i thought i was straight for a long time. ok, thats not true, i denied my sexual attraction to anyone other than guys for years. this year i joined a showchoir, and well in showbiz, there are only a rare few straight people. without coming out, i was able to realize and sort of come to terms with my bisexuality through them. i came out to 4 of my best friends, 2 guys 2 girls, to discover that one of the guys i told, who is currently dating my best chic friend, has dated guys before. the girl he is dating also came out as bi to me after i told her.so i was happy being bi and not aloe in it. but now that i have decided that im bi for sure, things push me over the edge. i have self harmed before because i am bipolar and have anxiety. even though im atheist, i go to a catholic high school where religion class is mandatory. today, my teacher basically spent the entire period explaining why anyone other than straight people are wrong and bad. i hadnt cut in 57 days but tonight i relapsed because i let it get to me. how do i protect myself and not let homophobic comments effect me so much?
First, stop. Stop thinking about all the negative, and stop accepting it. Easier said than done, I know, but I've been where you are. What I thought and felt were at odds with what I heard and was told, and there wasn't anything to connect with -- I felt alienated; on the outside. I have learned that this world has three motives behind actions. Power, or more of it. Wealth, or more of it. Benefit, or more of it. Even when a decision is made out of love, it is done with the benefit of some regard or manner. It's whether or not you make the decision to do good, or to do unto. People tend to be cruel because it's easier, or because it's all they know. Very rarely are people cruel due to pure evil, it is usually for something that they believe best. And they lose their compassion in exchange for at-all-costs results. You're a human being. You have feelings. Anyone that doesn't take this into consideration, isn't worth considering. From the sound of it, you don't have much choice but to endure. I know, you probably don't want to hear this, that you'll have to be in the Lion's Pit for a little while longer. But you have a unique opportunity right now. You can use this time to discover yourself, to define and strengthen yourself. If you curl up and go soft now, how will you ever learn to establish confidence? If you are being made to feel like sin incarnate, just because you love, then are these people worth your attention? Read the Bible (I can hear several people hissing right now), and get to know this deity that so many use to justify their ignorance, their hatred, and their hypocrisy. You will come to see that it's a book that so much is picked-and-chosen from, and it is rarely consistent when it comes to other matters. This will not only make you a little more intelligent, it'll allow you to see that too many people follow, they don't make any effort to lead. Be unique, be a leader. But to do this, you have learn patience, and endurance. You have to get stronger against hate so that you can become stronger at love. Instead of cutting yourself, use -- as others have mentioned -- markers instead. But go a little further. Write kind words about yourself. Put your best qualities, what you find appealing or attractive about yourself, and things you do that are good or positive. Then look at these, and ask yourself, "Why do I want to deny these to the people in my life who I do love, who I will love?" You're here. Your reason in life may not be to change the world, but it may very well be to change somebody who will's life. Stay strong, and love stronger. I survived, and so will you.
Words of wisdom. I want to second that you should read the Bible. (I'm an atheist as well) It reveals exactly what she said, and gives you the ammunition to stand up for yourself in Christian-speak. In that environment, I think you need to be able to defend yourself against what they're saying, and I also think it would be good for THEM to be exposed to a different way of seeing things. Even so, you'll have to recognize that the claws of religion go VERY deep. I have been an atheist for about 5 years now. When I have gone to church services recently, I find it difficult to even wrap my head around their words anymore because I am so utterly extricated from their ways of thought. Even still, there have been a few occasions where I read or hear a religious person saying something that hits so close to home that my body reacts in ways that shock me. (tearing up, etc) I don't even believe in their words anymore, but just hearing some Christians validate that what the church taught me (regarding homosexuality) has always been wrong, hateful, and poisonous gets me to react very emotionally. No matter how logically you disagree with them, Christianity start so young and it is so all pervasive and incessant that is incredibly difficult to NOT let them cut into your being. Your reaction is understandable. However, I suggest you find a place that uplifts you for the next time those emotions hit you. If there is a particular blog that inspires you to feel good about who you are on a deep level, or maybe keep a quote book to collect inspiring thoughts. I would even include a few religious ones. Just like I still react to those things, you may find them comforting as well. I think it may be the idea that there are others out there who believe the same book and hold such loving views that makes a big difference. Not only are you not alone, but those people preaching hate don't even represent everyone who worships their god. Just an idea. ((((hugs))))
