As I've been going through this questioning period I find myself not only trying to be more attentive and accepting of my current desires and attractions, but also going back over the past in my mind quite a lot. One of the things I'm having trouble coming to terms with is that currently, I am finding I am more sexually attracted to females, but I've had crushes on both males and females in the past, more notably males. In the past I felt I had little to no sexual attraction to anyone, though there were times of physical attraction and romantic attraction. As I go over in my mind different guys I've crushed on I start to worry that maybe I "forced" myself to feel that way about them. There have been a couple of times where I recall thinking to myself "yes, he would be a good candidate for a boyfriend" when developing a crush, though those instances never developed into a relationship. Is that weird? I have always been sort of detached from my emotions and sexuality, and I'm starting to wonder how much of that was simply due to my oddness and emotional issues and how much was due to subconscious repression and the desire to be "normal". On the other hand, the one relationship I have had was with a guy, and I definitely was in love with him and can even remember the moment where I felt friendship feelings turn into romantic feelings for him, and that didn't feel forced, it just happened. I guess what I'm getting at here is, I'm confused about how to reconcile my current attractions with my past experiences. I almost feel like calling myself gay would discount the validity of the feelings I've had for men in the past, while currently I feel more and more a desire for a relationship with a female and I'm uncertain how I feel about males, so I'm not sure if bisexual is accurate, either.
I understand that it's confusing, but there's one thing I should make clear... Does it matter? What changes when you find the answer? What if you had been fooling yourself? You can't change the feelings you're having right now, can you? (*hug*) Perhaps it's difficult, but I think you should more focus on the present than on the past. You don't have to understand what happened back then, I think it's more important to understand what is happening right now. :icon_bigg So your feelings might have changed, or you interpret them more correct now.. Anyway, I'm not sure how this could help you. But if you really want to know what changed, here it is: I find myself not only trying to be more attentive and accepting of my current desires and attractions, [...] There it is. You are more accepting of your feelings right now. You might have been less open about it back then, thus not recognizing your true feelings. Hope it helps (a little)! (*hug*)
You make valid points, Quem, but I guess I'm trying to find a way to integrate my past self with my current self in a way that helps me feel less lost. You're right I may be interpreting things more "correctly" now, or my feelings may have simply changed. But I'm just trying to put all the pieces together as I try to rebuild a clearer image of my Self in my own mind. I feel like past behavior is often (though I understand not always) a good indicator for future behavior, and I can't just forget about who I have been. As I "time travel" in my mind I am finding more and more evidence that I liked girls, and it's kind of boggling that I was able to block all of that out. Not forgotten, of course, just... I was never willing to allow the pieces to align until now. I feel like uncovering things like this is helping me have a better hold on myself. Going through this process, I feel like I'm undergoing a bit of an identity crisis, and it helps to have evidence that really, nothing all that earth shattering has changed within me except that I'm now more willing to see certain aspects of myself than I have been in the past. You're right that I need to focus on how I'm feeling in the present, as well, and it's something I will bear in mind. I don't often have a lot of experience with people in my day to day life, however, so in some areas I am relying on my inner archaeologist to help uncover past feelings, as well. I'm also concerned that while I focus on allowing myself to perceive women I could unintentionally be burying or diverting attention toward men, and I don't want to limit myself unless I find I feel men really aren't right for me. Looking to the past and how I've felt about them gives me additional insight, though I'm not sure I'm seeing things clearly enough just yet to fully understand what it all means.
I can relate to the having felt detached from ones feelings in the past, and also trying to process/integrate my past attractions in my current sense of self. I those two things are related and I can say how I understand them in myself, maybe it will help you. I don't think the sexual aspect is the only thing that plays role in attraction, I was and still am attracted to certain qualities in people, and those qualities can be exhibited by both men and women. In that sense I was attracted to the person, and not the gender, because I wanted to be openminded and did not want to reject somebody only because they were male. With time I've learned that I am more compatible with women and not that compatible with men, that there are still somethings that are missing. Being attracted based on the personality etc. characteristics was also a way for me to connect to people whilst still suppressing certain aspects of my sexuality. Sexuality is pretty animal/basic and if it is suppressed it is easily to overlook the characteristics which pertain to it and still get crushes on people for all sorts of reasons. Once your awareness of your own sexuality increases, it becomes impossible to ignore those sexual characteristics (or lack of them). In these conditions it is perfectly possible to love a guy and have a meaningful attraction to him, all it means that you were attracted to him as a person, loved him as a person, despite his gender/sex, because you did not know at the time that it mattered. Also 'sexuality' is not the only aspect here, I don't know what else to call it..spirit? I was also a bit detached, or maybe 'private'. I hide some aspects of myself. And suppressing my sexuality goes hand in hand with suppressing other feelings for me, and is an explanation why I ignored it for so long: it was just simply safer and less of a hassle to have all those feelings. It felt more secure and less threatening to live in a pastel coloured world, instead of the full-colour one. I hope you can find some parallels here.
