Long post is long. Please read it. So… I am on my 20’s and I have been questioning my sexuality for more than ten years now. When I was a kid I used to have “boyfriends” – or what adults would call any boys that I befriended. When I was like 12 or 13, I had a big crush on my best friend – a girl too – and that really confused me. I never had many friends and she was very sweet to me. She was also very beautiful and looked older that we were, like 15 or 17. Since I was studying at the time in a Catholic school and my family is also very Catholic (the gays-are-going-to-hell kind), I never could talk to them about that so I didn’t know how to feel– I don’t think that, at that time, I even knew that gay people, or everyone that doesn’t fits the straight-label, existed. She ended up moving to another city some time later, what put an end to it. I got other crushes, this time on boys, and got a boyfriend for a while – that, should I say, I just hang out. We never did anything remotely like kissing or any other stuff. Then came high school. I changed schools, and surprise! Once more, I crushed on a girl friend for almost two years. I was really jealous of her with her boyfriend – also one of my best friends - but I never said anything to them. It was the first time that I really had a “group” of friends and, unfortunately, they were all very homophobic and I was very afraid of their reaction – I didn’t want to lose them. After that, I had crushes on some boys but they also went nowhere. During high school, I started researching about glbt and, after some time, confusion, anxiety and reflection, I privately started to label myself as bisexual. I am a very shy and private person and also socially awkward, what doesn’t help. I never managed to go to my crushes and say my feelings, because I am too afraid of what they would say and – in the case of the girls - that my parents would know and react badly. Because of all of this, allied to the fact that I am not pretty, resulted in the fact that I had my first relationship –and my first kiss – at only 18 years old with a guy. On the beginning, I really liked him – I wouldn’t say that I was in love, but I was very attracted to his personality and appearance – but when we kissed I just felt nothing. I felt really awkward and just wishing for it to end soon, you know? The worst was that I could see that he liked it but it just did nothing for me. We dated for over one year and never went too much beyond kissing – I could see that he wanted to go further but I wasn’t comfortable with it and he was very cool about that – I should mention that I was also his first girlfriend and kiss. But after sometime I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wasn’t attracted to him and he was so sweet and cool that I just felt terrible about it. I ended up looking at other people during that time– man and woman – but I never acted on it. So I finally broke up with him. Since then I realized that my taste is turning more and more into woman. I still find men attractive but sometimes I really can’t see myself with one. Because of my shyness, I don’t go too much on parties or clubs and I can’t just kiss randomly, so, to this date, I just kissed one person in my entire life. Because of my inexperience, I am very doubtful about who I am. Maybe with some other guy I will like? Or is it that I am a full lesbian? I just don’t know what to think. On the last few months, my feelings and doubts are nearly unbearable – I literally had to bit my tongue sometimes to avoid saying anything. I am very fearful about my parents reaction especially – they are very religious and the few times that I approach anything near glbt I just listen to some stuff that makes me want to cry. Unfortunately, I am still in college and living with them because I simply don’t have the money to move out, so I have to bear it. This is the first time that I talking about this – I never mentioned any of it to my family or my friends – and I really need some advice. I am just so afraid and confused. What do you think? Please help me. (sorry about eventual errors but English is not my first language)
Here goes nothing: I'm no professional but I would safely say that, for now, bi seems to be the right label for you. Even if you have a seemingly strong preference for girls, it sounds like you'd be open to being with a guy too. However, if you can't see yourself with a guy at ALL and you have that gut feeling that being with a guy can't make you happy, then there's a very real possibility you are a lesbian. Whatever course you choose to take in life, you gotta just let it come, go with the flow. Your religion and family might seem to be against you but love triumphs over all things in the end, right? Sorry I wasn't of much help.
I'm not sure on this one. Part of me says lesbian is a possibility since you seem to lack romantic/sexual attraction for men (And It's still possible for lesbians to be attracted to men in other ways), but part of me thinks you could be bi and just haven't found a man you're comfortable with since some attraction is there. All in all It's really up to you to find yourself
My coming out process took/is taking a good year and a half, and it's been a confusing time. I still think it's changing. Take this time to shift your friendships over to less homophobic friends; phase out the closed minded people and try and meet more tolerant people. In the meantime maybe feel it out with your parents to see what their attitude is.
