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Confusing desires and the difference between hetero/homo intimacy and sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Lilacy, May 7, 2014.

  1. Lilacy

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    Where to begin! :help:
    This is my first ever post. About anything to do with bi-lesbian stuff.
    Basically I just need to say stuff and hopefully work out what's going on in me.

    So, for a while now maybe the last few years I have starting really thinking about my desires and what they mean. First off, I am inexperienced in all sexual stuff, I've done nothing with either guys or girls, even though some people will think that's completely weird because I am 20 years old.

    I have been interested in guys from a young age as I hit puberty and also read books about girls liking boys and stuff. I started masturbating at a young age like 10ish (am I allowed to say that on here?) and so to be honest the first thing that turned me on was myself, my (lady parts lol). As I grew older I definitely thought about how beautiful girls are though, like as a teenager was interested in other girls bodies.
    Maybe more the last couple of years I have thought more about what it would be like to have a lesbian experience. When out in public and seeing girls that 'look lesbian' who have smiled at me, I have felt a bit nervous in a nice way. I am massively attracted to girls who look more androgynous or act/dress a bit more masculine but still have a feminine frame. I myself feel sexier when I dress more androgynous and I like to walk with a guy's confidence and sit like a guy kinda, don't like heels or dresses.
    Oh and Tegan & Sara are like the best example of girls I am attracted to haha although lets be honest who isn't attracted to them? Especially Tegan..whoah.

    Anyway, lately I have been having some lesbian dreams that were pretty damn good. Actually been going to sleep imagining lesbian stuff that makes me feel good before I sleep, kinda hoping for more lesbian dreams now.

    But, I still am definitely attracted to guys, like if I stand close to certain guys I feel strong chemistry and I'm not sure that I have felt the same level of chemistry with girls (although I haven't met many lesbians in real life). The thing is though, I feel like I would love the intimacy with girls, like it turns me on to imagine spooning with a girl all night, like gentle stuff, caressing and kissing..wow maybe I'm more gay then I thought lol. I don't know it's confusing! But yeah I'm especially attracted to confident lesbian girls like they would have to be the pursuer if you know what I mean? (..Tegan Quin). And I hate hate rough lesbian porn and don't find it attractive, the only kind I've ever been turned on my is when they are super slow and gentle and intense (although its the exact same with hetero porn I can't stand the rough stuff its awful).

    So basically the first big crush I noticed was last year when I was working at this restaurant serving food and there was this chick that worked as a chef and she would bring up trays of food and stuff, I don't think she was actually lesbian but she really physically came across that way I can't explain it but she was confident and carried herself like a guy I guess and yeah I was just really attracted to her personality. She was also like protective of me and kind to me and I can sometimes come across as being kinda breakable so maybe she picked up on that but it seriously attracted me to her. I guess I was thinking about it and I was like yeah I have a total crush on her..and then I was like hm and she's a girl..
    So it got me thinking about it all.

    If anyone has any advice or anything to offer I would so appreciate it. I feel really silly, like I have zero knowledge about what's normal with sexuality or anything, just kinda needed to chuck some of that out there. Yeah thanks.:kiss:
     
  2. Karabeara

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    The normality of sexual orientation. Sexuality is very complex. You don't really need to worry about "normal" when it comes to this stuff. Why don't you try joining a lgbtq group? It will help you meet lesbians and share your story. I can't really tell you your orientation because I'm not you. However if you feel like you like both you could be bi with a preference for girls. Or if you feel you only like the personality of a guy but don't think you could be with one sexually you could be biromantic homosexual. Just explore how you feel but don't feel rushed into sex! You don't have to have sex to know your orientation. And be cautious of others feelings if you decide to get involved with someone make sure your honest with them and there's no "guess what I've been with for 3 months but I'm gay/straight". Good luck. :slight_smile: :goodluck: ps. Yes you can say masturbation as long as your not just talking about how you masturbate all the time and love it so much just to say it. As long as your like asking a question or for advice or something you're fine. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  3. all paths

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    USA, Washington state
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    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I would say just continue to explore all your likes & attractions. Just...enjoy them. Resolve to enjoy what you enjoy, you know?

    The gift of freedom to being open to discovery is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

    And by doing that, you'll discover, over time, what your main preferences are.

    There is plenty of time to learn. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Lilacy

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    Thanks both of you for replying!

    Yeah, I know that sexuality is kinda fluid but I still like hearing some feedback, part of me really wants to know y'know?

    Kinda testing the waters right now I guess.
     
  5. Karabeara

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    Yeah I get it. Sometimes I wish there was just this book I could read and I'd magically know.