I've discovered that I probably haven't felt any sexual attraction to guys, but I occasionally feel sexually attracted to girls. I think my anxiety, depression and shame has reduced my sex drive by a lot. Despite living in a liberal area I don't want people to know about my attraction to girls. I feel very awkward when people notice that I'm checking out a girl. Especially if they point it out to me. I still sometimes feel like I might be bisexual or kind of asexual, but I'd rather call myself gay. It just feels weird because I want to be 100% sure.
Call yourself whatever you feel is right for you you don't have to label yourself not if you don't want to anyway
Nobody can be 100% sure . I can relate to you on some levels, when it comes to the depression/anxiety. For me it manifests in doubting that I am gay, because I dated men for a significant time and identified as bi and I don't like to think of myself as ending up with a man. It's not only about your attractions, but also about compatibility and what you want for yourself in your life. Do you want to date and be with a guy? If not then call yourself gay, or 'queer' if you like it. Date women, it can be an incredibly empowering experience. If you are not ready to come out to others, don't. Come out to yourself first. There is no pressure, it takes time to adjust to the idea and being depressed/ anxious might make it more difficult to deal with. But in the end it is only you who can decide when and how to come out to others, and what you are. I think dealing with your anxiety/ depression is actually probably more pertinent, love yourself first, before thinking about loving somebody else. I say that because I saw your other posts on here and I can relate to a lot of the worry that comes across in your posts. I feel that for me I start over-thinking my sexuality as a means of channeling my other anxiety, and in that context finding a label that feels comfortable becomes a metaphor for finding some inner peace, but the truth is we can never be 'sure', because nobody is ever sure about what life will bring them, we can only use our label/identities as names for what we know about ourselves and as approximation for what we want from others. And it is us who can only decide it, not others. If I was an artist and saw myself for the rest of my life being an artist, it would be futile agonising over the fact that at some point in the future I might want to change to be lawyer or engineer. Currently you are at a state where you say 'am I more into art or law, what if I pick art but turn out to have been also into law all along'? This is kind of detrimental, it puts you in a stage where you constantly worry which one you should pick, instead of going with one that feels approximately right, going from there, and being prepared to accommodate dealing with changes in the future. If you have a primary interest in girls then date them, it can be empowering, really! If further down the line you turn out to be interested in a boy, it still will be your choice to act on it, nobody will make you go and sleep/have a relationship with him. If you were in a committed relationship with a woman, would you imagine dealing differently with an attraction to another woman than to an attraction to a man? If you worry that you'll respond differently: suddenly 'go straight', that shows some internalised heterosexism/homophobia, that somehow a woman has no agency when it comes to her attraction to a man and that a woman 'ought to' choose a man over a woman. Should you choose at some point to explore something with a guy, it still might not make you even bi: there is plenty of gay people who do it sometimes, or take time to figure things out, and people are people: sometimes we like them regardless of what sex they are, for me the difference is in the quality of connection. The main thing is: only you can figure out your orientation, and what you want in your life. If 'gay' is the label that approximately describes your orientation, then go for it! Nobody demands that straight people are 100% sure that they are straight, to be able to call themselves that, and neither should we apply this unattainable standard to us.
I think a lot of my sexuality worries are channeled anxieties as well. I have a lot of things going on in my life that are harder to deal with than my sexuality. I kind of like to worry about my sexuality because it distracts me from other worries. I still have reasons to think about my sexuality, but I know that most of my worries about my sexuality are trivial. I think that dealing with those other issues might help me deal with my sexuality. I'm not planning on any having any serious relationships at this point in my life. I'm way too messed up and I don't want people to see that. I mostly want to make some friends, date some people casually and maybe have some casual short-term relationships. I know I probably won't have any real intimacy for a while. I just want some dating experience so I can be less naive and more sure of myself.
If you want to date some people casually, then that's a good start Be careful though because having issues might make you more vulnerable, stand your ground in whatever you do good luck & don't stress!