Confusion seems to be a good friend of mine. He likes to hang out with me a lot, more so than any other person, and he's always hogging the attention. What you have to learn is, confusion is always going to be around, especially when your emotions and thoughts are so open and ranged. What you may like and think now... may not be what you like and then later, and so on and so on. The fact you are able to feel attraction is, to me, a good thing and a sign that you are capable of loving. If you can love, then you are already capable of living a life that has some meaning. While not of the same magnitude, I used to always struggle with being more social. I knew I could be, and at times I knew I even liked to be social, but I'm an introvert at my core, so wanting to stick close to home and what I knew, was not only comforting but an excuse for me not ever really broaden my horizons. I couldn't truly get to know myself unless I went out and obtained some experience. Some days I'd feel foolish, but others I'd feel like I was opening a door that, before, had only been slightly cracked. You can apply this example to about almost anything really, if you really want to. Humans are uniquely cursed. Unique because we possess remarkable potential for intelligence and innovation, but cursed in that such intelligence and innovation also causes us to second guess, to doubt, and to over analyze. Life is short, and too many wallow away debating and thinking, and by the time they are ready, there isn't much time left to be what they want. You have to tell yourself, I have a heart and I want to love, and then you just have to be who you are, and along the way utilize that desire to love to find a path - a path that will lead you down your road of purpose. It may seem daunting, or even confusing, but such dilemmas don't always have to be stressing or bad, it could just be your mind and your body's way of saying, "Hey, you! Yeah, you! Go out there and see what the world has for you!"
Imagine it like this, it's a stupid beer/wine comparison, but whatever. As a teenager all the girls around me were into beer. I was expected to like it too, but I didn't even though some beers seemed to be somewhat tasty from time to time. I used to be asked many times what kind of beer did I like, if I had some beer to drink... my mother even asked me a few times "you like beer, don't you?" I didn't know any girl who liked wine back then. To tell you the truth, I didn't even know it was an option. I was thinking that maybe I'm too picky, that maybe "I haven't found the right beer yet", and was hoping to find some kind of beer I'll like. I did eventually when I was 23 yo. I still wasn't beer crazy at that time but I learned to like that particular one. Over the time, however, I started to like its taste less and less until one day, at 35 yo, I realized that I like wine instead. I don't see it as my taste's changed, I just finally understood what I like. I'm a wine lover now, and I was back then, even though I didn't know that about myself.
I can, and thank you for sharing your own feelings on the matter. It helps a bit to look at my past relationship in a different light, rather than feeling like I should have to "discount" it. I was attracted to personality traits and the sense of being in him but the physical stuff was always difficult. I am not certain if it was due to a lack of attraction to the male body, or if it was due to the emotional barriers I was facing at the time, but if it's the former I suppose it might be telling of my preferences. Not having been with a woman I can't say for sure if the same barriers would arise, or if things would be more natural. I'm also in a better place emotionally now than I was while I was with him, so that's a consideration, as well. Either way, however, it helps to be able to realize that even if the sexual component wasn't there there was genuine attraction and love on my part. That relationship was a big part of my life even if it was somewhat short lived, the friendship was a long and intimate one and I would hate to have to feel that I was just lying to myself all that time. It's funny, I have said the same thing many times, myself. We humans have these big beautiful brains, so big that they don't know when to stop holding themselves back. It sounds like you are telling me to go out and seize the day . I can't really argue with that advice. Part of the reason I'm questioning myself so thoroughly is very practical, however... I feel like in this town I can't really date or get involved in LGBT activities without it getting back to people I know somehow or another. I tried ******* for about a week, and even with the "hide straight people" setting I came across two people I know or who know people I know. While my friends will likely be quite surprised if I come out to them, I'm fairly confident most of them will have no problem with it (aside from one, who I am a little more nervous about), but it's still information I'd prefer come from me rather than something they hear "through the grapevine." So.. I'm trying to work things out the best I can before taking any major steps. I recognize, though, that it may come to a point where I have to just come out as "questioning" or "maybe bisexual, maybe gay" if I can't quite feel things out on my own. That's actually a really great metaphor, haha. And I can relate. But here's a question. How do you know you like wine for sure without trying it? I guess part of me is still nervous I'll try "wine" and find while I liked how it looks and the idea of it the actual experience isn't something I'm looking for. To continue your metaphor for me, I feel like I forced myself to look at a lot of "beers," though there is the occasional one I do find I liked. And there was one beer that I tried and really loved, though I'm not sure if it's in the same way I'd love wine or not, because right now wine seems a bit more attractive to me. I never simply lost interest in my ex as it sounds like you had, I ended up going through a really painful breakup because his severe depression and suicidal ideation was pulling me into a breakdown of my own and I just couldn't handle it. I was still really in love with him when we broke up, but I had to do it for my own sanity. The impact the relationship had on me, when it was good and when it was bad, was very strong, which is why I guess I'm trying to reassure myself now that my feelings weren't in error. Reading all of your posts and thinking on it is definitely a help and giving me a better perspective on it.
