im sorry but i had to repost this again, i cant read my preivous post .im sorry for the long post its tough for me to keep this short.. i need help, your attention and advice.. here is my story ( again please forgive the long post). ( please forgive me for using the term "shemale"...i respect trans women you gals rock ). I have been a wreck ever since may of 2013 what happened back in may to date During my last year at university i was simply doing my coursework at home..i was dealing with my current OCD which was focused around religion (note my ocd is not diagnosed, but i have had many obessions my whole life, some very strange ones)..i was reading comments about religious debates ( im an atheist, my family are not religious or anti gay right wing Christians) whilst doing university course work..something came over me and i googled the words "is it gay to like shemale porn ?".i read a comment that said "its gay to like shemale porn", i have been addicted to shemale porn for 5 + years ( I LOVE IT).since the age of 19 onwards i have been viewing it and enjoying a lot whilst watching straight porn and masturbating to women ( I always assumed i was heterosexual). i then tested myself with straight porn, and something happened that freaked me the fuck out, i saw myself as the girl sucking that dick...not only did this freak me out but scared the shit out of me..it turned me on from that day on wards i have been compulsively testing myself with gay porn and questioning my sexuality..and you know what.. more than a few gay porn clips turned me on more than straight porn ( i never watched gay porn before). when i stepped out side i was SO afraid of finding members of the same sex as physically attractive, and its been a mind game of compulsively being afraid of being attracted to guys. ( at times i feared being attracted to family members and there body parts) i have been depressed, increased nicotine habit and developed a drinking problem. these behaviors are consistent with someone who is confronted with denial. i was HORRIBLY afraid that I may be bisexual, and went back and forth with my counselor about it..and for months was depressed and obsessive with the fact that i may not be straight...( at the time i didnt feel being gay was possible, i have shown too much of attraction to women, although now im not so sure, i may have been in denial).. one evening i told myself to get real, i was looking at erect cocks in shemale porn and getting aroused ( not straight), i was turned on by some gay porn and the idea of being "bottom" turns me on( not straight), i have shown some attraction to guys ( not straight), i have had some bisexual/gay fantasies (had more straight fantasies, but again not straight). after i put things aside i realized, that it wasn't such a big deal and that i could have the life i always wanted with women.. but the problem was, after a while i started to fear that i may be GAY, its now the one thing i fear and dread ( which points the finger in the direction to the fact that i could be gay)..i had to find out and started to masterbate to pictures of naked men to test my orientation ( and pondered what kind of bisexual was I ?) and found that one day ( although i kept losing wood possibly due to anxiety) i came and had an intense rush while jerking off to a picture of a naked guy..and then onward just thought im either gay or bi.. My attraction to women: from the young age of 6 or 7 I always crushed on girls, i remember the first time ever fell in love with a girl who lived on my road.. i actually loved her for years and at times stayed up late at night thinking about her loved her from around 6 to the age of 12. there where other girls i crushed on ( my older sisters friends) other girls my age.. i never really had an icky factor towards women..i was even drawn to womens feet at a young age... womens feet would turn me on..i would masterbate to women in straight porn.. when adolescence came around it was only women i masturbated to, in porn, in my head and in real life.. I would fap to many girls and want their attention. i would get boners to them and crave their attention..i even remember jerking off in class ( under the table ) to girls sitting next to me, i was obsessed.. but never have i had full sex, or even been kissed by a girl. even in my 20s i would cum super hard to heterosexual fantasies, be super excited for that morning wank to Angelina jolie, jodie foster, leslie mann or even be turned on by the female form.. womens legs and feet were a turn on for me, even in real life my eyes are drawn to their feet...i even liked mature milfs, womanly curves etc.. high heels lingerie, make up etc..but now im not sure... shemales: at the age of early 19, i discovered shemale porn, and discovered cock, i loved it..it was different new and exciting...and have been a part of my sexual fantasies since. i even said to myself once "cocks seem so much more exciting than vaginas, you can do more with a cock"..vagina are now dull in comparison and gross, some are nice to look at and some are just arent..but i think i may have developed a false (OCD revulsion, i never had a problem with the sight of vaginas before) attraction to guys: during university i notice some attraction to a few guys, once i kept staring at the feminine looking guy from my class and foudn it almost instinctive how i keep staring at him...at one stage i even thought that if he wanted to take me now and make out i would so try it.. i noticed another dude at in a pub, it was telling that I was noticing some physical attraction to guys.... even when a gay family friend asked if I was gay the shemale porn and attraction to guys i had lingered in the back