Alright, this has been on my mind so frequently that I may need some help. I'm almost 20, and haven't had a REAL relationship. In junior high, I "went out" with a guy for a month or so, and in elementary school, I went out with a guy for a while. Anyways, I enjoyed doing this because I guess I felt I was seen as "cool" and/or "popular", by my peers at the time. I could connect with them. I guess I liked the IDEA of being taken by someone. I even remember enjoying kissing my junior high boyfriend. Anyways, I now ask myself "hell, if I liked these guys when I was younger, maybe I still like guys now?" When I look at a guy, I more think he looks good on an aesthetic level, as in "I'd wear that". It's never "he's really hot". When I see girls that I find attractive (select few, surprisingly), it's weird... I don't really know how to describe it. I don't know if it's REAL attraction? I mean, like I said, I've never really been in a relationship with a girl, so I wouldn't know if I'd enjoy the sexual side of it? When I imagine it, I definitely think I'd enjoy it. But I've never REALLY experienced it, and that's where my problem comes in. I'm not out, I can't even LOOK for a girlfriend. What happens if I come out, deal with all of the shit that comes with it, and then decide "nope, this isn't what I thought it was"? It's a catch-22. I'm 100% sure no one looks at me and says "she's straight". Most people think I'm a guy anyways, short hair and all. That's just it, I can't see myself BEING a girlfriend in a straight relationship. It just doesn't fit me. I can imagine maybe being a girlfriend in a gay relationship, fixing the car, mowing the grass, etc. Kind of like doing the stereotypical "male" roles in the relationship. But how am I sure I'd enjoy it physically if I've never tried it?
