I am 39 years old, married to my husband for 13 years. Previous to meeting him, I had never dated anyone. I was sexually assaulted as a teen, and adding that trauma on to my very shy personality, was too nervous to date until I met him. My husband, hands-down, is the kindest person I've ever met. I don't consider myself straight or gay, but rather just "married to R." He is my best friend. I am very lucky. That said, I am attracted to both genders. And I am blessed to work in the arts, where sexual orientation tends to be more fluid, and people more accepting. So I never really analyzed my sexuality, until recently. I'm deeply attracted to my (female) supervisor. I believe the attraction is returned. The bottom line is that I would never cheat on my husband. I don't believe in it. What bothers me is that I'm not getting over this. I think of her all the time. I fantasize. It's interfering with my home life. But I don't know how to move past these feelings when I will regularly be in her presence. I know this sounds naive... But is this normal? I feel like I skipped so many typical developmental stages because the rape stunted me. And I don't know how to talk about it. Maybe all married women occasionally have big crushes on other women!! Or maybe there's something deeper here I'm ignoring. I don't know. All I do know if that these thoughts and feelings are wreaking havoc on my brain. I wish that someone could say, "don't worry -- this will pass." Will it? Thanks for reading my ramblings.
13 years is a long time, perhaps you feel like your marriage got a little stale and you see this woman as a new exciting experience that your life's lacking right now? It's not abnormal, it happens to a lot of people. Either way, you should decide what's more important to you, your marriage and your husband or this woman. I can't tell you whether it will pass or not, but if you want to get over this woman my advice is to distance yourself from her. Seeing how you work together it could be difficult though.
Thank you for your response. It does help so much to hear this is normal. I will distance myself as much as possible and hope it gets easier with time.
Hi there and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place. For many of us here who have come to recognize our same-sex attraction later in life we do tend to experience a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. We're feeling things for the first time in our lives - things that people in their teens would normally experience - so we feel all flustered just like a teen in love. But it does pass. We generally come to our senses. The attraction isn't so much to the person as it is to the rush of emotions. So as the emotions subside we can see things a little more rationally. Talking about this with someone would help too. Sharing it here is a start. Working with some kind of family counsellor might also help. The reality might be that you're more attracted to women than men, and it has just taken until now, and it took a certain woman, for you to realize it. Only time will tell as to what that might mean to your relationship. Try not to sweat it though. Good luck!
Thank you for your kindness and understanding. Everything you said makes sense to me. A day away from her helped make things clearer too.
