1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Hunter427, May 22, 2014.

  1. Hunter427

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2014
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    In a black hole pondering the universe
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hello once again peoples. I am back with a bigger problem than anything else I've asked. So I'm super confused about my sexuality but everyday I just feel like I more gay then anything. But I'm afraid to identify as gay because I don't want to find out I'm not then have to explain to everybody I'm not. I've been so stressed out about it I've cut myself a few times and I don't know why. I just seen the razor there and did it. However my friends have taken notice to the cuts and have been wanting an explanation. I can't keep cutting because if I do my parents will also take notice and they think I'm normal, I don't want that to change until I find out who I am. Why am I so stressed over this and what should I do I want to stop the cutting but whenever I start thinking about it a lot I just kinda break down and do it. This is really hard to admit since I don't really talk about my emotions much with anyone but I need help. What should I do and how should I handle it, I don't want to go to a counselor because they might tell my parents about the cuts but I also don't want to tell anyone about me. This is really the only place I can talk about my feelings without feeling embarrassed. I've stated hating myself over this and I don't want to feel this way anymore. So please any answers you guys have will be appreciated. :help:
     
  2. Hyaline

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2013
    Messages:
    681
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Bernardino, CA
    If you look around on here, you will find that you are not alone in any of the question you wrote (and even in some of the questions you didn't write but we all still ask ourselves).

    In truth, there is no "race" to be out. There is no urgency to do so. You can do it in your own time and when you are truly ready. It sounds like you aren't really sure yourself. and if so, you should likely work on that a bit more before telling anyone about it. My advice is for now to take time to think about where your confusion comes from. Are you attracted to girls/guys/both? What do you feel more strongly for? Which turns you on? What do you fantasize about? Have you kissed either or both? How did you feel about that?

    I can't speak to the cutting as I simply don't have the answers to help you there. But if you can try to work on your anxiety. Seeing a school counselor might not be such a bad idea. If for nothing more than to vent your frustration and to give yourself a neutral place to vent. You can leave the cutting and questioning your sexuality out of it. But in truth, talking about at least one of those things is likely going to help relieve the bottled up stress you have going on inside you..
     
  3. Hi Hunter427

    Being young is often confusing and being not sure about your sexuality can further add to a feeling of instability, but my guess is that NOT everything you experience has roots in your sexuality, that you severely experience the pain of growing up, which is kind of normal.
    Please seek help: are there any anonymous helplines you could call and have a chat with about your issues? Consider taking herbal remedies with valerian, hops etc to ease your levels of stress just a little bit, they helped me a lot.
    I understand that sometimes self-harm appears the only option to ease feelings/ you feel pain, and that is some sort of certainty in a world of confusion.
    Please stop, now, immediately. Why?
    Because it is an issue treated entirely differently by the counselling/medical profession.
    If you decide to go for help for counselling, they are generally confidential, UNLESS you self harm, then as far as I know they have an obligation to start notifying your parents, etc. It just becomes a more serious issue, where more people get involved, which is precisely what you are trying to avoid!
    So I say seek help before the self-harm becomes an serious issue.

    A lot of stress for me came from a particular kind of binary thinking, that I either must be gay, or bi, I predominantly felt gay, but then also was unsure about that a bit.
    What helped me was realising that sexuality is on a spectrum, it is rarely 'either- or', we all have our individual tastes and attractions and sometimes they completely fit into a gay box, and sometimes not completely. For me it meant going with my predominant orientation/attraction, which is same sex, and then working around that.

    I'd suggest however discarding labels for now, you will not find out about yourself through looking at labels and trying to see which one you fit, you have to look within yourself.
    It really is ok to be either, you will be still the same person regardless if you are more towards the gay end of the spectrum, or if you are somewhere in the middle, trust yourself!

