I've lived my whole life thinking I'm straight, that I should grow up and get married and have kids because that's what all little girls wanted. I had crushes on guys that lasted a month at most, but I never really crushed on another girl. But when I was in second grade, one of my best friends, a girl, kissed me on the cheek, then looked kinda shocked and said, "Sorry, I don't know why I did that." I was surprised and curious too, and I kinda wanted her to do it again and I wanted to kiss her on the cheek too, even though I was only seven. I've crushed on guys my whole life, thinking some of them are cute, mainly the girly or androgynous ones, and I've thought girls are cute too, but I always told myself 'In the same way a porcelain doll can be cute. You're not attracted to a doll, though." Now, I've started tentatively thinking about what a relationship with a girl would be like. I had a boyfriend once, but I didn't want him go ever touch me, or do anything intimate towards me. I realized I reallyonly liked him as a friend, because he had been nice to me, whereas most guys I didn't know ignored me because I'm not the classic beauty. And that all of the guys I crushed on, I couldn't imagine actually being in romantic or physical relationsyips with them. So I'm thinking I might be lesbian, because I can imagine a very happy romantic and sexual relationship with a woman, but I'm also nervous that I might be lying to myself. This from the person who always thinks she's lying to herself about being sick, even with a thermometer reading of 100+ degrees. But the fear still stands. Its weird. When I crush on male characters in movies, it feels fine, because they aren't real. But I could never crush on a female fictional character, for that same reason. The characters in movies aren't real. Its so weird and confusing. And then I'm also afraid that my feelings about women will go away if I don't act on them, even though there's no one I want to act on them with, and that then I'll be left with just guys again, and I don't want that! ---------- Post added 18th May 2014 at 02:36 PM ---------- Oh, and also, now that I'm exploring the potential that I could be homosexual, I feel like I should be feeling either this sense of relief, that I've figured out what I am, or a sense of wrongness, like this totally isn't right, but I'm feeling exactly the same as before. I don't know. I'm just still conflicted.
If you stop to move every single log on the river of life, you'll never be able to get to your destination. Corny, I know, but I wanted to come off as pseduo-deep. I hope that will suffice, haha. That said, you're obviously a very intelligent woman. The way you composed yourself with this thread is testament to that, so use that intelligence and progress ahead in life. Your attraction and preferences will, for the most part, remain grounded, but life won't. As you advance through and experience life, many more doors and opportunities will open up. When these doors and opportunities appear, you'll know what you want then.
As said above, you're definitely very intelligent. It's good that you're thinking this through so thoroughly, and not just jumping into the ultimate conclusion. That being said, there's definitely such a thing as "overthinking" it, and coming upon the WRONG conclusion for your life. Don't rush this. If you can't figure it out right now, remember that you're only 17. There's no need to push yourself for an answer. Why not focus on other things right now, and then maybe in the months to come, there'll be a revelation moment, where you find somebody incredibly attractive, and say to yourself "this is what I was looking for". Perhaps the fact that you're searching for something to call yourself is exactly what's stopping you from achieving just that.
I totally understand what you mean. I am so worried that I am lying to myself also. Like I am convincing myself I am not straight. I guess the only way we can learn is if we take it one day at a time, and allow ourselves to experience being gay, and being straight and see which we prefer
The question of "should I feel different" is a red herring. You feel how you feel. The question is what to do about how you feel. You might be lesbian. You could be bisexual. Sounds like you could also be straight...but that seems least likely. I would try not to obsess over "what you are" and instead focus on "what sounds appealing". If you can envision a happy romantic and sexual life with a woman, and there are women you find attractive, then why not experiment? Try dating some women...if the date feels good, try sex...if the sex feels good and you seem really compatible with the person, think about a relationship...if the relationship feels good, move further. If in the meantime, you discover that you're starting to miss guys, or you're having a lot of fantasies about them or whatever, maybe throw a guy into the dating/sex mix as well. If you go out with a woman and you're actually lying to yourself about your capacity to be romantic or sexual with women, you'll know pretty quickly...and then question answered! There's no hurry in figuring out "what it all means". It doesn't mean anything, actually. Life is a succession of experiences and feelings...enjoy them. Repeat, continue, or emphasize the ones you like. ---------- Post added 18th May 2014 at 06:16 PM ---------- (by the way, I *love* toast...especially with honey and cinnamon)
I was in a very similar situation up until recently. What I discovered about myself was that I couldn't see myself with a man, not sexually at least. Even though I thought I was bisexual because I had crushes on guys, I realized that: a) I just wanted SOMEBODY to be super close with, b) I couldn't imagine any sort of sexual encounter with them, c) I could call myself a lesbian for a while and see how that felt. If I turned out to be wrong, oh well. Titles aren't really what matters so much as accepting who you are. If titles help you do that, go right on ahead, but you're certainly in AWESOME company while you try to figure yourself out. For me, it just took patience, open-mindedness, and a little experimentation to help clarify my feelings. I'm sure you'll get a point of self-acceptance soon, you just need to open your heart and your mind to new experiences and do what you feel. Sorry it's vague, but so is human sexuality, so... It's just something to get used to, I suppose. I wish you all the best.
So... I have the feeling, now. I've started to come to terms that I am far more inclined to pursue a relationship with another girl that with a guy, even though I still think guys can be attractive. I was worried at first that this would be another of my phases. Like,for a time I wondered if I was transgender. I hated dresses, wearing makeup, and having girly bits. Pretty much what most people associate with being a girl. But then I realized that those dislikes stemmed from the fact that guys (though not all) objectify women based on how they dress, what their bodies look like, and basically rate worthiness by appearance. Then I had a phase where I thought I was asexual because I didn't want anything to do with guys intimately. I have a bubble. I do not want a guy to enter into my bubble. The bubble is important. And then, when I was watching a commercial for some new TV show, I saw a guy I thought was really cute. Then I realized, he was actually a woman. It was a bit of a shock, until a few moments later I was like, huh, yeah. Nope, still really cute. I wouldn't mind holding hands and hugging with someone like her. And that was what triggered my questioning. And now, as I'm really starting to accept that I prefer women to me,I feel, I don't know, lighter. Better. Free. Those curious periods of my life before seemed to fit together in a big arrow pointing to now, and its exciting. Far more so than those previous periods were. I still don't intend to seek out a felationship for a few years, but for the first time, I can happily see me in a good relationship sometime in the future. Its an exciting idea. It feels good.
