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Using others as a barometer for sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by wanderinggirl, May 11, 2014.

  1. wanderinggirl

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    Does it make any sense to question the validity of things I've been going through based on other peoples' reactions to my coming out?

    I've heard tons of stories of people coming out to friend and their friends saying: "I knew it!" I got some support, but it threw me that a few close friends were like "I had no idea, you always seemed so straight." (to which I replied that I wasn't gay, just bi, so I always was attracted to guys just not exclusively).

    Does anyone else have that experience?
     
  2. Karabeara

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    I haven't set my sexuality in stone but I have come out as lesbian to 2 friends. They both said that they had never pictured me as a lesbian. One of them straight up told me that it was cool if I was but she didn't think I was a lesbian. However the only reason I haven't sworn off boys yet is because I'm young and I know sexuality grows and so I'm waiting until I'm older to come out and really define myself. But yeah I had the same reaction.
     
  3. MyLittleWorld

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    I came out to my classmate and her jaw dropped and she sat like that for about a minute lol. She said that she thought I was straight... oh well.

    I am kinda boyish girl and I had people say that I look "gay"... I took it as a compliment. Who cares.
     
  4. BookDragon

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    Unless your friends are imaginary friends or literal mind readers, no, I would not question yourself based on their reactions.

    Keep in mind coming out of the closet wouldn't be so difficult if we'd all grown up thinking we could express this side of us without negative consequences. So a lot of people don't show any signs of it with good reason! Why WOULD they know?
     
  5. biAnnika

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    I'm not sure I get the question, but I'll try.

    Are you asking if it makes sense to question whether you're actually bi (or gay or non-straight of whatever stripe) just because friends didn't anticipate it? Didn't see it?

    Absolutely not. Even if you were actively working to give off clear signs of non-straightness, you can't expect people to get that message. Straightness is *such* a default assumption in our society that many can't see variance even when it stares them in the face.

    Question yourself if *you* can't really see it; question yourself as a bisexual if you're not really sure you're into both sexes (at least to some degree, at least sometimes), or if you note that sexual experiences with one sex or the other are generally much less satisfying than with the other.

    But don't question yourself because people who have been trained all their lives not to see queerness can't see queerness.
     
  6. wanderinggirl

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    biAnnika, I'm saying that many people show signs without meaning to, and sometimes their friends know before they do, and when I got surprised reactions from some of my best friends it in turn surprised me.

    But what you're saying is true. I think my first dating experience out of the closet was with this girl who pushed me to admit I'm gay and she didn't totally believe I was bi, so then I went back to questioning all these things and I wondered, if I were gay, why none of my friends anticipated that I was not straight. The answer is I'm not gay, of course, but I think at the time I was feeling pressure from both sides to prove I was either not gay or not straight. I stopped trusting my instincts, so I kindof started thinking about my friends' reactions as a way of determining what I was really into.

    I hope that makes some kind of sense.
     
  7. ChromeNerd

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    I was like this as well. I tried to come out as gay when I was fourteen, but everyone was so shocked and didn't believe me. I don't blame them, I used to pretend to like guys. I even dated one guy. When I tried to come out to him he didn't believe me either. Even though he broke up with me because of my lack of affection. After that I really started to question myself. For a few years I thought I was bi just because I thought some guys looked attractive and no one would believe I'm gay. I also have OCD, so that really messed with my mind. When I came out as bi no one acted shocked or told me it was a phase. That made me believe that I was bi even more. Hopefully as I get older I won't question myself just because of what other people say.
     
  8. wolf of fire

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    I'm in the closet and most people presume I'm gay or bi
     
  9. TheStormInside

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    Sometimes people do give off unintentional "signals" that are associated with homosexuality,one big stereotype of course being the very feminine guy who speaks in a high voice and gestures loosely with his hands. The truth is while these traits are usually associated with gayness they still aren't exactly a definite indicator, but things like this can sort of "tip off" friends or family to the possibility that one might be gay.

    Just because you don't fit the stereotypes other people pick up on doesn't mean you aren't gay or aren't bisexual. Some people do fit the stereotypes, and that is why they exist in the first place, but it's not the case for everyone. It's not as though gay or bisexuals have a mark on the forehead that others can see that we cannot. I think it's ok to trust yourself, rather than others, when it comes to a matter as internal and personal as this one.
     
  10. biAnnika

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    Indeed some people do give off signals. But some people don't at all. And some people aren't capable of reading those signals when they are extremely apparent to others.

    For these reasons, I believe it's not only "ok" to trust your own sense of your sexual interests...I think it only makes sense.

    Wg, it makes complete sense to me that a person would want to look to external signs, rather than come to such a potentially far-reaching conclusion on one's own. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether your friends can believe information about your sexuality, or had anticipated it...it matters only whether you're happy and fulfilled with the choices you've made for what partners to share yourself with.
     
  11. GeekMonkey

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    I really wouldn't let that make you insecure in your sexual orientation, because people tend to have very stereotypical views of gay people.
    Straight people don't have that magic instinct that tells them when someone is gay or whatever.
    Only you can know who you like, what feels right and how you wish to identify and live your life.

    That being said, I actually got the " I already thought so" comments quite a few times, and I look as stereotypically feminine as it gets.
    Apparently it's not my looks but my behaviour, the way I talk and carry myself.