For someone who is questioning or confused, how feasible is it to be able to reach one's own conclusions about sexual orientation while remaining closeted? For those who have determined with as much certainty as possible your own orientation, whether out or not, did you find you were able to reach those conclusions alone or did you find you needed to "out" yourself to some extent in order to "experiment" with both sexes, or even just bounce your thoughts off of other people? I ask because while I live in a pretty accepting area, I also live in a pretty small area, and I feel like it's likely that if I attended LGBT events or started dating it would get back to people I know somehow. We're not a small town in our mentality but we are a small town in that it seems like everyone knows everyone, six degrees of Kevin Bacon style. I'm pretty sure most of my friends won't be upset by my being "not straight" but I don't really want to have to worry about them finding out through the grapevine rather than from me, or before I'm ready to talk with them about it. Part of what is preventing me from doing so is that *I* don't really know where I stand, and I don't want to unintentionally come out as something that I'm not. Does it make sense to stay in the closet until I find some more clarity? Or is it more likely I won't find this clarity until I simply go out there and see what comes of it?
to your first question(s), yes and no. yes i came to the conclusion i was gay while in the closet, but it was through clear thinking, the support from EC funnily enough, and the workings of the universe that brought everything together. so all in all, being in the closet gave me time and space to come to terms with who i am, while support helped in the outing process. you specifically ask about experimenting perhaps sexually or thereabouts, i think it's worked for many people, for some it's the only way to be certain, for me i had to be really really honest with myself. in short i didn't need to hold a man's hand to know it was something that made sense to me. ah, i know about that small town mentality all too well. you can take someone out of a village but you can't take the village out of someone, or so they say. my family were village people. i can relate to this stage you are at, this was me last summer. i wanted to come out, but i wasn't 100% sure of myself, whether that be concerning my exact orientation, or if i was fully comfortable with myself either way. the best bet is to let time . being in the closet is tough, it's also safe in some respects, eventually the time will come, as it did for me (i was so fed up with being in the closet so i came out haha). i have told only 5 people who i really trust. there are people who i don't mind telling, and there are those who i don't want to know, ever. i am out, but i have decided to refrain from letting others know for now, so as to avoid the information getting to the wrong people like you say. you see, once you come out, you can take temporary refuge in the closet again. i think it makes perfect sense to want to wait for clarity and to venture outside a bit, a balanced approach seems sensible. for example, i technically first came out to people online, while in real life i was not an open book. ^ this response of mine is not really well structured, hope it helps
I'm having some similar troubles. I came out to my three closest friends as bisexual recently. The issue is that since coming to accept myself as bisexual I have begun to question myself as gay. A year ago it wouldn't have even occurred to me that I was anything but straight but looking back, any relationships I've had with guys have been strained, awkward and uncomfortable and I've ended them because I realised I had no feelings for the guys even though I really liked them going into the relationship. My immediate family would have no problem with me coming out, but we're very close with my extended family and they are most, very, highly, extremely homophobic. I don't want to cause problems for my parents and our family by coming out as something I'm not but, I don't know how to be sure I'm gay. I've never had any kind of romantic anything with a girl, not relationships, not kisses nothing. Help?
I was still (mostly) closeted when I came to the conclusion that I was gay. The exception was that my best friend knew everything. I used her as my sounding board for ideas and emotions that I was going through. She knew I was questioning, and she was super supportive from the get-go. I also frequented the EC boards for over a year before finally coming out. It's very difficult to come out, let alone to come out while still questioning. Unless the people you are coming out to are 100% supportive either way, and you're very aware of that, then I would wait until you're sure before you do so. It doesn't hurt to confide in someone or a couple people who you know will be there regardless, though.