It requires a tremendous amount of perseverance and strength, but you can take control of your mind and it's nefarious tricks. If the mind can place such doubt and problem, surely these can be replaced with confidence and solution. There is nothing wrong with taking time to reflect, but too much time reflecting is time being robbed. In a way, yes, I am. We are all dealt out in this world, to different towns, with different people, and different resources from which to utilize. Some have it easier in some regard, and more difficult in another, while elsewhere it may be the total opposite. While it is essential to make use of our situation, to get the most out of it, the total focus shouldn't be here. Live is ticking away, second by second, and we should be living it. One can reach conclusions by thinking and meditation, but it is experience that ultimately confirms whether or not something is obtainable, or just a figment. Though you may be nervous, just remember something, all of this confusion and thought-dabbling may simply be a flexible sort of love. You may be receptive to various types and strengths of attraction and emotion, and this is wonderful in itself. It means you possess the potential to receive and to give that which, sadly, so many do not. You can change the world, or at least somebody with this. You just have to be out there; maybe not totally open, but at least out there to provide it.
TheStormInside, I feel like your story parallels mine so well. I have crushed on guys in the past but I also remember moments of concern that I was gay as young as 11/12, and I also remember wanting to kiss my friend on the cheek before going to sleep at age 7, so I have definitely had romantic feelings for girls that I just suppressed. But in bed things were sometimes um, easier to get started with guys than with girls, but with girls I have a self-consciousness that I don't have when hooking up with guys. So even though I'm only interested in dating women now, that's always something I think about, how easy hooking up with guys was for me in the past and how my first relationship (with a guy) made me feel. I think it's important to treat this as a process, that you won't know everything right away, and if you must put a label on yourself then maybe you are bisexual and capable of both types of relationships but in different ways. I'm still struggling with the fact that I have different preferences with guys and different preferences with girls. And even within a gender my preferences differ in terms of personality traits and physical characteristics. I'm not sure how to reconcile that in a way that I'll feel like I won't regret something later on. I guess it's just important to be honest with feelings at every step of the way. That being said it's been a year and a half since I came out to myself and I still don't know where exactly I lie on the spectrum of preferences, and some days I swing one way and other days I swing the other. I hope it subsides eventually...
Yeah, I know what you mean. It's something that's bothering me as well from time to time and I feel like I need some more confirmation, preferably some real life experience with a woman to know for sure. I kind of hate that though because I think that if I felt for men the same way I do for women I wouldn't doubt I like men. On the other hand there's nothing wrong with trying some "wine", is it? Especially when wine seems a bit more attractive to you right now.
Kaiser- You make a good points. I am a very "in my own head" sort of person, so I suppose I'm naturally inclined toward this excessive naval gazing. I see what you mean about experience, though, and I know I will eventually have to move forward and step out of myself and my comfort zone if I am to improve my life. I'm honored you think so much of me, I'm not sure I can live up to all that, but it was very kind of you to say :icon_redf wanderinggirl- It does sound like there are a lot of parallels in our stories. I apologize if this is ignorant or too forward but is it possible that hooking up with guys feels easier for you simply because the physical act is more direct? Thanks for sharing your story, it helps to know others are dealing with the same thing, and that even with the uncertainty you've been able to have relationships with people regardless of gender. I've read a lot of people using the phrase "coming out to myself," and it's a concept I'm not totally familiar with. Does this mean basically recognizing you're queer in some way? And does it refer to knowing where you fall, or acceptance? Or the whole process in between? paris- Yeah, you're right, I wouldn't be questioning myself if I felt my only preference was for men. And you're also right, nothing wrong with trying some wine :lol:
