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I don't know what to think. Advice?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ninety4, May 17, 2014.

  1. ninety4

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2014
    Messages:
    2
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I'm female, 20. And a single mother of a 3 year old. I'm confused about my sexuality. God it's weird typing this! I have never spoke to anyone about how i feel or anything. From a very young age i have felt like i never fit in. Or have been what is expected. I was never interested in Barbies, jewelry or dresses... general girly stuff. I didn't see the fascination other girls had with boys, particularly at this age, celebrity crushes. I was the girl wearing a football kit in a tree with the boys covered in mud! I think i was about 9/10 at school, i had just moved there and pretty much from the first day i was getting name calling, things like 'spag'...'weirdo'...'freak'. which at this age were hurtful words. Then one word stuck 'lesbian'. I didn't even know the meaning for weeks maybe. But this stuck in the background of my school life right until the end. One girl and her friends in particular made me kinda hate myself from about 12-16. Cause i knew by then i did find women attractive, but thought it was just me thinking they were pretty, or had nice hair. But i would look at guys in this way? So i pushed it to the back of my mind. I would have crushes on girls and try to push it back. (i still kind of do) I have until recently convinced myself it to be nothing. Just envy? So i delibratley got a boyfriend, a older one to try and stop the name calling. to 'prove' i wasnt a lesbian. I remember not wanting to sleep with him, but telling myself i had to, to stop it all. So i did, twice. It disgusted me. I didnt have feelings for him emotionally.So i didnt sleep with him again, i thought id gain feelings...being a decent guy he didnt complain...A few months later, i found out i was pregnant. We used a condom, it must have split!...I do not agree with abortion therefor kept my son, who i love unconditionally. remaining celibate with the father throughout the next 2ish years using various excuses. I ended it cause i realized i was never going to love him and it was unfair and making me miserable emotionally. i knew it wasn't the case but convinced myself it was just him. So i tried a relationship with another guy, Nothing changed. The intimate side disgusted me, i never wanted to. i didnt have emotion..........I've had limited experience with other girls, But it feels more natural? Like, i don't know really. More enjoyable? But i will look at a guy and think he's hot? But not want to kiss him or anything else. There is no temptation lets say. I'm not lying to myself anymore. I know i'm attracted to women. That's fact. I wouldn't know how to label myself if someone was to ask, which they don't anymore. My family do not know any of this, nor my friends. Even my best childhood friend who i trust completely. I suppose im insecure maybe? I know they'd be fine with it but i'm just scared, still! Is it weird that i had a child first? What do i tell people and how? Im just finding the whole situation confusing and quite frankly terrifying. But i'm unhappy because of locking my feelings back all these years, i need to release it. I can't hide myself away for the fear of what people will think or say anymore,I need to be me. But what am I? I just dont know where to start or what to say?
     
  2. joijoi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2014
    Messages:
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    Location:
    ohio
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    hi :smilewave there welcome to EC! I completely understand what your going through my situation was similar. I had been in a relationship with my high school sweetheart (male) for 7 yrs we are now 23 & we have a 3 year old together. In my mind i always knew i liked girls from a young age but just pushed it to the back of my mind bcuz i wasn't accepting to those feelings, i have always been a tomboy hanging with the guys, playing basketball, getting dirty, even to this day i'm not as girly. just this year i finally told the truth to myself that i was a lesbian i knew kissing and being intimate with guy disgusted me & bcuz of this I knew i would never be able to give my all to my high-school sweetheart because i wasn't accepting who i really was i felt like i was hiding from everyone the 'real' me. once i came clean to myself it felt so much better & very liberating. I don't find anything wrong that you had a kid first, I did too. some people are married for 10-30 years with families before they realize they have been hiding themselves. you don't have to put a label on yourself you are, who you are. no one can put you in a group or box we're all different and thats the best part of being yourself. all you can do is be honest with yourself which u clearly have done and be honest with your family because at the very least in this life and crazy world, we all deserve to be happy!! (!)

    hope i could help a little :slight_smile:
     
  3. Riddick

    Riddick Guest

    I don't know "what you are" and I would dare not tell you what you are. Neither can anyone else.
    Boy, haven't you been through a lot. All I can factually say is that you like females.
    We go about thinking what others will think or say... And that's okay because its how we as humans are aware of one another.
    Personally I don't think its weird that you had a child first and that's due to how well you've explained it. The course of events in your life, of you trying to figure out what or who you are determine that too. You shouldn't have to explain anything to anyone... Its easy for people to judge and question when they're looking from the outside in...
    Not until you've gone through the unfortunate and challenging times of figuring out your sexuality, can you understand. What I'm saying is its only natural that they'll wonder and question because they're on the outside looking in...
    The fact that you "held back" for all those years should be the reason why you wouldn't even have to explain. Given that you took that long and that amount of time to come out, or figure and share your feelings with the closest people around, should be reason enough not explain
    .
    Its rough times figuring out sexual orientation and I'm guessing you've already determined that, though you're not comfortable with labelling yet. That's understandable given your lack of experience with other females I think. Btw same situation here...


    I don't know but, there's just one thing that's unclear. Are you coming out so that you can finally be free to be in a relationship with other females or are you coming out just so that everyone (friends and family) can know that you're not straight? (But its obvious you're thinking of your friends and family.)

    Honestly wouldn't know anything about coming out or what to do and say. I hope the people of EC who do will guide you on that one.
    Anyway its important to be yourself and to have the chance to do so without being afraid of others and that, I get.

    Just thought I could post my thoughts and opinion after reading the lengthy passage. Wish you all the best and hope I helped even just a little.