of my head.. testing my heterosexuality: im a virgin and I had to test my hetero side, I acted out and got a handjob and a blowjob from two different (female) sex workers...I was excited to be in presence of a naked woman for the first time my heart was racing...but I kept analyzing and not sure if I was turned on enough by her body I enjoyed but they weren't memorable experiences ( my counselor said "anyone, gay bi or straight could enjoy those experiences". the second experience was annoying she looked depressed and was putting me off and the blowjob felt weird, it wasn't what I was expecting( my first BJ)...and her nipples were a turn off..although I think I was excited by the rest of her body... and I came pretty fast ( even with a condom, and even while I was OCDing).. why i could be gay I remember once having a same sex experience when I was 6 or 7 I touched erect penises with another guy, but im not sure if that counts as my orientation wasn't "defined" even at that age i liked girls.. cocks and the idea of being bottom excites me more ( generally gay related acts).. I used the bisexual label almost as a way of bargaining with myself that I could have the normal "straight life" relationships ( love, romance and with girls) vaginas now seem gross (not entirely, some are nice and they have excited me a lot in the past) and im not sure if this is the biproduct of excessive shemale porn use I have cum harder to gay related themes and sometimes feels that im not 100% honest with myself and that I am stuck I am afraid of confronting it in the fullest, I am afraid that one day inner gayness is just going to explode and I will break down crying and realising I was gay all along I obsessed over my sexuality when I was around 7 but im pretty sure that was OCD related i had learnt a new swear word which was "gay" and asked "what if you're gay?", I have had many other obsessions( intrusive thoughts of harming people, defecation of religious figures/deceased people, constantly checking appliances and locks until im tired, obsessing over religion NOTE: never grew up in a anti gay/religious setting..obsessing over crazy things like impregnating a family member if i jerked off in the bath tub..extreme superstition..pinching and punching myself if i had a "bad thought" or hearing a particular song on the radio and conducting many many rituals, not stepping on the last step of the stairs, the mat in my house, at one point if i thought of Eminem or heard a song it would cause "bad luck" etc....my ocd obsessions have been a wide spectrum..theres more i could type up.But i should get it diagnosed). I had some bi/gay fantasies that turned me on before my questioning phase and unconsciously noticed males in uni ( although for the most part my fantasies involved trans women and normal women). i don't want to be gay and the label is unattractive to me, and the bi label seems better ( fitting but better) I never really liked lesbian porn ( although I did masturbate to solo girls), I liked the girl doing sexy things to the dick I show some consistency with the "bi now, gay later" threads on this site and the 5 stages of grief.. i have felt anxious and depressed after getting off to gay porn ( during my tests) why i could be bi I have shown a little too much of an attraction to women growing up majority of my fantasies where straight womens legs and feet turned me on almost instinctively ( why?, gay guys dig guys legs and feet) even breasts turned me on. I never forced myself to jerk off to women, it just happened..women were sexually attractive I liked milfs, why ? I masturbated to plain Janes, and not your typical hot girls... had a ranging taste I crushed on girls in my infancy..and it was never forced.. I have been erect by the sight of women IRL it was pretty natural to me guys I appreciate you reading my story, im sorry for it beign long I need support and I feel like shit..i hated empty closets (but decided to make friends with it )....im tired of being afraid all the time..i even came out to many people as bi/gay ( and "possibly gay" to my mother, friends family etc..). I dread the gay label for a reason, and that reason could be simply because its true, or because im OCDing ( not entirely likely although my religous OCD has subsided and this is my current focus ) or simply because its a common fear/phase for bisexuals. I hate anxiety I get when im confronted with gay porn and I hate my life..:icon_sad: even when i say its ok and obsess over my orgasm to gay related themes i feel shitty after i now spend a lot of time crying over women/girls and afraid that my attraction to them is gone ( maybe it is, i have a boob and vagina fear now although i did enjoy lactating porn in the past:/)..listening to heartbreaking music like elliott smith.. its funny, at first i was "deathly afraid" of being bi now im deathly afraid of being gay
1. You seem attracted to guys and girls, which means you're probably somewhere under the bi umbrella. 2. Porn is bad. I get the appeal, but it distorts sexual expectations and can make your tastes more 'extreme'. 3. Shemales is a horrible word and it's an awkward thing really, because I believe most are just pre-op/non-op trans people, which means the whole "best of both worlds" thing that people seem to think will be short lived.
i love trans women, i think they are brave people forgive me for using the term i mean no harm, i am simply referring to a porn term it means no offence on my behalf
I was just saying, 'cause it might offend someone who'll read this. I know you didn't mean any harm by it though. Bravery is an attractive quality, but it's not gender related. Any attraction to transmen? Or non-binary genders?
