Daddy Issues and what I find Attractive? Yes, I am well aware that I've posted a LOT over my first two days. But it just really helps, you know, typing out your thoughts as opposed to just letting them rumble about. So I made a list of qualities I find attractive in both guys and gals. (By the way, that's a phrase my mom likes to use. I always happy when I realize I've piccked up something from her.) The women list seemed more indicative of a potentialy healthy relationship. The guy one... Not so much. Both were based on qualities of imaginary, nameless people when I imagine myself in a relationship. Here's the list: In girls (my age or older) and women: Short, messy hair Intelligence Glasses Angular features (but not, like, models. The type of angular I like is considered awkward and unnatractive by some.) Love of Animals The ability or inability to cook. Not high maintenance A fondness for hugs A tolerance for both religion and a lack of religion Accents are cool. Not necessarily foreign accents. I live in the deep south, and I find all sorts of other American accents to be cool. Just, ah, the beauty of colloquial and regional speech. Eyes. I just love how eyes look. I mean, so long as they're in a person's head. Random eyes freak me out. An ability to be honest with me, even when the truth hurts. Natural bodies. (This is not an all-inclusive list) Guys: Um... Long hair. Adoration Acceptance and lack of criticism. Attention. Big hands, good for holding. Scrawniness A stay-at-home guy (This was honestly all I could come up with.) My relationship with my dad has always been strange. He's always been kinda emotionally distant, always telling me to grow thicker skin and stop crying, because I've always cried at the drop of a hat, even when I didn't understand the reason for my tears. Despite my explaining this, he is still of the opinion that I cry to guilt him into doing what I want, and when I was diagnosed with depression, he made it clear to me that he wouldn't be 'walking on eggshells just because you get upset easily'. He is also not afraid of criticizing what I eat, even when it is relatively healthy compared to what he eats, like a vegetarian burrito at my favorite Mexican place (spinach tortilla, black beans, tomatoes, onions, spinach, cheese, avacado. He has outright told me that I was going to 'keel over before thirty') as compared to his grande nachos with ground beef and 'the works'. And while he is emotionally distant and maintains that distance, I still love him, and I know he loves me. I'll go out to help him change the car's oil. I try to get his approval on my art, even though he thinks I should be more into sports. We can have fun together. As my mom said, sometimes she can tell we're having fun together, but other times she says it seems like I don't trust him. So in my list of things I looked for in a guy, I found myself writing 'adoring', 'non-critical', 'attention', and so on, and now that I think about it, I have wished that my dad held more of those qualities. I would look for a scrawny guy because my dad is u usually tall, and strong, and when I was little I would always be in fear of receiving a 'spanking', basically being slapped hard on the rear, with his ring on, for small misdemeanors, like getting my name 'in the book' in kindergarten for forgetting my workbook at home. No excuses. So I'm asking myself now, was my attraction towards guys and specifically these qualities largely based off of fears and longings surrounding my dad and his behavior? Hmmm... * Side note... Maybe this could go into relationships. I'm not sure.
There are a lot of therios on how people are attracted to others. One popular one (my sister always hears this from my brother), is that when girls grow up they are naturally attracted to guys who ressemble some physical appearance from their father or brother. I'm sure there might be some reasoning that is way above my head as to how you like certain guys and how it is connected to your father. I think the same way aswell when I see a guy that I like, I sometimes try to tell if there is some sort of physical appearance that represents that of my brother or my dad. I also try not to let it get to my head because when I think about it too much it gets kinda weird
Yeah, I've read that too. The weird thing is, if that hypothesis holds true, is that I look for opposite characteristics from my dad. I do try not to think about it too hard, but sometimes I just want some foggy idea of what's going on with me.
You have a fine taste in women, at least in my humble opinion. I think the "Man" list is just a draft compared to the other one, like you aren't even sure what to like about them, so you just throw in social conventions. That means you pay more attention to women and, perhaps, your theory about trying to find fatherly love is true.
I think wanting the opposite of someone distant and aloof has nothing to do with daddy issues; who do you know of who wants an emotionally distant SO? As for resemblance to your father, many people seek something familiar. If you subscribe to the "selfish gene" theory, where genes are the drivers behind our behaviors and not individuals or populations, our genes want to perpetuate themselves and this causes us to behave in such a way that preserves our gene pool. By looking for someone familiar, we are increasing the odds of our genes getting passed on, especially if the other person has similar genes. There's the opposing force of too much inbreeding reducing fitness, so we settle somewhere in the middle. But not everyone is attracted to someoen like them; this is what leads to genetic diversity. But the drive to seek someone familiar might not be that odd from a genetics perspective. Wow I just went full on geek. ---------- Post added 20th May 2014 at 07:28 PM ---------- Incidentally, I just saw this... Spouses Tend To Have Similar DNA | I Fucking Love Science
I think your list of qualities in women is more about what you find attractive IN them, whilst the list of male qualities, is about what you want FROM them. I am similar to you in a sense that I've had a bad relationship with my father and as a result I had for a while a strong need for male affection. As a teenager I had almost 0 attraction to boys, but I've had a crush on a much older guy, simply because I hoped he would give me what my father never did. It lead me on a long, roundabout way to finding my sexuality, when it should have been obvious earlier. I think it is important to separate those two: sexual attraction to and need of affection from, which are not the same thing. This is not to say that in some people those 2 cannot align in attraction to a person, but they are not the same thing. It is never fair on a partner to look for them to provide us with things that our parents failed to do. Personally the guys I've dated were very different from my father, I liked them because they were different, and the one I actually had a long relationship with, was similar to my mother.
Your father sounds A LOT like mine. I tend to get very nervous around guys, and I don't know if that's because there's attraction there or if it's because I'm constantly afraid they are judging me. Probably, my father's constant criticism had something to do with that. I agree with NonsnsOnStilts, it's not fair to make our romantic partners compensate for areas our parents couldn't provide. Additionally it's a different type of relationship and mixing those dynamics can be unhealthy and confusing. Obviously you can't control your attractions, but you can be aware of the reasons behind it and try to avoid getting into a situation where you only think you like someone because they are filling in a gap your father left.
