Hi people, hope your all good. Im looking for a bit of advice, ill try and explain myself but if this ends up coming out as a load of waffle i apologise in advance I live in London, UK and im a 27 year old guy. Ive always identified as straight however I have always had a feelings of being attracted towards guys secretly but have only ever really pursued or instigated sex with girls. I have however not had a proper relationship with a girl since i was about 18. Ive had quite a lot of encounters with girls over the years, however the though of having a relationship has always made me back off and not want to commit which i have always struggled with. Over the past couple of years all my mates have naturally found girlfriends and began to settle down but i have continued to just have encounters (with girls) which of late have become less and less regular. Im currently back at University studying and so have made new friends. I reckon deep down ive always had a feeling of wanting to have some time away from family and friends where im from and explore this other side of myself i.e. go and and see whether i like guys, girls both or whatever. The problem is im terrified of letting anyone know that i even am curious about trying stuff with a guy, even to strangers, and so i havent really got anywhere further (ive been in London now for nearly 2 years) what wih my new friends thinking im straight. Ive started to lose confidence with girls and the last couple of times (although i was very drunk) i couldnt seem to stand to attention for any length of time(for want of a better phrase). This has been a massive hit to my self esteem. I like to think of myself as a decent guy and recently i feel guilty towards girls who are showing an interest in me, which i think is due to the doubts i have in my mind as to whether i could ever commit to them. Ive gotten to a point where i feel i need to really work out what im really looking for as i feel a bit like my life is standing still until i do. I also feel quite lonely, even though i have a lot of friends most of them now have other halfs and its always me who just has to go home alone to an empty bloody bed. I seem to accept that i might be bisexual or even perhaps gay but then as soon as it comes to persuing anything whether in terms of just sex or friendships/relationships, i dont know where to go,or seem to have the confidence to get out and do it. I want to explore things and be sure before i contemplate coming out and telling some friends and family if thats what i decide i need to do. Its become harder as ive got older as people are always asking 'why havent you got a girlfriend and i always just say im too busy or i like being single, but i know for the fact people think its weird. Without meaning to sound like a dick ive had quite a few girls interested in me some of whom have been pretty attractive and really nice girls who i have not persued things with, and this has surely raised questions in the minds of family and friends. This also plays on my mind as I always think that people will talk about me behind my back. I think for years i buried it so deep that i didnt admit to myself i was anything other than straight but the past couple of years i have slowly been coming to terms with the fact that if i dont act upon my feelings at some point i will probably regret not just enjoying life when i was young. (or youngish). Im not sure how to go about exploring my sexuality without telling my firends and family first (most of which i think would be pretty suprised and some of which i dont think would be too accepting) Ive tried going on apps like ****** but get too sh*t scared to actually meet anyone. It just seems such an alien world to me but at the same time im intrigued by it all. Im not sure what im really looking for in terms of advice but ive never opened up my feelings before and i feel like thats half the problem i have. I think with london being a quite a big city i thought it would be easy to go out anonymously but i feel like i might look like a bit of a dope going out to a gay bar on my own. Im usually an outgoing guy who likes to chat and make friends but im scared if i just end up going to a bar and sitting there id look like some kind of creep. Id dread the question coming 'so who are you here with' and me saying 'oh im here on my own' I reckon if i was being chat up and someone said that it would probably put me off staright away. Im a bit at my wits end as i think a few years ago i thought id be in a relationship by now, but now the feeling of frustration and loneliness is getting more intense and if i dont do something soon im scared ill become depressed and stop being the outgoing positive person ive always grown up being Thanks for reading, and sorry if this makes no sense but i could really do with some guidence in some form or another. Ive considered going to a councillor to talk things through but i cant really afford it what with being a poor student at the moment. I know ive read a bit on here of older guys coming out at like 40, but being 27 im getting scared everyone knows secretly that i might be and the only person im kidding is myself. I think the fact that i keep it to myself is making me slightly paranoid that everyones talking about it when in reality im sure theyre all more concered with their own lives and relationships. :bang: Thanks again for reading :icon_bigg
