to normal. I guess my question is does that seem like someone who is actually gay and in denial? For you people that identify as strictly gay did you ever have serious attractions to the opposite sex, but then they just went away and never came back? I don't think it really works like that, but it has been confusing me for awhile. I would enjoy feeling normal and sure of myself again. Thanks
Hi there, and welcome to EC! I'm afraid to tell you that this is pretty much what happened to me. I had crushes on girls when I was growing up, and even had a girlfriend for a while. When I was 20 or so I came across gay porn and that really turned me on, but I still assumed that I was straight and that I would get married and have kids, etc. So I did get married. I loved my wife, and we had a pretty satisfying sex life. But my same sex attraction ramped up in my 30s. Or perhaps I let it out. At any rate, I'm now 43, and consider myself to be gay - even though I had been marred to my wife for 9 years and went into that relationship thinking I was straight. Having said that, ED can be caused by all sorts of things - not the least of which is stress. So if you're unhappy in this relationship then perhaps it is time to end it. Not because you might be gay, but because it isn't making you happy. Hope that helped. Again - welcome!
I had many crushes on girls when I was in my teens , I had several GFs in my 20's . The sex was not good but not bad. I don't think the erection was a problem , especially for someone in his 20's , but the problem is that there was something missing , I did't love the GFs the same way they loved me , there was something wrong . Now my attraction towards women is diminishing the more I accept myself .
Your problems with sex could be from... 1. You're gay/bi and right now you lean towards men and not women. 2. Depression and other psychological issues leading to ED. 3. You're just not attracted to your girlfriend anymore. Have you often thought about men sexually/romantically outside of porn? Besides, I would seek counseling for depression. Once you get better you can have a clear idea on what is going on.
I never had any attractions or crushes or anything of the sort for females, ever. They've simply never registered on my libido at all. Based on what you've written, my sense at this point is that the issues you're having with your relationship and possible depression are the primary factor here. Or at least the factor that is overwhelming everything else. Regarding your lack of desire for women and possibly the ED: When you masturbate, do you ever just relax and fantasize (without porn)? And who do you end up fantasizing about? Men? Women? Depends on your mood? The answer to that question might give you better information to work with when considering your orientation. Porn is not generally considered a good indicator in this area. Hope this helps, Todd
Yes... I was attracted to women. I dated extensively and enjoyed it. I even liked sex with women. It was great--it wasn't like it was in the movies or in the songs but it was nice--and really how many things really are like they are in the movies? I was always attracted to men but didn't really feel the need to act on it--and then late in college I did. And it was just like in the movies and all the sudden I understood what everyone was singing about and I understood that, for me, what I had had with women was indeed nice but a pale imitation of what I could have with men.
Thanks for the replies everyone, It's not like I'm not interested in women anymore because I am and I do think it's genuine attraction. That seemed to just be a phase when I was generally depressed about everything and my libido seemed to be gone in general. It was only every once and a while that I would feel sexual urges and a lot of time they were for men but also for women occasionally during that time I believe. But now it seems like my attraction to women is back to where it was. I just don't want to have sex with my girlfriend. But other girls.... yes I would like to. What you guys have written isn't the most comforting thing, but still I can't see myself not actually being attracted to women. I can't see myself "faking it" for all these years when I have had some serious feelings for the opposite sex. And if dreams are any indication, I have always dreamt about women and every once and awhile about men and that's stayed pretty consistent. My sex with women has always been satisfying except the thing that was always wrong for me was that it was a different girl... While I've had a couple of long term girlfriends that I did really love, I've always had feelings for some other girl for some reason that I really couldn't help. That seemed to be the unsatisfying thing, that it was not that girl it was a different one. Again I had no real choice in who I actually really wanted. As for the masturbation: gay porn usually turns me on more and it's usually been like this. I don't know why though because when I walk around and see men and women I don't think about the men in that way. Although this is changing a little bit more now that I'm coming to terms with it. But in general I don't really see men like that. I won't see a guy and fantasize about him, but I will for women. And with the gay porn I don't know why it turns me on more? it seems like it's just the act of it more than the two men involved. While I want to see what it's like I don't know if it's just one of the fantasies that are great in your head but you would never actually do them or what. Then again I also watch straight porn and lesbian and that also works fine usually. I just usually don't "respond" as quickly to it. Maybe because I've seen so much of it before it's just not new, exciting, taboo for me? I'm kind of desensitized to it. If I masturbate without porn I can do it to either it really depends.
It's also interesting that there was a distinctive time when my problems started occurring. Without going into too many details, something happened in the relationship that made me realize it wasn't worth it anymore and things weren't going to change. From that point on where I basically decided I didn't want to do this anymore I have had ED problems with her. It wasn't like a revelation that I was gay and didn't like women, it was a distinctive time where I realized that I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore (even though I'm still in it). So I guess that might help to explain it more.
I don't think I've ever had a real attraction to women. I mean, I used to find some "cute" and pretty in a non-sexual way. I think I used to trick myself into thinking that I liked some girls, but truth be told, I never really felt anything. When I think about guys however, I can get turned on pretty easily. I'm also 20 and a virgin, so I've never acted on any sexual attractions. All my sexual experiences have been solo (masturbation).
I understand this completely. When I was 14 or 15 I was head over heels for women. I thought about them all the time and actively sought out to date them. However, being an ackward teen, girls only saw me as a "nice" guy and told me I was gross. For reasons possibly related to hetero-guilt and my existing attraction to men on the side (which I've had since 13) I turned nearly fully gay. Between the ages of 17 and 25 I focused so much on men, mostly skinny feminine guys, while hiding my attraction for women due to bi-phobia in the gay community. I only just yesterday had my first experience with a women. It was great, but I'm not sure it was sublime an experience as it was with guys. I find that I am very physically aroused by women but not in any romantic or emotional way. I rarely look at straight porn and am more turned in person when it comes to women. With guys its usually terrible with 80% of the male population who I feel nothing for, but there's that 20% where it is JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIES! There is one guy in particular who just being around or touching was like a euphoric drug. I might have felt this way with girls when I was 15, but in my 20s this feeling is absent with women. This is why I consider myself a bisexual-homoromantic.
I think the hardest part of all of this is accepting that it is actually possible to like both genders. I know it's an entirely real thing, but for myself I just have trouble accepting it. I'll alternate between thinking I'm fully straight one day and then fully gay the next when it's quite obvious that I like both. That has been the most frustrating part for me. Whenever I acknowledge my same sex attractions it makes me feel like how can I like women as well? I must be gay if I'm attracted to men.... I'm sure other bisexuals have gone through this as well.
Do not hang up on it too much. Don't even try to label it, until you know for sure. Perhaps you are not attracted to your current girlfriend or you have some sort of anxiety. PS: Sexual orientation may shift in some people throughout life.