    We are all here to help regarding issues with sexuality, finding yourself etc, general chat, BUT we can only help with our experiences and offering an ear to your problems, we cannot offer psychological advice simply because most of us lack the training for it, for that I'll really urge you to seek help, if possible from some kind of LGBT counselling/advice centre.
    But be assured: it gets better, really. The muddy waters of confusion settle.
    Allow yourself to be attracted to men for a while, and then to women, without feeling the pressure to have to decide, just open to the experiences the world has to give you and trust yourself on your journey!

    Good luck!
     
  4. Hunter427

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2014
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    In a black hole pondering the universe
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    NonsnsOnStilts,
    Thank you for that whole paragraph. I won't lie before you and Hyaline responded I cut myself one last time and I got scared it was deep and wouldn't stop bleeding. I don't want to cut anymore so I decided I was going to try my best to stop even before you guys answered. Unfortunately I don't know any help lines to talk about my feelings and emotions and you are right there were some things that happened in my past that were not particularly okay. After I freaked out I didn't know what to do so I just sat on my bed and meditated for five or so minutes it calmed me but I still can't sleep because I'm still shaken. Now I've thought about emailing my school counselor but I decided against it because well I can barely talk about my emotions and feelings to my best friends. I don't want him to tell my parents about my self harm or my sexuality issues I just want to find out who I am. I want to date around with other people but unfortunately I'm kinda that unpopular kid who sits in the back of the class unless told different. I'm not even worried about what other people will think of me the only people I'm afraid of telling if I am gay is my parents they are kinda religious but they have never really talked about their beliefs about gay people so I'm just nervous in general. I've gone out with one girl in my life but we broke so is the circle of adolescence I wasn't really sad or angry and me and her are best friends to this day but when we were dating I just thought she was a really really close friend and that we could understand each other. I fantasize about men and no matter how hard I try I can't stop or fantasize about women I don't know why. Thank you for the reply both of you.
     
  5. Hyaline

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2013
    Messages:
    681
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Bernardino, CA
    My advice is far simpler and I think NonsnsOnStilts touched on many things that could be important. The scary part for some people is that self harm can lead to bigger emotional issues if you don't find an outlet for those feelings.

    I don't want to direct you to a specific anonymous helpline as I think posting link can be against the rules. But if you use a popular search engine, you'll find toll free numbers you can call to talk it out. Even if you call to simply have someone to listen to what you have to say. If you can't think of what to say, read them your first post. It might help to simply say it out loud. I will say that for me, I felt quite a bit like you are feeling now when I was your age. And that was over 20 years ago when the world wasn't quite as accepting as they are now.

    Meditation works for me to calm me down as well. You might try finding a quiet place and working on going for a bit longer. Clearing your mind of all that is bothering you and focus on your breathing alone. Then take one step back towards reality and work though those issues one at a time. Come up with a plan of action (or attack if you feel that works better for you). Finding a fixed point and working towards it will help to keep you from feeling lost.

    But trust me, many of us have felt that way. Just know that you aren't alone and it does get better.
     
  6. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi Hunter,

    if you don't already have one, I advise you to get a suitable and qualified counselor to talk through these issues with. Be careful who you choose as some more affordable ones might be allied with a church and might have a christian agenda, they might sound supportive but secretly would be against same-sex attraction. Find someone who is just a trained professional, with no hidden religious agendas.

    I'm over 40 and just recently (about a month ago) accepted that I can be same-sex attracted. I grieved for a bit when it sank in how many amazing experiences I could have had, relationships even, if I had simply accepted and not repressed this side of my nature when I was younger. I sincerely hope you can not worry about it, as however things turn out, whether you are straight, bi, or gay, it is all ok and natural for one who feels it.

    Please do get a counselor if you don't have one. I'm a bit older than you but still, I see someone to talk though stuff with. It is tremendously healing for me to do this (I am fortunate though to have found an excellent counselor who is completely accepting of any sexual orientation a client may have. I asked him, "do you see same-sex attraction as unnatural, or as part of the rich and diverse tapestry of human sexuality (which is how I personally see it now)? When he agreed with the latter, I knew I could work with him.

    Take care of yourself, ok?

    beefree.
     
    #6 Damien, May 22, 2014
    Last edited: May 22, 2014