Here I go. I'm 22 years old, since I was a kid I always liked girls, I even had a type and still do, the thing is that growing up, I started being curious about what an older guy would look like naked, I thought it was perfectly normal as I was just hitting puberty, as time went by I started to get more interested in naked guys and got aroused by anything about the male anatomy, I jerked of watching gay porn, even had "cyber sex" with dudes and the only two sexual experiences I've ever had were with men. Let me talk about my experiences with girls, I was always the best friend, whenever I liked a girl and tried to make a move, they would always reject me, specially when I was younger, let me tell you that every time that happened, it hurted me a lot, I was really good at being friends with them but not that good boyfriend material, one of the things a friend told me was that maybe I was rejected because I never showed any special interest in them like telling them what I wanted since the beginning of our "friendship". Sometimes I tell myself that maybe I'm gay and that's a good reason why girls are not really attracted to me in a boyfriend way, but at the same time I also think that maybe I'm a little afraid of trying something with a girls, cause of all the rejection I had from girls and it has always been easier to me to attract a guy and been hit on by many too (not that I was doing something or tried to). I also feel like I could be bisexual, cause months ago, I had my very first girlfriend, she was first my friend, but after a year of knowing each other, I developed a different kind of attraction towards her, I wanted to kiss her so bad, wanted to share everything with her, to touch her, to be with her, so I took the risk of asking her to be my gf and she said yes... I was so happy, I felt normal for the first time in my life, as I was really into her, she always told me she was surprised by my sexual drive as I seemed like a really quiet guy and stuff but I'm a really sexual person. I wanted to have sex with her, not just for the sake of it, it was also because my feelings for her were that strong and wanted to be more intimate with her, we had a lot of foreplay, she was pleased by it, and obviously me too but she enjoyed leaving me wanting more, well as you may read, sexually we were going great, but romantically we had some differences, that's why we broke up after 3 months of being together, needless to say, we didn't got to have sex. After that I started thinking again about guys and that's when I had my second sexual experience, one day I got so horny that I hooked up with a guy online and had oral sex with him, I didn't really enjoyed it, neither the first experience I had when I was 15, both times were with random guys and oral sex, it seems like the idea of it and also porn gets me really aroused, but when doing the actual thing, it isn't the same, comparing that with the experience I had with my girlfriend even if it only was foreplay, It was way more pleasing. fast forward to this day and here I am again thinking of being intimate with a man, as I'm still really turned on by gay porn, not as much as str8 porn, I really don't know why. And I don't have a problem with being gay, as one of my family members is and came out to most of my open minded family, If I am, I wouldn't be so afraid of coming out cause at the end, I would be happy, the problem is, I don't feel like I'm homosexual, I'm not comfortable thinking it or saying it, it just doesn't feel right to me, I just don't feel identified as homo, but then again why I'm still having this thoughts?? I feel guilty of having had gay sexual encounters, I also feel like I need to have sex with a girl to see how would I feel with it and maybe then realise what I really want. It also affects me morally of having the need to experiment with my sexuality as the way I've been raised, we are not that open to talk about sexual topics, I feel self conscious about many sexual aspects of myself not only about my orientation but also I'm not able to let myself wear sleeveless tshirts as I don't like to show my armpit hair as I got teased by one of my siblings while I was hitting puberty, she was constantly asking me about the changes I was going through, I am the youngest brother and I have always been a little bit overprotected also whenever I showed signs of becoming a "man" I got teased, I know its normal but it made me insecure with my manliness, that's why I feel i'm a bit feminine. I know the last part is weird but had to take it out of my chest. as I said in another post, English is not my first language so excuse me if I'm a bit difficult to read. I'm sharing this cause I don't have anyone I trust to talk about this topic without judging me, I would really appreciate an advice or some guidance as I'm really lost. thanks!
I totally get the confusion with feeling attractive to the member of the opposite sex vs. wanting to; i.e. are you feeling frustrated because you can't seem to find someone to date and therefore feel unattractive, or are you frustrated because trying so hard to pass that you're using who you date as a measure of self-worth? It might be a little bit of both. It sounds like you aren't entirely disinterested in either gender. I think it's great that you're open to exploring this part of yourself, and being a more sexual person is never a bad thing! Unless it takes over your life or makes you do something morally questionable. Also you say you got teased for armpit hair; my brothers teased me for my bras when I was hitting puberty, I hated it! It was so mean. I hated my feminine curves for a long time after that. But don't let your self-consciousness about your body hair confuse you in terms of your sexuality; if you feel comfortable not being manly then that's fine, and if you don't then let your pit hair flow free. Anyways it's important to ask yourself why you feel guilt from these sexual encounters with men. Is it because they were random hookups? Have you ever had romantic feelings for a guy? If you did, would this change how you'd feel about a sexual encounter? Being gay is usually about romantic feelings as much as sexual feelings.
