I've been bullied throughout my life, pretty much from middle school on. I fit a couple of the stereotypes of gay, I have a close-to-stereotypical gay voice, I enjoy hobbies and activities that only girls enjoy typically, apparently how I walk is gay too. And I feel attraction toward men. However I can never ever picture myself in a relationship with another man. I totally support gay couples and rights, but the thought of me being in a relationship or being involved with another man does not appeal to me at all. However, I want a relationship with a woman. I want to get married to a woman and have children and a family. But I cannot deny this feeling. My physical attraction is to men. Emotional attraction to women. I don't know what to do and I feel so alone..
There's a popular question around here: "Imagine having a threesome with a man and a woman. Who would get the most attention from you?". Either way, you seem to either be pan or bi. Research on these two subjects would be a good course of action.
A lot of gay men, in their teens and often beyond, find that most of their friends, and their emotional connections, are to women. This doesn't mean they're straight or even bi. It just means that it is easier for them to connect with women emotionally. Nobody can tell you what your sexual orientation is; that's for you to find out and figure out for yourself. But I can say that as most gay men are coming to terms with who they are, they often go through the sort of reasoning/justification process you are doing right now. Any time we process a loss (in this case, if I'm correct, the loss of perception that you're straight), there are stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So denial and anger are pretty obvious; bargaining often looks like "OK, I know I feel attractiion to guys, but I'm really grossed out by the idea of being with a guy and so I'm confident I can still end up with a girl, a house with a white picket fence, and 2.3 children and a dog" Or some variation of that. Note that there are also pieces of denial in there; the stages of loss aren't sequential. So... nobody can tell you what you're experiencing, except you, but what you are describing is something that almost everyone who now accepts him or herself as gay has, at one point, gone through. I know this isn't what you want to hear. And it's just my opinion. So take it and everything else you hear, give it time, let it sit, and think about it. There's no immediate need to label yourself or to accept one thing or another. One thing to keep in mind: If you are gay or bi, it's who you are. You can't change it, but you can learn to love yourself exactly as you are. And the more you talk about it, the more comfortable you'll get with whatever the outcome is.
Thank you, I totally understand what you're saying and that's how I've felt. But I still can't figure it out. And as much as I accept gay people being gay, I could never accept myself as gay. I would honestly rather have not been born than to be gay. I know that's harsh and I in no way dislike gay people, it's just not something I could ever imagine.