I don't think I'm the type of person who could sleep around regardless of gender, I'm very introverted and shy and require a deeper connection with someone to feel comfortable enough to get that close, so "experimenting" is probably not a good way for me to have put it. I guess I meant trying dating with both males and females and trying to determine what seems to develop more and with whom. I'm curious, what sort of "deep thinking" did you do? I've been mulling and thinking a lot about the past, myself, as well as trying to pay attention to and accept the feelings I have now, for example when encountering a pretty girl or guy out in public. I seem to have more of an immediate attraction to females but I'm less certain about males. I feel like I'm existing in this awkward space where I am unsure if the feelings I have had and still occasionally get are simply forced because they are what I am "supposed to do" or if they are genuine. I had little interest in relationships of any kind growing up, and when people would ask me about boyfriends or talk about hot guys I felt at a loss, though I recall some girl crushes that I didn't know were crushes at the time. But then there has been an odd guy crush in there later on, as well. Regarding the small town, I live in a city really, but geographically it's so tiny it has some aspects of small towns, so I get where you are coming from . I'm in a very similar position, though I have questioned my sexuality in the past I never let my mind take it very far, and just stuffed it under the rug. At this point, like you, I'm not sure where I fall in the spectrum from bisexual to lesbian. I've had one relationship and it was with a guy, he was a very close friend and I really loved him, but the physical aspects of the relationship were very awkward. When I broke it off with him it was for other reasons, however, and I still really loved him at the time. My family... I don't know how they will react at all. Fortunate for me they don't live too close anymore so it's less likely things will get back to them right away, but I do imagine that I won't come out to them unless I feel it's necessary, ie, if I find myself in a serious relationship with a woman, or if I find I am definitely gay and not bisexual. I have one friend I've spoken to about this, he's a long distance friend so we mainly talk online and that made it easier to come out to him as questioning/maybe bisexual. He's helped a bit and it's also nice to feel like I can be more open when talking to him. At the same time, he is someone I can only really talk to online, and I also don't want to put all of the burden on him. I am definitely glad I've found this site. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should try to speak to another friend about all this too, but I'm not sure I'm ready to do so, yet. You make a good point that I shouldn't say anything unless I am positive they will be totally supportive, I don't need extra voices in my head naysaying or doubting, my own already does enough of that.
I came out as "I sometimes date girls" to my parents and brothers and friends. I then switched that to bisexual. Now I don't know. Coming out while questioning was both helpful because I could be open about it with everyone, and also not helpful because I found myself having to tell people my whole thought process before it was fully crystallized in my head. It was difficult to have the conversation with friends who said "I'm confused, I thought you liked guys? I mean you always seemed pretty straight to me." Having to explain without any solidified answers caused me to go back and forth and reassess my situation and question for much longer than I should have, if that makes sense. I think its ultimately up to you; it could be helpful but keep in mind that it can confound your feelings with others' perceptions, because when we question we are seeking advice and its not always helpful.
that's a good question, and one which i think has many answers, having said that, it seems we've experienced the same path so my experience may be of some help. for instance, i remember coming to the conclusion that my "attractions" to girls were a result of me feeling obliged to like them, societal pressures and all, and those attractions were futile, only existed because i had to direct my attention somewhere, i wasn't allowed to be gay. i would also notice guys on the street more so than girls, noticing them in a different way also . i had to be kind enough to myself to give the same sex some consideration. i lived a "straight" life, i felt false and out of place, so i began to make small changes, like i told myself i was gay in my head, not bi, not straight, and gradually i became more akin to that was of thinking, except this time it didn't feel forced, it was new, but natural and right.
I went to an all-girls catholic school and being gay in there was a big deal. There were no 'out' lesbians and the word lesbian was practically a slur. Looking back I'm deeply, DEEPLY ashamed to say that I kind of subconsciously bought into it. You can't hear something repeatedly for six years and not begin to believe it slightly. I think this is why it took me so long to realise that I might not be straight. And I also think it might be why I'm struggling when it comes to figuring out my sexuality. I was the same as ye when it came to boys. If I dated one, it was one that I was friends with and it was almost expected, friends being all like, "You'd be so good together!!". I loved my last boyfriend but it was platonic love and our relationship did NOT work out When it comes to intimacy with guys I just get too awkward. I thought it was because I wasn't ready for that step but maybe I'll never be ready for that step, you know? (With a guy that is)
I too am in that strange place of uncertainty. I have one friend who came out to me years ago, and I mentioned to her that I was questioning. She was super supportive of my decision to "explore". Although I'm not to the exploring step yet, I am thinking about what it is that I want/believe/feel. It's hard to know how people will react, I'm lucky enough to be working with a therapist (on other issues) and I can talk it out with her. I guess this doesn't really answer your question does it? I guess my advice would be not to tell anyone anything unless you feel comfortable. It's hard enough to be questioning the very essence of who you are without 100 pieces of input from "outsiders". ---------- Post added 22nd May 2014 at 05:44 PM ---------- kayteebee, I think you and I have a lot in common. I too was raised in religion. I went to a private boarding school where gay wasn't something you talked about, except to comment on terrible it was or to pray for the souls of those who were "choosing to live in sin". I'm starting to question a lot of what I was taught. I know that I believed all of that at one time. Like you said, it's hard to hear that for so long without some of it sinking in. It makes questioning your sexuality all the more difficult!