I know how you feel. Not too long ago I was talking with a girl, things were going good, she was into me...and then the next day nothing. No texting back. I was left confused if I did something wrong, or I gave off a gay vibe or something. So far...you could be bi, leaning towards women. You obviously liked your ex-girlfriend. But, like the person above me said, those encounters with men could be making you feel guilty. Those random hookups weren't in the context of a healthy relationship, so that could affect why you didn't enjoy it as much as you thought you would.
I feel bad because I'm not really able to let my self have dates with girls while working with my confusions, the way it happened with my exgirlfriend was so natural to me cause I didn't try to make it happen, it just did, I just fell for her and she did for me. as IG88 says, I get confused when I date someone, everything goes well but the next day nothing. I'm also getting pressured by my dad as he says is time for me to have another girlfriend and it feels awkward, let me tell you that when I was 13 I had a fight with him cause he started telling me that I was acting gay, my voice was high and I liked to do artsy stuff also never had a Girlfriend or talked to him about girls in any way, I also don't have lots of friends, as I like to have quality friends not just a handful of them, sometimes when I felt down about that, he would tell me that maybe I don't have more friends cause I give the impression that I'm gay... you know how hard is that for me? but well including the teasing about my body hair and everything, let me just say I'm not really comfortable being manly around my family. About my hookups with guys, I feel guilty cause it is something I can't share with anybody, I'm used to talk with one of my siblings as he is the one I lean whenever I need to talk about life but this is something no one would understand and would get judged as soon as I tell them. Romantically I never really fell for a guy, maybe just a little bit with one of my best friends but it wasn't really that way as if I would wanted to have a relationship with him, it just seems weird to me, the whole thing of having a love life with men. I'm not closed to that but at this time I don't feel like it, I always felt more attracted to woman in that way, it feels natural to me but I have thought that maybe I should try to date a guy and see how it goes, but I just can't, cause if I do, It would be like if I was walking with a gay label on my back even if I'm just figuring it out. For a while now, I'm identifying myself as bi, haven't told anyone and I feel bad about it because being gay is more acceptable for people as being bi is like you're still guessing or as one of my brothers said "bi people tend to be promiscuos and dirtier as they like to be with men and women, I wouldn't trust one cause they are undecided" but they accept the fact that someone is gay because they only like one gender and it's socially more acceptable. I'm still afraid of falling in love with a girl and wanting to share my life with her and not being able to be entirely myself and tell her that even tho I prefer women, I still like guys, it's like if I was lying since the beginning, but I can't afford to say I'm bi from the start, as women ar afraid of dating bi guys...
Try to forget about the labels for now, if you can, and focus on your feelings instead. Let your feelings (sexual and emotional) take you where they will and try not to suppress or fight them for the time being. I think you need the freedom to just explore who you are for now, without getting hung up on labels or names, which just adds to confusion. If you have the freedom to do what you want and the time to explore your feelings and emotions you may find it easier to arrive at a conclusion further down the line. For now, try to be content with questioning, or exploring.
I can totally relate to being tortured by my mom as I was growing up. I was a very late bloomer (didn't start shaving until I was in my mid to late 20s..).. I was basically hairless in most places except down there until about that same time. To this day if I don't shave she asks me if I am growing a mustache. (rolls eyes) No mom, I am just lazy... I don't think she realizes how tough it can be to be questioned about this all the time. I know she doesn't mean anything by it, but pointing out flaws or imperfections starts to make you think that you might be undesirable and it makes you question who you are. After all, the people doing this love you and care about you. It is a tough struggle at times. As far as your interaction with guys, it might be hard to say. Guys tend to be pretty visual in terms of what arouses them. So gay porn isn't a direct indicator that you are gay. Though it certainly would make me ask the question you are asking yourself. I agree with Linco's advice to ignore the labels for now, there will be time for that later. For now work through how you feel and explore where that takes you. It can be very empowering, but at the same time scary when it is so far out of the norm for you... Hang in there....
Thank you guys, it really feels good to be able to share what I'm going through, all of this makes me become anxious and have terrible mood swings. you know exactly how I feel about it, they always tell my how hairy my legs are, even when they're normal, I'm not really hairy but I don't know why they pick on me hahaha That's why I don't really like to wear shorts either. I know I shouldn't worry about gay, bi or str8 labels, but I know I need to be honest to myself and the truth is that I like girls the same as boys, thats how I feel, but I'm frustrated at not being able to try something else with guys because that's a part of my identity too, I just feel bad about it, knowing that it's not "supposed" to be, and also because as I said early, Girls would think I'm less of a man because of it... and that worries me, because I still would like to be with a good woman, have a relationship and see how it goes. And I don't know maybe I could try and have a boyfriend to, but then again if I try and date a guy, I would loose the chance of having a girlfriend again... hehehe I'm such a mess!! Life would be easier if people could accept that it always isn't black or white. I feel like I have the right of experiment with my life and search my happiness, I'm the kind of guy who's constantly pushing boundaries and trying new experiences because I don't want to ask myself "What if?" when I get older or have regrets because of something I didn't do, but sexually and romantically has been the most difficult thing I've ever done.
