I have to admit that I did not really know what a lesbian or even the word gay was until sixth grade and I was given a very negative meaning of the orientation/word. I had a group of friends in sixth grade and I had one friend who was my best friend and who I was very close with, I used to spend time with her alone at lunch away from the rest of the group and just talk about life. But, I do remember my other friend was very judgmental and I remember one day at lunch she was accusing me of spending time with my other friend more than her and the rest of the group because I must have been a lesbian. At the time I thought that was a very bad thing to be and I even remember screaming super loudly, " NO I AM NOT A LESBIAN." I feel like if I had been given a more positive meaning of the word lesbian at the time I would have been able to figure my sexuality out more faster. Now, fast foreword a year later and I met a girl and her girlfriend online ( the first two lesbians I ever 'met' technically) and I remember as I learned more about how loving and sweet a same sex relationship could be and heard them discuss their lives and how much they loved each other I became more open to the idea of me wanting a same sex relationship and that was the year I remember I became a bit more sexually open to the same sex until I tried to forget about it but ended up in love with a friend a year or two later. My point is, when we hear negative descriptions of a word, regardless of whether or not they actually are really negative or not, it causes us to be confused and go along with it. I always wonder what would have happened to me if I had not been set back by having been given a crude and stupid negative definition of lesbian from a little sixth grade girl who thought she was the bomb diggity for having two boyfriends in a year.
Yes, unfortunately, negative connotations have really set me back. The first time I heard the word "lesbian" I was in 7th or 8th grade, I think. At the time I had no knowledge of homosexuality at all. And it was used to gossip about a science teacher we had who I liked quite a lot, but people talked about it like it was a terrible thing. I remember thinking "No way, she can't be like that, she's so great!" Of course now I realize my feelings probably should have been "She's so great, what's wrong with that?" Later on in Junior High I was accused of being a lesbian because I was "staring" at one of the popular girls in my gym class. I had in all honesty been doing nothing of the kind, I am the type who is in my head a lot, and I'd simply been thinking, and coincidentally must have been gazing in her direction. Either way, that launched a rather horrendous year of school, where she and her friends taunted and tormented me for being gay whenever they could. I feel guilty about it, though I know I can't change my thoughts, but I still dislike the term "lesbian" and cringe a little when I hear it. I imagine it's because of this experience :/ . I hope with time I'll get past that, as it's possible it is indeed part of my identity. Having exposure to it here and in other media where the term is used more casually and naturally does appear to be helping.
It was the same with me... when I first heard the word "lesbian" it was from girls in my class who would use it as an insult. I still don't like the word a great deal, and it's probably because of that. They used to treat it as something creepy and freakish. They were also very immature :/ once we were doing something that involved a map of Europe and someone pointed out Lisbon in Portugal and almost everyone started laughing.
being a lesbian: Stop, no. Effect how I presented myself to co-workers and family? Yes. Transitioning: stop, no. Delay? Yes . I wish society had been more open when I was in high school. I waited until college and it has cost me more pain and money than it had to.
I remember one summer when I was 12 or so I had some gayish thoughts, because I subsequently panicked about being gay and how awful would that be and what would I do? I didn't find it worth exploring so I just put it in the back of my mind for the next X years. To me at the time there was nothing worse; I wasn't even going to entertain the thoughts because I wanted so badly to be "normal". So yeah negative connotations affected my ability to come out.
