A question about gay sexual roles

It takes some people a long time to get used to the idea of anal sex. Most start of with masturbating and experimenting on their own to find out what they like or don't like.
Often the real thing is a lot different to your fantasy/nightmare about it.
If oral is all you want to do for now (at 18 years old!) then that's absolutely fine. No one should be forcing you to do anything that you don't want to do.

Being masculine doesn't necessarily mean you're a "top" and being feminine doesn't necessarily make you a "bottom".
Sure, people can guess what you prefer sexually by looking at your body and behaviour outside of the bedroom and sometimes those guesses are correct for some, but you can have any "activity preference" that you like (within legal limits).
There's also "Versatile" which means you like both - which is more common than exclusively top or exclusively bottom.

I hope that helps.

Peace be with you.

 

I need to get moving on my day, or I'd go rather in depth with my answer - but just real quickly:


I wouldn't equate a preference for topping or bottoming to masculine versus feminine personality, or masculine and feminine "gender roles" (which frankly typically don't exist in same-sex relationships; you're two men, trying to call one a "girl" makes no sense - which reminds me of another thing, to, in that despite how society tries to box things, these roles often don't exist in heterosexual relationships either).

So, I would encourage you not to feel boxed in your sex life by your perceived femininity. "Feminine" men can absolutely enjoy and prefer topping, and "masculine" men can absolutely enjoy and prefer bottoming. Another part I'd like to get on is that receptive anal sex should not hurt much, if at all, if you prepare correctly - that being said, if you're not comfortable trying it then feel no need to try. Same goes for topping, of course.

Also, you may well be in a minority for not wanting to engage in anal sex (I'm honestly not sure of the general percentages), but it's a bigger minority than most people assume. Lot's of gay/bisexual men don't care much for anal sex, and plenty of male couples participate in long-term relationships without engaging in anal much or even not at all.


Anyhow, hope I helped!

 

Stereotypes... screw them! You don’t need to fit into any box. The problem is that sexual preference is usually a taboo topic but the more people you speak with about it the more you realize that your guesses based on stereotypes would be wrong very often.

About “sexual roles” and sex in general:

In my opinion, I don’t really know if I would be able to keep a healthy relationship with someone that is not willing to change roles in the unlikely event of me asking (and I say unlikely because, although I am proudly “Versatile”, I do have a preference). I am comfortable with the male body and with sex in general (which by the way is not going to be hygienic, homosexual or heterosexual) and don’t think less of anyone for adopting any position. For some reason there seems to be a tendency towards considering the bottom guy weaker or more feminine, which I think is completely wrong. When two men are having sex the one that is bottoming is voluntarily letting the other guy top him, there is no weakness in that in my opinion just preference. The day I find someone that thinks the same as me I’m not letting him go xD. That doesn't mean that I think people that only adhere to one role are worse, it is just not what I am looking for. And they are kind of missing half of the fun

As for the physiological part of it, if you do not bottom very frequently it may be painful yeah. But you get used to it, both physically and psychologically (Learning that lube is really important, learning to relax, realizing that the “in need to go to the toilet” sensation is not real, learning the best positions for you...). Now, when you are the one doing the “topping”.... well, sex feels nice, that goes without saying but there is also a psychological part to it (in my experience) that makes you feel more pleasure when you realize your partner is enjoying it. Sometimes it might be messy (I don’t want to be too graphic: P), but it is not always like that (at least in my experience, it is not usual) and you should be using a condom anyway. If something gross happens just don’t freak out, don’t blame the other person, solve it quickly and be nice.

I would suggest you to try it with an open mind and thinking it is going to be good (after all there is a reason why so many people is into it: P). But... if you decide anal it is not for you, then just don’t do it, both parts should enjoy sex! Just be aware that is pretty common to be into it and that many people would assume you are into it too. Both kind of people are right, preferences are preferences...

Hope that helped.
Hugs!

 

I'm a woman, but I know a lot about gay men and their experiences so I hope you don't mind me giving my input here.

I don't think the gay community (whether it be gay men or lesbians) truly have 'gender roles' in the way heteronormative society does; hell, contrary to popular beliefs, even a lot of straight couples don't have them!

Anal sex is just one way to have sex, It doesn't have to be the end all be all "real" way to have sex. For some men It's important, but there are actually a lot of gay men who don't have anal sex at all. I think one study proved that homosexuals *regardless of gender* engage in more oral than anything else.

One thing to note, top and bottom are supposed to be strictly penetrative roles; you can have a submissive/feminine top and a masculine/dominant bottom.

I think most people think otherwise because in straight relationships men 'top' and women 'bottom'. So bottoming makes other people think it makes a man more feminine or submissive, but that doesn't have to be true. The fact that someone reads you as more submissive might be the reason why they think you will be receptive (That's none of their business though).

It's also interesting to note that even in straight couples, a woman who is penetrated can be the more dominant or butch looking partner, and a lot of straight guys also 'bottom' for their wives without it harming their masculinity (Regardless of what people might think).

That being said anal sex is a preference. If you don't want to do it, don't.

 

Not all gay men like anal

 

As others have said, straights seem to want to see it that way, but the reality is rather more complicated. All guys have a prostate and a lot of nerves back there and quite a few guys like the sensations when those are stimulated. Whether they are more or less masculine or feminine isn't really a factor.

Done properly it need not hurt at all. As mentioned there are a lot of nerves there and for most guys it feels good to stimulate them. For the penetrator, it need not be disgusting with a bit or preparation (see the relevant pages on EC for info on this). As others have said, real world sex (regardless of what you're doing) is rarely (if ever) as neat and clean as porn makes it look.

My very rough, very unscientific estimate, based on what I've seen in conversations on the subject on EC is that around 25% or so of guys are not into anal. "Not into" can range from 'well, if you really want to, I guess we can' to 'Hell will freeze before I do that!". For my part, I generally find a nice professional grade body massage (from a licensed massage therapist) to be much more pleasurable than anal sex. It's not a matter of anal hurting, or being gross or anything - it just doesn't do that much for me. But that's just me.

Ultimately, if you don't want to do anal, then don't do it. There are a fair chunk of guys who also aren't into it or aren't into it so much that they will care all that much about not doing it. If that ends up being your path, you should be fine. And if you do find someone who you find yourself wanting to try it with - well, that's fine too.

Todd

 

All I can really say about this is that I myself fit the stereotype of being feminine and submissive. I'm still a butt virgin, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be exclusively bottom when I finally do have my day. I just love the idea of being romantically dominated lol :icon_redf UM SO ANYWAY

So yeah, even though I fit the stereotype, I know there's people and relationships out there that don't. As someone else said, there's butch women in straight relationships too. Just society incorrectly labeling stuff, per usual. Don't let any of it shape you!