I don't think your concerns about labels are unfounded. But consider this, part of the gay movement, is coming out. It's a huge part of what the GLBT stands for. I am sure I'll have people that would argue against me on this. The label is there because we put it there. Not because it will change you or people's perception of you. That is unless of course we begin to place more value on the label, than we do on the person. That is a whole other conversation, but I don't want to go there as it isn't relevant here. You might be one of those people that needs confirmation and closure before moving forward. meaning you have a need to put your sexuality into a specific bucket so its nice and neat and tidy. Hence, saying you are "bi" or "gay" or even "straight".. The thing is, even if you say you are "bi", doesn't make it so. Try to leave yourself a bit of room to grow. Right now, if you say you are bi and are happy with that being the most honest label at the moment, be honest. If you are unsure, say you are bi, but you are unsure. or simply be honest and say "I don't know". That answer is just as valid as any of the other labels you can apply to your sexuality. And the comment about girls thinking you are "less of a man"....Well, if a girl told you that, then why would you want them in your life anyways? Someone who would base the "value of a man" on liking other guys and then assuming that is a weakness, has a weak core character at best. I am sure you could find people that would agree with that statement, but there are plenty of people that won't care at all that you like both. Take a breath, and try not to let you mom get to you. A few years ago, I had to pull my mom aside and ask her nicely to not pat my brother in law on the butt. My sister didn't know how to ask her nicely. When I said it my mom thought I was kidding. When she realized I was not, she apologized to my sister by proxy and she never did it again. Odds are, you mom is like mine and doesn't realize that she is treading on sensitive subjects for you. You might consider just asking her in an adult way to please stop. If she is like my mom she might listen or she might not. What stops it with mine is giving her the pale face non emotional stare and asking "is she done yet". I rarely have to say the "are you done yet" part anymore because the face tells her she crossed the line. (Maybe you can teach old dogs new tricks...)
Thank you hyaline, I'm realising that I don't need to push myself into a certain "label", and even If I keep dating girls, I know I would feel a lot more happy letting them know who I really am. Part of my fears or concerns are because I live in a small town, so everybody knows who are you and what you are doing, so that's why I haven't been able to be honest with anybody. As for my family, I think they're still not ready to know about that, I don't know If I should tell them, as far as I know, if I ever date a guy, maybe that's when I should say something... Well, I think I need to wait more until I meet the right person, one of my cousins came out to me until she was like 3 years in a relationship with her girlfriend, maybe that's what I need.
First and foremost be safe. if your environment isn't safe for you to come out, then maybe put it on the shelf until you are at a point in your life where you can come out and the risks to you are minimal and under your own control. You'll see lots of people tell this to the younger teen and pre-teen crowd because we know all too well that some parents are just hateful people that would turn on a dime and kick someone out or worse for being honest about who they are.. This is of course doubly true in a small town where everyone knows everyone's business. Do you know if anyone else is gay? Having someone you know, a friend, in the same situation can be really helpful in times like this. Odds are there are people in your town that are questioning themselves or are out as well. Seek them out and see what happens. Having that support group really helps when you can't really talk to anyone else about it.. As far as the label goes. A funny thing happens to some of us. Once we speak the label out loud, it is over and done with. It is no secret I am gay, but I never have to say it out loud anymore. I don't use it anymore. Occasionally I do tell people, but typically it comes out when they ask about home life or something where I mention my other halfs' name is Keith....It says it without actually saying it. I am out and have been for getting close to 20 years, I am proud of who I am. But the novelty of the label wears off for me as time goes on and I just go about my life. I keep reading this over and over on EC that people are in a big hurry to put themselves in a group. While the decision to do so is important for moving forward with your life, in truth the only one you have to be honest with is yourself. The label isn't going to change who you are, it only might add another thing people know when they see you. Like oh, he has blond hair. If you keep dating girls, you might put yourself into that spiral of self doubt. If you are gay, then why date girls? Are you doing it to keep up appearances? (That isn't a bad thing, except it really sucks for the girl as she never has a chance).. Being honest about being gay can be a tough balancing act. (*hug*) The good part about where you are is that you are working towards that goal of being yourself. Sometimes you might have to take a few steps back before taking steps forward. Just keep pressing forward when you can...
Well said Hyaline, as a matter of fact I do have a small group of friends that happens to be gay, and one of them is one of the closest one to me, what was weird is that if you look at him or know him, you wouldn't know until he told his mom and sister, then he told the people around and started dating other guys. Still, I don't feel comfortable with telling anyone yet, as you say, it is better to wait until there's not a lot of risks because of my environment. The most important thing that keeps me from telling I'm bi as I've said, is because I don't wan't to loose the chance of meeting a girl I like, because at the end, I'm really more attracted to woman and would love to have a relationship with one, I'll never deny I enjoy fantasising about guys and fooling around with them, but that feelings are not that strong when I'm in a relationship with a girl I love, as I was with my exgf. I wouldn't use someone as an excuse to hide who I am, and I hope someday I find the right one with who I can share who I truly am and know that I could be loved as a whole. I definitely need to conquer my fears and start going out and try to meet new people and date, as most of my depression or sadness comes from being "alone" in the love department.