Thanks for sharing your story, wanderinggirl. I can see what you mean. I haven't really been in a place where I feel I can appropriately express my thoughts, as I am not sure of them yet, myself. At least for now it seems like it's probably best I continue to keep it to myself, perhaps with the exception of one or two trusted others (and this site, of course). Yeah, I'm not sure what is genuine and what is not, in my case. I think it's complicated by the fact that I felt I was probably asexual for a long time, so my "sexual" history, including fantasizing and so on, is rather lacking regardless of gender. I guess I need to take more time to self-explore and observe now that I feel like I am sexually "developing." It's hard for me to say if this has been the result of unconscious repression of homosexual feelings, or if it has more to do with mental health issues, or perhaps some combination therein. I like your approach to self-label in your head, but I feel I'm not quite at that point yet, myself. I worry that if I chose to refer to myself as "bi" or "gay" even internally I may start to push myself in the wrong direction. After all I (and many) did so by accepting the "straight" label for so long. I was also raised Catholic, though my immediate family is not particularly devout and I attended public school growing up. Lesbian was still a slur, at the time I was in jr. high and high school it was definitely a "dirty word" and I believe it's affected me, as well. Though I didn't really consciously support or decry homosexuality the church's condemnation of such was one of the things that pushed me away from religion. It was at the time a matter of principle against the hypocrisy of "love and accept all, except these people," though my sympathies were probably telling :lol:. I also had a friend at the time who, though she never officially came out as bisexual, seemed to imply she was and I think that fortunately shifted my thinking in some ways from how I had felt previously. I'm not sure how to tell the difference between platonic love and romantic love. Could you explain what you mean by that? I also struggled with intimacy problems. I have issues with touch in general and it's hard for me to say if I would have the same problems with a woman as I had with my ex boyfriend. Part of me kind of hopes that with women it would be easier. Though of course it would be even better if I could find I've grown past it altogether. It's great that you have such a supportive friend . I'm sure it helps to have a sounding board and someone who has already "been there" and gone through this. I'm also in therapy, but I haven't been able to bring this up with my therapist so far. I have been hesitant because I'm so confused I don't really know how to get it all out verbally. I am also a little embarrassed because I've been seeing her for years and never mentioned any of this, I guess it makes me feel a little ashamed I've been hiding even from my therapist :icon_redf . I realize it would probably benefit me to try to talk to her, however. I feel I may have to send her an email some time before my next appointment and explain there that I am questioning my sexuality and I'd like to speak to her about it, as I don't know if I can verbally bring it up myself.
Platonic love (for me anyway) is love for friends. I have friends that I love but I have never entertained any romantic feelings for. I love my best friend with all my heart but it's not the kind of love I have for my sister and it's not the kind of love I'd have for a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's chaste and non-sexual. Whereas romantic love is that relationship love where it is inherently sexual as well. I hope that explains it, I can't really put words on it. I have also recently stopped seeing a therapist. I was seeing her for separate reasons that have been resolved with her help, but the last time I went to see her I had planned to tell her I was questioning and I chickened out. It was kind of funny because she could tell that there was something I wasn't telling her but I could not get the words out of my mouth and kept brushing it off. Which sucks because she's been so great and helpful to me. I am with you on the intimacy thing sister. I'm horribly self conscious and body conscious around women which is something I need to work on before I ever come close to being intimate with one. But I really hope that sex with a female would be better than any of the sexual interactions I've had with guys because I really like the idea of sex and I'd hate to think that it would be that bad forever Popular culture has A LOT to answer for if sex doesn't get better!!
I guess for me it's hard to sort out the differences between "platonic" "romantic" and "sexual" love. I think because for so long I considered myself asexual, the border between platonic and romantic is less clear to me. Many of the crushes I've had and the relationship I've had were with very close friends. I guess now that I'm becoming more aware of my sexuality that may change, though. I'm not sure if my therapist has any clue or not. The last few sessions I've had with her I filled up the time the best I could, and even outright lied about my mental state so I could avoid the topic, which I realize was a stupid thing to do. Can you go back to your therapist and try to talk to them about this, even though you've resolved the other issues you initially saw her for? Hahah, I'm definitely with you. Embarrassingly, I'm still a virgin :icon_redf (yes, that is how uncomfortable I was with intimacy with my ex, we never had sex). But all that lead up to it... sometimes it was pleasurable, but sometimes just boring, or just too overwhelming for me to handle. I can only hope it would be better with a woman, as that would at least mean I'm less damaged than I thought I was :lol: .
I could definitely go back to my therapist if I wanted to. I guess I kinda want to work things out myself first and maybe then see her in more of a sounding board kind of way. I'm very careful about becoming dependant on a therapist or coping mechanisms. I want full independence and control of my thoughts and emotions so I don't see her too regularly. Hey, I'm a virgin too so no judgement here!! I was just as uncomfortable so I stopped it as best I could. Neither time I came close to having sex was with someone I was in a relationship with. (They were acquaintances who saw that I was less than sober and took advantage of that) Needless to say we're not really acquaintances anymore. The last guy I dated was a really nice guy. And we got to about (what americans would call) second base but I was just never in the mood for actual sex. He was attractive and I did really like him but I just didn't find him sexually attractive I guess. :S
