Okay, so I'm 33, never dated guys, and until last year, never dated a girl either. She was a co-worker, obviously lesbian. I found myself having a pretty major crush on her. I've had crushes on guys, but never that strong. Around Halloween, it all came out that she liked me too. The problem was, she kept breaking up with and then getting back together with her girlfriend. So we would start talking, just to have her go back to her girlfriend, start talking again once they broke up, repeat. After the second time, I vowed not to get sucked in again. But then my mother passed away unexpectedly earlier this year. I was devastated, still am, but having (let's call her Alex) Alex around helped so much. Beyond anything romantic, we were strong friends. The romance started up again, and since I was feeling so vulnerable, I gave in. It never went beyond kissing and some touching, even though I wanted more. I found out that she once again went back to her ex, without telling me, and this time her ex dumped her and is with someone else. Alex is practically inconsolable. When I found out, I withdrew, and when she kept asking me why, I wrote her a letter telling her I knew everything that she'd been trying to hide, that I knew that while she may have loved me as she said she did, she was always IN love with her ex. She has yet to really talk about it, but she hasn't denied anything, just said that I know everything now. I loved her so much, and she barely will even talk to me now. Losing her right after losing my mom, when I felt like she was my rock hurts like hell. And I can't even sort out my feelings anymore. Do I like guys? Girls? I'm leaning more toward girls, but it's hard to know. My one experience hasn't been too positive. And I was molested when I was little by a trusted male adult, so I can't say my experience with guys is good at all either. So while I have been attracted to men, I'm afraid of them. If that makes any sense. I find myself being strongly attracted to masculine or androgynous women. I want to date, but I'm still so unsure of myself, and I have a lot of baggage. Any advice?
Do you go to a psychologist? It'll help a lot with your past trauma. Also, just because of this bad experience doesn't mean you should give up on dating girls (unless if you don't really want to date them). Heal all of your wounds first and then you can start dating :3 Hope I helped, even if just a little.
Thanks for replying BlueBerryHearts. No, I don't go to a psychologist. I probably should, I just don't know if I can.