transmen not so much, although i have some romantic/attraction to my heroes of rock n role but not so much sexualised adnn their guys.. i did at one stage watch " men with vaginas " or male to female trans porn but focused on the vagina..its wierd...i like "not so normal porn"...
where is chip? the reality of the situation is, I don't want to be gay deep down..adn deep down I think I very well could be gay.. its about pushing past the fear...and excepting it.. but I also need to move on with my life. im saddened with the fact that a womens beauty may never have been "wired" for me...I mean they're gorgeous at times and I am sad and I feel like im missing out ( this could be the "grief" phase). im not sure maybe it is..maybe their "beauty" is wrapped around denial- in a sense that I really don't find them sexually attractive and im using that as an excuse to not own up to the fact that im just afraid of being gay...im not sure it seems like a mix of not wanting to be gay and being heartbroken with losing physical attraction of women...it feels like a great loss.. but I also must own up to the fact that guys may be the real beauty, fuck knows
personally im sick and tired of all these mental head games, testing myself with gay and straight fantasy's in my head...on a computer screen IRL by staring at people.. its draining and tiresome
had a same sex fantasy it was easier to be more intense then the straight ones, the straight ones although intense took longer ( but again possibly due to nerves). both fantasies feel good but I think theres a big gay part of me that I simply haven't experienced. im beginning to think that I may just be well...GAY either one bi or gay is fine... I think its a little funny considering the sexual attraction I have show to women throughout my life..maybe the gay side of me that has become dormant and I have not yet experienced it... don't want to sound like im bargaining but I suppose its also possible that after experiencing the gay side it may "balance out" or who knows id probably end up gayer than Elton john.. either one is fine im gonna stop caring about girls for now, its a torture to keep feeling a heartbreak towards women
I don't think it's easy to discern a clear answer here because of the OCD. However, you might get some clarification by trying masturbation without porn and alternately ( in different sessions) thinking/fantasizing about men and then about women. You should be able to notice some sort of difference in response. I do think it would probably be good to try and wean yourself away from porn at least for a while because particularly with the shemale porn (sorry folks, that's what the industry calls it) and your obsessive traits, I think it is just confusing matters. Finally, you referenced seeing a counselor. Are you actively working on this with him/her? What sort of insights are coming of that?
You sound like you have OCD, I can see some text book OCD symptoms such as the obsessing and compulsive testing. My advice to you? Stop watching the porn and masturbating, it's a bad indicator for people with OCD who are worried about their sexuality, so I would stop that. Check out the site "yourbrainonporn" for a better understanding. I think the best advice I can offer you is to go to a professional and do CBT therapy. It sounds like your bisexual fantasies of men do not scare you, which is something that usually separates straight OCD sufferers who fear being gay/bi versus someone who is just confused. BUT you won't know for sure because you have compulsions and obsessions which isn't doing you much good. You need to ease yourself off the porn and masturbation and do therapy and just take it easy. First, your goal should be to handle your OCD or chances are even if you get over your sexual orientation obsessions, you'll still have OCD and will probably chances are find something else to obsess over later down the rode. So, first priority should be to get a grip of OCD and then once the OCD is gone, then you'll probably know what you want.
thanks hun for your input...i appreciate it..but im not straight at all and more than probably gay..if i do turn out bisexual then i will ignor it i dont care anymore and i dont care if it sounds childish
If that means giving up on labels, it sounds like an amazining insight. For someone with your problem, getting rid of lables would get rid of the bad focus. It doesn't matter what you feel, as long as you feel comfortable feeling it. That's about all the advice I can give, I'll leave the more qualified advice to others. Good luck!
"you'll still have OCD and will probably chances are find something else to obsess over later down the rode" i have obsessions one after the other...somtimes its "dormant" in the sense.. if i find somthing terrible to obsess about i wont stop ---------- Post added 16th May 2014 at 03:56 PM ---------- oh hey chip, didnt see that you were there.. me and my counselor have come to the conclusion that im not straight ( we would of known by now). im gonna stop watching porn.. when i masterbate to men in my head its tough as i keep getting afraid..but recently of noticed that it gets me off and i think somtimes faster or more intense than girls although i jerked off to a sexual fantasy involving women and had that old "climax" i use to, it made m laugh.. personally i need to except myself as gay and move on with my life, there will be plenty of loses on the way... maybe i wasnt really in it for gals..i could see myself rmonatically involved with guys.. Im not straight and more than likely gay especially considering the fact that i used the bisexual label as a "bargain".. i need to except it which is why i am here
